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Why do I always say things I don't mean?

169 Answers
Last Updated: 03/11/2022 at 6:47pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Lisa Groesz, PhD


With evidenced based therapies, we find the root of the problem together to implement solutions. We all face crises, transitions, or disorders at some time.

Top Rated Answers
December 1st, 2018 12:57am
Reasons you may say things you don't mean are because you're upset, crabby, or want to be cool. You might just be upset for whatever reason and take it out by saying things you may not mean. You also might have woken up on the wrong side of the bed and are always in a crabby mood, therefore taking it out by saying things you don't mean. Another reason may be that your friends are bullying someone and you are too so you're included with your friends. If you're upset or crabby, you can take it out other ways. If your friends are bullies, you need better friends.
December 6th, 2018 9:30pm
Too many of us like to try to "one-up" others regardless of the situation. If you feel that you're always saying things that you don't mean, try asking yourself why you feel the need to say something that has no meaning or bearing on the conversation/situation/etc. That's always a good start. You can always also try to think back to a few past events where you said something that you wish you hadn't and try to figure out what led you to saying something that you feel shouldn't have been said. There's a reason for why we do the things we do. It's up to you to try to figure out what your reason is.
December 9th, 2018 3:11pm
Sometimes I say them as a defense mechanism to protect myself. If someone has hurt me I want to retaliate so that it does not hurt as much, but I end up saying things I don't mean. Sometimes we can't help but say the things we do not mean but when we do, we should apologize as soon as we can so that we do not hurt the other person. If you are looking to stop this, try walking away when you get frustrated so that you do not get frustrated enough to say things you do not mean.
December 13th, 2018 5:54am
I say things I don’t mean sometimes because I don’t understand what I’m feeling. To have insight enough to know this and to ask for compassion and understanding with oneself (and hopefully, from others as well) is essential, because as feeling beings, we all know what it’s like to be confused about our thoughts and feelings. It does occur to me though that perhaps we say things we ‘don’t mean’, because on some deeper level, we do or did mean it. Perhaps what we said has more to do with us than with the person it landed on. Asking oneself the question ‘what part of me might have meant what I said’ is helpful, as again, perhaps, we did mean it, but didn’t use the right words, or didn’t realize what we said had more to do with us - our own stuff - than with anyone else. Another useful question is, ‘what part of me is asking for compassion about what I said that I wish I had not said’. This one lends a lot of insight. It helps to be kind and gentle with ourselves when we are confused about who we are and why we do the things we sometimes do.
January 9th, 2019 8:21pm
Its natural to confuse your words with what you actually mean or want to say. Sometimes you can feel pressured to speak and act in a certain way. Or you could just struggle with explaining your ideas/opinions correctly. If you're in a situation where you feel forced to act in a certain way then address that to those people because you should never really feel forced to do anything. However, if you feel unsafe doing so then talk to someone outside of the situation. Talking goes a long way. If you are on the other spectrum where you find articulating your words properly then just simply practice. Go over them in your head first and form the sentence you want to.
January 27th, 2019 12:43pm
Those things that you say even when you don't mean them, are sometimes the thoughts of your inner mind. We all an inner mind whose thoughts are not always felt by everyone. So maybe you're just saying the things that your subconscious mind wants to say. But there could be times when you end up speaking up things that are totally inappropriate. At those times, take time for yourself and talk to yourself when you're alone. Ask yourself why you said those and you will be astonished to get your own answers as on why you end up saying such things. Hope this helps.
April 3rd, 2019 3:49am
You may say things that you don't mean because you are in an emotional or confused state. When emotions get the best of us, they can make us do things or say things we don't mean. Anger is usually the number one emotion that can trigger something like this. When we are angry we tend to say things to hurt another person regardless of our relationship with them. That is why its always good to let your anger out in productive ways such as boxing or listening to music. Even small things like taking deep breathes and clearing your head can make your anger die down.
May 11th, 2019 9:58pm
Sometimes people say things they do not mean, in order to get approval, or avoid a difficult situation. Often times, we also say things we do not mean out of anger. If you find yourself saying things you do not mean, then try to find a way to reflect, and see how you can overcome this issue. Something that is always helpful to me is to stop and think how the things that I am about to say, may effect my future. It is a helpful reflection tool, that will often stop you from saying things that you do not mean. Hope this helps!
May 15th, 2019 10:06am
Hello. Sometimes it's okay to say things as they come to your mind. There are different reasons why you might say things you don't mean. You could be mirroring behavior which was done to you by someone dear and you have taken it as your own. You could have had a difficult experience which makes you more skeptical about being honest. You might not be in touch with your emotions and therefore feel a bit careless about the words you say. It's also possible that you feel uncomfortable and therefore feel the need to fill in the air. the question is very broad and there are so many more answers which could be possible. It would be a good idea to look at "who" you say those things you don't mean, "when" do you say those things. "what" do you expect out of saying it and "how" do you feel after the even has passed :) I hope this helps move forward
May 30th, 2019 10:58am
Dang it! I found Talk less is the best strategy to deal with this problem. And many times it serves really effective when spoken after a silence. It is always okay to deep breath and take sometime before speaking. Sometimes, it feel awkward, however, it isn't as bad as you think. Even though we do this technique we end up saying something we don't mean. sometimes visualizing what we say or write putting self in other's or audience place. This objectivity helps a lot for the leaders, speakers and actually anyone all the time. A conscious practice will eventually make you an effective communication.
July 7th, 2019 8:02pm
There are many reasons why people might say things that they don't really mean. One of those reasons could be because they are trying to fit in or be accepted by group of people or an individual. Another reason could be because they want to believe that what they are saying is true even if it really isn't. Sometimes I find myself saying things that I don't mean when I am really angry. The truth is that under the effects of anger people can lose control of their actions and their words. This is why in the heat of the moment people might blurt out things that are in no way, shape, or form true. Those are just three of the many reasons why you might say things that you don't really mean. If you ever want to talk more about this then don't hesitate to shoot me a quick message, I would love to touch base with you on this topic and hear your side of things. ♡ ♡ ♡
July 28th, 2019 7:06am
I relate to this question quite a bit. I find that I tend to overreact and overthink things a lot so I go to drastic decisions that I don't really mean. The best advice I can give you is be more conscious about thinking about what you're going to say before you say it and be careful about who you say it to. If you tell the wrong things to the wrong person, that can get around and then more people know something that you didn't really mean. It is hard to do but it is so worth it in the end. :)
October 24th, 2019 12:12am
From my own observation, I believe it is because of our unwillingness to be vulnerable or seeing others being vulnerable. For example, in many social situations, we exchange many pleasantries that we do not necessarily mean. We may make benign white lies because we want to avoid confronting with situations where uncomfortable feelings may arise. Another example would be when we lash out to others, feel sorry later, but have trouble apologizing afterwards. In this situation, we are afraid to show others that we are sorry because we fear that others would take advantage of us emotionally. So, in this way, words are often used as defenses to protect us from experiencing difficult emotions.
October 25th, 2019 6:50am
There’s many reasons why we can say things we don’t mean and it’s important that you find out what’s yours! It could be because of ego issues or impulsiveness or just anger issues. A lot of us tend to say things we don’t mean when we’re angry and I’m guilty of that as well. Perhaps you could try to evaluate and think of the moments when you’ve said you don’t mean - why did you reacted in that way? Was it because you didn’t like what the other party say and you wanted to give your stand? All the best in finding out! Please engage a listener when you’re comfortable to talk about it.
October 30th, 2019 3:37am
It's normal to make mistakes like these where the words just don't come out right and they sound more mean or opposite to what and how we were trying to communicate. Every human being goes through this. And I know you may feel like you always do this, though I'm sure there are times when you said things correctly, even if it's a question, a greeting, a reply, a message, a chat. Do you actually "always" make those mistakes, or do you mean you do it commonly? How common though? Maybe they're just made occasionally, though you may remember and keep thinking about the times you felt like messed up in saying something, and so you remember it better than the times you said somethings correctly. Because like I said earlier, it's normal to make mistakes like these and every person does them. You're not alone going through this. 💕
November 11th, 2019 12:01am
I try not to consciously after devastating mistakes....All of which were due to anger or rage or deep sadness...Not to mention being on drugs...Bottom line is that words are like daggers...My regrets have increased my awareness of what I say and how I say it...I am far far from perfect...I only try be a little better and do a little better than last time........ I for one do forgive what people say...I have been on the receiving end of SO much verbal assault that I am almost numb to it...I try to be honest with everyone, but also tactful and aware of the power of words...
December 1st, 2019 1:14am
sometimes we don't think before we say things which is why we sometimes just end up saying things we don't mean to others, it's not your fault, it's just how we are as humans. To stop yourself from saying things you don't mean you could at least try to think about how the other person may feel if you do say what you want even if you don't mean it. If you can't control what you're saying i suggest getting CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) as that can help you understand why you are the way you are around people and it can also help you change the way you act e.g. the way you talk to people and say things you don't mean.
December 15th, 2019 4:34pm
It sounds like a defensive technique, whenever ive said things I dont mean its because that person has hurt me and ive wanted them to know that and feel what I feel, or because im too scared to let people know how I really feel because it makes me vulnerable and they might think im weak. Looking back I realise saying things I dont mean and hurting other people wasn't the way to go about it, maybe just try to think about what your saying and how its going to affect that person, try to be in their shoes.
December 22nd, 2019 2:14am
Sometimes you may say things that you don't mean because you're experiencing a strong emotion, such as anger. It's important to recognize the signs of how you're feeling when you say things that you don't mean in order to prevent yourself from saying these types of things in the future. Working through this with a therapist can be beneficial as you can learn the tools to handle strong emotions, and thereby prevent you from saying things that you don't mean to people. It's important to address the root cause of these things in order to properly build resilience and to move forward.
December 22nd, 2019 5:41pm
our thought are messy sometimes, and one doesn’t simply easy to deliver their message in conversation. I think it’s better to write down things you hardly to explain first, so you can understand your thought before telling it to people. You might be write down all your thought, and it will ease you to find the point of your thought. Just focus on the point that you want to deliver. Try to bring a journal wherever you go Second, try to calm your mind whenever you begin to talk to someone. It could help you to deliver the point message that you want to talk
December 26th, 2019 2:26pm
It is human to misspeak sometimes. Your interest in this subject indicates that you want to do better next time. Time helps. I've personally found that I need time to continue improving my speaking skills. I find it helpful to think before speaking. I think about whether it is appropriate to speak or remain, my choice of words and the tone of delivery. Timing is also important, that is choosing the right time to speak. And of course, when emotions get the better of me or the recipient of my speech, I find it helpful to take some time to calm down, before I speak.
January 3rd, 2020 6:20pm
Sometimes you want to please other people so you end up saying things that will please other people but it won’t please yourself and then at one point you can’t stop saying things that you do not mean. And other times it just seems easier for you to say things you do not mean. Even if you feel it is wrong, you feel it is better to say things you don’t mean than say what you actually want to say and maybe mess things up for yourself.
February 9th, 2020 8:32pm
Sometimes I don’t think things through and I respond with the instinctive part of the brain and not the rational part. I tend to rush on an answer instead of thinking it through. Other times I am overwhelmed myself and can not connect with what other people are saying. It is important to take time to solve our issues first and go with a clean head and spirit to a conversation in order to really hear what other people are saying and to connect with them and be able to give the best answer. When I don’t do that I might end up saying things that I don’t mean.
March 12th, 2020 6:28am
Sometimes, we just say things we do not mean, and this, most of the times, happen in the middle of an argument and conflicts. Sometimes, we do that because we fear not being heard, because we think that, by saying something perhaps hurtful to somebody else, they will finally be able to hear us and try understanding our own pain and struggles that we struggle to voice differently. And of course, this isn’t the best way to deal with conflict resolution, but it does happen with many people, and changing it is a process, a long one. It takes time and effort❤️
March 15th, 2020 5:03am
People can say things they don't mean all the time. It can really involve impulses and acting upon unhelpful emotions. Saying something out of anger can be the root of it. Before acting on saying something that you might not mean and regret, always sleep on it. Maybe you'll feel different about the situation in the morning or another time. Having strong emotions, such as anger, can lead to not thinking clearly and rationally. Staying composed and mature is a good way to avoid saying things you don't mean. If you find yourself in a situation where you don't mean saying what you say, you can admit you were wrong or didn't mean what you said. An early apology will increase the likelihood of things settling faster.
March 21st, 2020 12:04am
I tend to say things that I don't mean in order to hide my true emotions and become somebody that I'm not, often to avoid getting hurt. Most of the time I tell people that I do not care or like them, even when I really do, simply because I am afraid of the rejection. With this I also attempt to convince myself otherwise of my emotions. When I lie to others, I am usually also lying to myself. It has come to the point where my first instinct is to say something that I don't mean and showing my true emotions is hard.
April 3rd, 2020 8:17pm
There might be quite a few reasons for a person to say that. It might be because you want to impress someone and you say things that they would want to hear instead of what you want to say. It could be because you want to feel a part of a conversation, maybe because all your friends are saying something, even if you don't agree with it, you might just say it. It could also be because you think that is socially acceptable and that people or society would judge you if you don't say that particular thing. Sometimes it could also be because you're talking in rage or anger and you just say the first thing that comes to your mind and not something that you could think through.
April 5th, 2020 10:40am
I completely understand what you mean, I so often want to say something and it comes out so terribly. Do you feel like by saying the wrong thing that they now have a bad view of you? I know that whenever I tried to convince or inform that it would come out wrong and messed up. Saying it simple and straight forward let them understand what I was saying and clear up any misunderstandings. If you were to be watching someone say the something, but they already assumed that they would take it wrong what would you be thinking?
April 8th, 2020 6:38am
Maybe because you might have so much pressure or anger that you let it out in a bad way and then feel guilty after weard but no need to worry we all go through it and we all regret the words we say doesn't mean we really do it's just we may have alot on are minds that we let it out on words that we don't mean to say but we do and it's okay to feel guilty but you should be forgiven no matter what where all human we make mistakes and it's okay hope you feel better
April 12th, 2020 6:30pm
I guess there are times when you say things then afterwards you regret it and want to take back. I guess a reason could be when you are angry normally the truth comes out. When we say how we really feel it can be hard to take it back. I guess depends whether there are things that you say with intentions to hurt the other person or when you say as a mistake. For hurting others, I guess perhaps you feel better after you say or but I guess if you put yourself in the other persons shoe you wouldn't want to feel what they feel. As for mistakes, I guess it is a normal thing as a human to make mistakes guess as long as you apologise and make up for the words that is okay. So, if you say something mean make sure to accept it and think about what you could do to change it or make it up to the person who you were speaking to.