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Why do I keep going back to my toxic relationship?

197 Answers
Last Updated: 04/19/2020 at 1:16am
1 Tip to Feel Better
Mexico
Moderated by

Paola Giordani, Psychoanalyst

Licensed Psychoanalyst

I have helped and am helping people cope with loss, divorce, anguish and parenting. Depression is also a major issue that comes up.

Top Rated Answers
Chlorophyll123
September 11th, 2019 5:24pm
It's just familiarity thats it.
Jezbr
September 13th, 2019 5:09am
It depends on a lot of things, but we regularly are attracted to safety, comfort and what is known. So even in the midst of a toxic relationship we know the person, we have good memories of the person, so its comfortable to return to the. Especially if they are our safety network in the midst of a desert with no support. And it could take soo much emotional turmoil to uncouple ourselves from the safety network even though it is toxic so we return to it, hoping it gets better. But then, is it better? Can we take a moment to look 6 months ahead. Do we want to be still in this toxicity or could we see ourselves being kind to who we are, and take steps to get what we want, and what we deserve.
brianna67
October 24th, 2019 2:39am
Toxic relationships can be really addicting, which makes you want to keep going back. In my toxic relationship, the lows were low and the highs were really high. I stayed so much longer than I should have because I was so addicted to chasing the high when things were good. I also was way to optimistic that my partner would change or things would go back to the way they were when our relationship was healthy. But you can't expect a partner to change and have to look at what they are in the moment. It can take a lot of self reflection and thought about what you want and deserve before leaving.
Anonymous
October 27th, 2019 6:58pm
We keep going back because sometimes we think that we will not be able to find a better relationship. (Which you will!) You may not realize you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. That is the main problem, is that people in toxic relationships do not realize their own worth. We need to love ourselves in order to know how others should love us. It is hard to escape a toxic relationship when one does not have a good relationship with themselves. If you start by learning to love yourself first, and then you won't have stand for any toxic relationships.
peacefulSummer9254
November 17th, 2019 8:25am
Sometimes returning to a relationship or behavior we know is bad for us but continue to do so is due to habit. It almost becomes a safety net, it's what we know even when it's harmful, unhealthy and toxic. We continue in it to stay in a state of comfort and often the thought of the unknown ahead, if we were to leave, can be terrifying. We return to what we know, caught in a cycle of drama and reconciliation which had no end until we can break the habit. Often our energy is drained from being in these relationships, so we feel weak and do not have the strength to even fathom leaving. Take some time out for yourself to clear your mind, focus on you to gain some clarity-you have strength within you!
KindHeart1010
December 1st, 2019 1:11am
You may be scared nobody else is out there, but trust me, there is someone better out there for you. i know how this feels as i kept going back to my ex after all the abuse and it was the worst thing i ever did, i felt extremely depressed all the time to the point i thought i had depression again and thought i needed to go back on medication when i didn't, it was just him messing with my feelings. leave before it gets worse because it will get worse each time you go back, i know you may love them but it's honestly not worth the pain and hassle. if you ever need to talk, i'm here for you.
Anonymous
January 15th, 2020 12:04pm
You don't know what to do without him/her, and don't realize that you are worth so much more than what that relationship makes you feel like. You are depending on that relationship because you don't know who you are without that person. Take some time to focus on yourself. You think that its comfortable for you, and that person probably tells you things that make you feel so attached to them. Once you end the relationship, you miss all those words they once said to you, but don't realize that it really means nothing more than just random words.
Anonymous
January 18th, 2020 4:09pm
perhaps you feel comfort ib being wiht that person, you know they are wrong for you but, you know them. You have experience with them and they know everything already. To you it seems easier to be with someone who already knows the things that have happened in your life than to open yourself up to someone new and potentially get hurt again. You have reasoned with yourself and came to the common conclusion that it may be bad but at least he/she accepts me back. But you must know, you deserve better! Even if things seem tougher without them, you will eventually look back and realise how much better you are now. How much of a hold over you they had, and maybe then you will finally feel free.
Ladylove126
February 1st, 2020 9:45pm
hello some time people do got back to there toxic relationship because we/they are scared and we are stuck in that time and we dont know whnat to do all we want is love someone to care someone to be there to talk to just someone to tell that something to someone or they are just wanting to be that someone trying to change that relationship or try to fix the loose ends of it that would be the best thing i could say why you or other people do go back to there bf or gf with in the toxic reationship have any more question please ask someone for help thank you
Feelingsmatter
February 21st, 2020 6:43pm
Love is like a drug. So think of yourself as a drug addict, have someone comfort you though the withdraw process, once you get though it, keep constantly reminding yourself of why you don't want to go back. Have someone help you in times of possible relapse. You're going to feel like you're about to die and your heart will race and you'll want to know exactly what that person is doing at all times. Let the feeling sink in, try and accept it as part of the withdraw process. You'll be fine, and 7 cups is a great tool in case you have nobody to turn to for help. Also, try and think about yourself before you were with that person, keep your mind busy with activities, being with friends, etc. Eventually it'll get easier and one day you just won´t even think about it.
Anonymous
February 22nd, 2020 1:25pm
Sometimes it’s because I have hope that things would change. I keep forgetting and forgiving all mistakes that the other person makes. I believe that there’s good in that person that I can’t give up on. However, it probably just an excuse to say that I’m too comfortable in that situation and I don’t think anyone can do better anyway. That’s why there is no benefit in exchanging something you have with something you don’t know? Since you already invest so much, is it better to follow it through? At least this is the thing that always run in my mind everyday when I decided to stop.
Anonymous
February 23rd, 2020 1:17pm
You go back to a toxic relationship because going back to a person who hurt you is often connected to problems with self-worth. How to leave someone who hurts you(toxic person) 1. Cut contact. 2. Stop fantasizing 3. Understand the grieving process 4. Reach out for support 5. Take all the time you need. 6. Ask yourself what you're really looking for in a relationship REMINDER:- Establish yourself as a person, what you believe in. Stop returning to the person who makes you feel less. Because you are more.
Anonymous
February 28th, 2020 12:28am
I did the same thing. It is very hard when you love some one but it is an unfortunate situation some people are not meant to be. It is hard as sometimes it feel as though it will change the next time you re enter the relationship. But trust me it is not going to be good for your mental health in the end. You deserve better and I am here to listen. You will find someone sometime soon that you are going to love just as much if not even more and the relationship will not be toxic. Keep your head high.
Anonymous
April 2nd, 2020 4:45am
Sometimes it can feel difficult to leave a relationship you have been in for so long. That person might feel familiar or like someone you can fall back on. Although you have acknowledged that the relationship is toxic, you need to understand that you deserve better. Learning to love yourself and know what you deserve can help justify yourself in these kind of situations. Here at 7 Cups there are so many people willing to help you work through whatever difficulties you might be having. Just know that you have so many people go back you up. You are loved. You are supported. And you are worth it.
kcogsville
April 10th, 2020 3:44pm
Sometimes it's hard to accept something is over, especially when there was a time where everything was good. I've been in that position, and a lot of times its because despite what they may do to you, you love them. at the end of the day, you should be proud that you identify that the relationship is toxic! thats the first step to moving on. I cant tell you what to do, but be careful not to sacrifice your happiness for theirs. relationships are meant to be built upon love and respect, and you're both supposed to be happy.
Anonymous
April 11th, 2020 12:32pm
Sometimes we only let ourselves have what we think we deserve. We put ourselves in unsafe, toxic situations without even thinking. It's important to know your worth before you let someone else decide for you. It's hard to get out of a toxic relationship. Sometimes we feel comfortable with toxic relationships because we know how it'll end. It puts us at ease. It's easy to go back to someone who has hurt you. It's hard to move on and find someone else. As humans we do what's easy, not what's right. There are options, however, to show you how to get away from it. Therapy, support groups, books, family/friends, and online resources.
Anonymous
April 19th, 2020 1:16am
In my experience, there are only two reasons why someone truly goes back to a toxic relationship: they are either afraid or in love. One could be afraid of their partner or what they have/will do to physically, emotionally, or spiritually harm them and that may be holding them back. On the opposite side, one may know and be aware that they are in a toxic relationship and not happy anymore but love the person so much that they cannot part them. They cannot in their heart leave the person they have fallen in love with even if it is a different person that they turned into.