Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav

Why do I keep going back to my toxic relationship?

209 Answers
Last Updated: 07/10/2020 at 3:56am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Alison Humphreys, LCPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

During the therapeutic process, individuals will learn to manage transitions, overcome obstacles and work towards their full potential .

Top Rated Answers
0Premmy0
July 12th, 2019 5:26am
Every relationship, even really toxic ones, has it's good moments! When you try to let go of something you naturally begin to see all the good moments, and they over shadow the bad! It's important to keep your view realistic and try to move forward to better and healthier things. You are number one and need to care for yourself before anyone else. It can also be because going back to a toxic person is easy. They know you, and you have an established relationship. It's easier than forming an entire new relationship with a brand new person, and therefore can be extremely tempting. Just thoughts from Premmy~
Anonymous
July 25th, 2019 1:34pm
You feel safe. You are comfortable. You focus on the good moments things that it will get back to when you were happy. You are so abused and damage you think no one will ever treat you the same or be able to fix you. And all of that is not true you will get stronger and love deeper! Get a support system to help you stay distracted see how happy you can be without him/her see that you dont need a partner to go on in life. When you love your self loving some else is much easier!
AKewlListener
July 28th, 2019 4:59am
Well it really depends on what you see in your significant other. Most people tend to return to the relationship for the intimacy of it. Maybe your trust in the other person may seem weak but your love for them is strong? It could be a variety of things, love is tricky. Why not write down your thoughts about the other person and ask yourself how they are benefiting you in your life? Are they making you happy? If not, then why go back? Those questions can be answered by yourself. Once you answer those questions, I believe that you'll have your answer.
Chlorophyll123
September 11th, 2019 5:24pm
It's just familiarity thats it.
Jezbr
September 13th, 2019 5:09am
It depends on a lot of things, but we regularly are attracted to safety, comfort and what is known. So even in the midst of a toxic relationship we know the person, we have good memories of the person, so its comfortable to return to the. Especially if they are our safety network in the midst of a desert with no support. And it could take soo much emotional turmoil to uncouple ourselves from the safety network even though it is toxic so we return to it, hoping it gets better. But then, is it better? Can we take a moment to look 6 months ahead. Do we want to be still in this toxicity or could we see ourselves being kind to who we are, and take steps to get what we want, and what we deserve.
brianna67
October 24th, 2019 2:39am
Toxic relationships can be really addicting, which makes you want to keep going back. In my toxic relationship, the lows were low and the highs were really high. I stayed so much longer than I should have because I was so addicted to chasing the high when things were good. I also was way to optimistic that my partner would change or things would go back to the way they were when our relationship was healthy. But you can't expect a partner to change and have to look at what they are in the moment. It can take a lot of self reflection and thought about what you want and deserve before leaving.
Anonymous
October 27th, 2019 6:58pm
We keep going back because sometimes we think that we will not be able to find a better relationship. (Which you will!) You may not realize you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. That is the main problem, is that people in toxic relationships do not realize their own worth. We need to love ourselves in order to know how others should love us. It is hard to escape a toxic relationship when one does not have a good relationship with themselves. If you start by learning to love yourself first, and then you won't have stand for any toxic relationships.
peacefulSummer9254
November 17th, 2019 8:25am
Sometimes returning to a relationship or behavior we know is bad for us but continue to do so is due to habit. It almost becomes a safety net, it's what we know even when it's harmful, unhealthy and toxic. We continue in it to stay in a state of comfort and often the thought of the unknown ahead, if we were to leave, can be terrifying. We return to what we know, caught in a cycle of drama and reconciliation which had no end until we can break the habit. Often our energy is drained from being in these relationships, so we feel weak and do not have the strength to even fathom leaving. Take some time out for yourself to clear your mind, focus on you to gain some clarity-you have strength within you!
KindHeart1010
December 1st, 2019 1:11am
You may be scared nobody else is out there, but trust me, there is someone better out there for you. i know how this feels as i kept going back to my ex after all the abuse and it was the worst thing i ever did, i felt extremely depressed all the time to the point i thought i had depression again and thought i needed to go back on medication when i didn't, it was just him messing with my feelings. leave before it gets worse because it will get worse each time you go back, i know you may love them but it's honestly not worth the pain and hassle. if you ever need to talk, i'm here for you.
Anonymous
January 15th, 2020 12:04pm
You don't know what to do without him/her, and don't realize that you are worth so much more than what that relationship makes you feel like. You are depending on that relationship because you don't know who you are without that person. Take some time to focus on yourself. You think that its comfortable for you, and that person probably tells you things that make you feel so attached to them. Once you end the relationship, you miss all those words they once said to you, but don't realize that it really means nothing more than just random words.
Anonymous
January 18th, 2020 4:09pm
perhaps you feel comfort ib being wiht that person, you know they are wrong for you but, you know them. You have experience with them and they know everything already. To you it seems easier to be with someone who already knows the things that have happened in your life than to open yourself up to someone new and potentially get hurt again. You have reasoned with yourself and came to the common conclusion that it may be bad but at least he/she accepts me back. But you must know, you deserve better! Even if things seem tougher without them, you will eventually look back and realise how much better you are now. How much of a hold over you they had, and maybe then you will finally feel free.
Ladylove126
February 1st, 2020 9:45pm
hello some time people do got back to there toxic relationship because we/they are scared and we are stuck in that time and we dont know whnat to do all we want is love someone to care someone to be there to talk to just someone to tell that something to someone or they are just wanting to be that someone trying to change that relationship or try to fix the loose ends of it that would be the best thing i could say why you or other people do go back to there bf or gf with in the toxic reationship have any more question please ask someone for help thank you
Anonymous
February 22nd, 2020 1:25pm
Sometimes it’s because I have hope that things would change. I keep forgetting and forgiving all mistakes that the other person makes. I believe that there’s good in that person that I can’t give up on. However, it probably just an excuse to say that I’m too comfortable in that situation and I don’t think anyone can do better anyway. That’s why there is no benefit in exchanging something you have with something you don’t know? Since you already invest so much, is it better to follow it through? At least this is the thing that always run in my mind everyday when I decided to stop.
Anonymous
February 28th, 2020 12:28am
I did the same thing. It is very hard when you love some one but it is an unfortunate situation some people are not meant to be. It is hard as sometimes it feel as though it will change the next time you re enter the relationship. But trust me it is not going to be good for your mental health in the end. You deserve better and I am here to listen. You will find someone sometime soon that you are going to love just as much if not even more and the relationship will not be toxic. Keep your head high.
Anonymous
April 2nd, 2020 4:45am
Sometimes it can feel difficult to leave a relationship you have been in for so long. That person might feel familiar or like someone you can fall back on. Although you have acknowledged that the relationship is toxic, you need to understand that you deserve better. Learning to love yourself and know what you deserve can help justify yourself in these kind of situations. Here at 7 Cups there are so many people willing to help you work through whatever difficulties you might be having. Just know that you have so many people go back you up. You are loved. You are supported. And you are worth it.
kcogsville
April 10th, 2020 3:44pm
Sometimes it's hard to accept something is over, especially when there was a time where everything was good. I've been in that position, and a lot of times its because despite what they may do to you, you love them. at the end of the day, you should be proud that you identify that the relationship is toxic! thats the first step to moving on. I cant tell you what to do, but be careful not to sacrifice your happiness for theirs. relationships are meant to be built upon love and respect, and you're both supposed to be happy.
Anonymous
April 11th, 2020 12:32pm
Sometimes we only let ourselves have what we think we deserve. We put ourselves in unsafe, toxic situations without even thinking. It's important to know your worth before you let someone else decide for you. It's hard to get out of a toxic relationship. Sometimes we feel comfortable with toxic relationships because we know how it'll end. It puts us at ease. It's easy to go back to someone who has hurt you. It's hard to move on and find someone else. As humans we do what's easy, not what's right. There are options, however, to show you how to get away from it. Therapy, support groups, books, family/friends, and online resources.
Anonymous
April 19th, 2020 1:16am
In my experience, there are only two reasons why someone truly goes back to a toxic relationship: they are either afraid or in love. One could be afraid of their partner or what they have/will do to physically, emotionally, or spiritually harm them and that may be holding them back. On the opposite side, one may know and be aware that they are in a toxic relationship and not happy anymore but love the person so much that they cannot part them. They cannot in their heart leave the person they have fallen in love with even if it is a different person that they turned into.
bouncyFlamingo2068
April 22nd, 2020 5:42am
A person may keep going back into a toxic relationship because maybe they don't want to lose the sense of familiarity or because they fear of change. Maybe the other person manipulates you into staying in that relationship even though your common sense is telling you not to. Sometimes, the person who is trying to leave over thinks the situation and gets to the conclusion that the don't deserve better, that they are meant to be hurt (either physically or emotionally). Toxic relationships can quickly transform into abusive relationships, it is crucial to notice the red flags right away and seek help.
Anonymous
April 26th, 2020 12:51pm
Beacuse you have created a toxic bound, a vicious cycle this is not healthy and you must stop. Just put your foot down and let the other person know that enough is enough. The toxicity must have arrisen because of a mismatch in between you, or one person is asking something which the other cannot deliver. This gives rise to toxic chase, I think you should give each other space gradually, by stoping to talk to each other and see the benefits, and your sure to get out of it. Best of luck to you ☺️. May you find the strength.
Anonymous
April 30th, 2020 3:29pm
Why do people keep going back to a toxic relationship. Is it because it’s comforting. Is it because you spent so much time and effort in that relationship that the fear of starting over is more scary than actually leaving. We will never know someone’s background as to why they don’t need it we’re just here to support them. Be there for them listen to them help them get through it. Not everyone has the strength to leave right away. Show them the positive show him what a relationship should be. They’re great guys and girls out there who are willing to date you. You just have to have faith in yourself you are worthy and you are worth knowing
Island28
April 30th, 2020 6:16pm
I kept going back as I was made to think I was not good enough for anyone else. I was scared to take the risk to move on. I was told that no one wanted to be with me. I was threatened to stay in the relationship. I started to believe that I was not good enough. I just didn't have enough energy to start all over again. Out of 30 days, I only had 3 or 4 good days. I made myself think that this was ok. I was holding on to those good days to think this was all ok. When I wrote down the pros and cons and wrote down how many good days I had compared to bad, It was very clear I had to get out of my comfort zone. I reached out for support and I made the leap. Some days It wasn't easy for me. I worked hard to take care of myself and love myself first. Some days for sure was hard, other days it was easy. I made small goals and reflected back.
Anonymous
May 24th, 2020 1:19am
I’ve had several toxic relationships that I continued to go back to. I think that they made me feel like they were the only people who would ever be there for me or “care” about me so that’s why I stayed. This might not be true for you, but I think realizing the relationship is toxic is a great first step. You have to decide what you want for you, and what is the best decision for you. Then, focus on the steps it will take to get you to that point. It might be a hard journey, but it will be better in the end.
ashlyntheordinary
June 3rd, 2020 10:05pm
It's honestly quite understandable why, it's probably because you miss the memories you've had with them. I used to be in a toxic friendship and when I left, I thought I would feel happy but I didnt, it definitely felt like a piece of me was missing and I think that's what makes you wish to be with them. It's because of a part of you isn't letting go and doesnt want you to move on. When you move on from it, it's the best feeling in the world, trust me. You will feel more like yourself :") and start to feel hopefully that you can live your life without them in it.
zealousWinter25
June 4th, 2020 1:29pm
Toxic relationships are a difficult cycle to break out of, and that is why they are referred to as toxic. When in a toxic relationship it becomes addictive because of its familiarity and when we are invested in it, it's a really hard addiction and cycle to break. The constant drama can also provide you with adrenaline rushes which can also be difficult to break. Toxic relationships are important to get out of and only you will know when enough is enough. I am speaking from experience as I was in one for a while and it nearly destroyed me, but I began to realise I deserved better and it was small steps. Eventually I was waking up and not constantly thinking about it, all day every day.
Anonymous
June 5th, 2020 7:13am
When we enter a relationship we are committed to the person. We accept their flaws and look at them as perfect. Later we see how we are impacted. If it’s in a negative way they’re negative. Then thought of being with them draws us back to them. We miss them. We think of the good times and forget the bad times. We look at the positive. We know it’s gonna hurt us but we look for pleasure more than what’s right for our mental health. Going back shows the other person that you are forgiving. They try to get us to come back and we forgive easily. If not then we just miss the thought of it. We look at memories not what’s gonna impact us negatively
hopefulAnna3696
June 21st, 2020 7:50am
Most of the time we don’t think we are worthy and don’t believe that we deserve better. Ironic as this might sound the known relationships feel predictable hence comfortable. Unknown is often scary and fear is holding us back from trying something new. Even if we start a new, good relationship if we are not careful we will sabotage it as we don’t believe it can be true. This will make us fall back into the other patterns and confirm our own belief that we are incapable of having a healthy and happy relationship. Relationship are no magic. The initial euphoria wears of over time. They require care and attention, like little seeds planted in the garden that need to be watered, nourished and kept weed free to grow strong and healthy.
lightandmermaids
July 9th, 2020 10:46pm
There could be so many reasons; a sense of familiarity, fear of abandonment, emotional blackmail. The best way to answer this is to look within themselves and identify the pattern that causes you to reconnect with a relationship that you identify as toxic. If you identify the pattern, you will know what to do to put an end to it, if that is what you truly want. As people, we all have our individual reasons for doing certain things, it can't really be narrowed down to one specific thing, so it's always good if you can look back in retrospect and see what's been causing you to stay on a continuous loop with this situation.
supportall15
July 10th, 2020 3:56am
Hey, I understand you must be feeling confused but I’m here to help you talk through this. This sounds like a classic case of nostalgia and wanting to prevent change. No one likes the idea of change, it’s scary and unknown territory. But you understand that the relationship was toxic and that it’s not what is best for you!! Remember to always prioritize your mental and physical health and that there are always people who can help you. Normally most people would block that ex and go cold turkey, but you need to get complete closure. Maybe a ritual or burning of clothes :) hope this helped hehe