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Why do we tend to keep wanting to go back to the person who has hurt us the most?

42 Answers
Last Updated: 10/12/2020 at 7:09pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
Moderated by

Serene Sarah George, MA in Psychology (Counselling), Diploma in Counselling Skills


Counsellor following person centered therapeutic approach, drawing from techniques of CBT/REBT.

Top Rated Answers
April 18th, 2020 1:33pm
Because you used to love and trust this person so much that you formed an emotional dependency for them. And in response to you adoring them, even if you may not want to accept the fact that you do, you naturally want to feel all of the good you once felt with them. I know exactly how this feels. I promise you that you're not alone in this circumstance. There's so many people who go back to the person that crushed them; it's human nature. We tend to form a vulnerable spot for someone that we love very much that we in turn enable ourselves to excuse the wrong that they did. I wouldn't consider this healthy because people don't usually change. If they hurt you once then they'll hurt you again. Just don't feel guilty for wanting to go back to them, I'm definitely understanding that in my situation. But please, don't go after someone who hurt you. The best that you could do is fix yourself and find someone who treats you amazingly. It's going to take a while to find someone who 100% loves you back, but once you do, you'll know that people with a genuine connection wouldn't hurt to each other.
June 13th, 2015 5:49pm
Because at this point, they're comfortable, they're what you remember. You don't remember what it's like without them fufilling (the need they helped you meet) .
August 3rd, 2020 7:04pm
We seek familiarity, even if it is toxic. It is part of our human nature. A squirrel will climb back down to a familiar ground just to collect food. We humans, fortunately, have the choice to not return, but due to the mental block, it is often hard to realize how powerful and independent we can truly be. We are free birds who have not flown enough, and that is why we do not venture out to experience the beauty of this world. We do not seek the wide world, we seek what is familiar to us, which is experiences of pain. To return to a hurtful person is a sign of compassion because you can still see the good in them through all the violations and abuse. However, we must practice compassion towards ourselves first and protect our hearts from being hurt by people who are masters at behaving heartlessly.
October 23rd, 2018 11:42pm
Because that's all we knew for some time. We think we won't find anyone like them ever again and all we had and we keep getting pushed to this snowball of emotions and hurting. Even if deep down we know that the right thing to do is to move on, even when we know this is gonna keep hurting more and more eveytime we go back. We just can't stand to never be with that person ever again. And we loved them so much that it hurts the most not to come back to them. So we keep coming back.
December 3rd, 2017 2:31pm
Because deep down in your heart you are hoping that person would change.. deep down you are hoping this time it will work out.. deep down you are hoping it will be different. It is a cliche but the one you love is the who will really hurt you the most. :(
October 12th, 2020 7:09pm
If someone has been able to hurt us in the past, it can mean that we were vulnerable enough to be hurt. It can mean that they know us on a deeper or more intimate level, and that can be a very powerful draw back to them, even in spite of having been hurt in the past. Sometimes, too, we can think about the time and effort we have already put into the connection with this person, and it can feel like that time was wasted if you don't go back or keep trying to progress with them, which can draw someone back. Familiarity can be a powerful draw. In addition, it can seem daunting to walk away from a person and begin forging a new path. Meeting new people and building new relationships / friendships takes work, and can come with a fear of rejection that can make it more appealing to go back to what we know, in spite of being hurt.
July 21st, 2015 2:40pm
Familiarity is one reason. Our minds tell us that moving on and starting over will be more brutal than the situation we came from. You must weigh the pros and cons of both and decide what's best for you.
November 13th, 2017 6:58am
Because even if they hurt us they had done something previously which made us happy. And maybe at that time we thought we were the happiest person on the earth.
January 2nd, 2018 4:49am
We tend to go back to the person that hurts us the most because we are simply afraid to start over with someone new. Not many people enjoy change in that aspect, we love what we are comfortable with.
February 16th, 2016 6:36pm
Because at times was are afraid to know what else could happen or if we could find absolute joy in trying something different.
January 15th, 2018 1:36pm
there is basically lots of emotions and connection already established with the person , with whom we get hurt. because they did mattered to us the most and thats why the hurt.. its is this good memories which leads us to go back to that person who hurt us the most.
September 14th, 2015 8:11pm
Humans are creations of habit. sadly. sometimes we take their possessiveness as caring or feel to scared of the unknown that loneliness can have. Sometimes it needs the final straw to be broken or a shake up to see that it isnt want we want or need. it happens to us all.