Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav

Why is it that I can't get over someone who's been cruel to me for no reason whatsoever, just because they were very kind to me before?

21 Answers
Last Updated: 06/25/2018 at 11:22pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Elena Morales, LMHC

Licensed Professional Counselor

I believe silence creates a cycle. With empathic and collaborative therapy, we break the cycle. I help clients feel validated and supported passed anger, shame, and anxiety.

Top Rated Answers
March 16th, 2015 8:56pm
I know where you are coming from, as I went through the same thing. I feel the best answer for this is that even though we know the person was cruel, there was something there that we loved and we don't really feel like letting that go.
June 9th, 2015 1:51am
I would say it is because that person was a part of your life and sometimes the memories are difficult to let go of. It is not like we can just forget someone that had an influence on our life in a snap-of-a-finger. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. You need some time.
July 10th, 2015 8:25am
Initial stage is just like a honeymoon....excitement of getting to know eachother....then it becomes a habit and a routine....when confronted they start eluding and become uncaring and cruel
March 16th, 2015 4:33pm
Your focusing on how this person was kind to you instead of reminding yourself how they made you feel
October 30th, 2015 12:52am
It might be that you focus on that person too much in your daily life, or maybe you placed too much importance on the person in your life to begin with. People let us down because we are human. We let others down as well. Maybe try to not place too much stock into one person being good to you and be good to yourself. Sometimes others need time away from us to appreciate us. If they never do, then they never belonged in our life to begin with.
May 19th, 2015 2:07am
We all want to hold on to the kindness they used to have. Sometimes it's easier to hold on to what was good rather than actually seeing what is really bad. We want to see the good in people rather than accepting the bad. It's just easier that way.
November 11th, 2015 12:05am
Could it be that you are holding on to a small chance that they will wake up to be as kind as they once were? you are at a stand still waiting on them to change back and afraid that immediately you take a step forward they will be as kind as they were. Allow yourself to not get stack in your journey towards getting over them.
January 11th, 2016 11:55pm
While we experience relationships, our bodies release chemicals that can attach us to those who we chose to get attached to. It is up to you to destroy those chemicals that are keeping you from letting go.
December 27th, 2016 8:29pm
When we're angry with a person, we want to simplify the situation into good vs bad. When someone has been kind to you, that becomes difficult, which causes us to continue questioning the situation. A person who has hurt you isn't always a terrible person in general. Often a day will come when they regret the pain they caused you and will try to become better because of it. Try to use your pain to become better, kinder, more willing to listen and to understand.
November 13th, 2017 4:14pm
Maybe the duplicity hurts more than the actual action? That could be. Sometimes we blame ourselves for not seeing through the veneer? I hope you find peace!
April 6th, 2015 8:10am
it is unexpected so your body has a negative reaction when something is not what you analyzed it to be
September 14th, 2015 6:22pm
I belive it's to cope with the bad that you think so highly and strongly about the good, I was in a very similar situation and i'm still not completely over them, I just try to reach those emotions from all the bad stuff and deal with them. Trying to ignore the so called kind things that was done.
November 3rd, 2015 4:44am
its all about the heart. the heart thinks of everything it sees in the same way as it itself is. Getting over someone who has given you so many reasons to smile is difficult.
November 3rd, 2015 4:42pm
Because you see the part of them when they were kind to you and you forgive them. You can't get over then because no matter how bad they do to you will always see them as the person who was kind to you once and forgive them.
November 30th, 2015 9:10pm
For me, I want everyone to like me, so when someone that was nice to me before just complete turns around and acts cruel towards me it tears me up. It makes me wonder what I did wrong, or if there's something wrong with me as a person. What I've learned is, you never know what's going on in someone else's life or mind that could make them react negatively toward you. They could just be having a bad day and it wasn't you at all. Don't take everything personally, because a lot of times it's not you it's them.
January 4th, 2016 5:05pm
In my experience, I found it was because I had become attached to the person before they were cruel to me, and held onto the idea that they could change back to who they were before they started. This idea gives you false hope and you cling to the unlikely event of them changing.
February 9th, 2016 2:20pm
Maybe you wonder what changed and what it was that made them treat you that way? Perhaps you are remembering all the good bits and wishing for those feelings back?
June 14th, 2016 4:31pm
Listen. Give them some space and never forget, you are a special person and you deserve all love and respect.
August 22nd, 2016 6:37am
Sometimes if we are attached to that particular person it will be difficult for us to detach ourselves from them. You will need to always remember just because that person has their good points does not mean they have no bad ones. And if their bad point over shadows their good points then thats not good.
July 18th, 2017 4:30pm
You are clinging onto the memories. The past is showing you how kind that person was but we all live in the present. Don't blame yourself because we are always thinking about the what ifs instead of about the present moment.
June 25th, 2018 11:22pm
You tend to see and want to see the best part of someone you once cared for or do care for, you want believe they will go back to that better person. But you have to remember you can't let someone run over you just because you know they have a better part of them.