How to get my parents to stand up for me against bullies instead of apologizing to avoid any confrontation?
Last Updated: 12/04/2020 at 11:36am
Collin McShirley, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
I love helping people overcome challenges with food, depression, and anxiety. My work with clients is nonjudgement, supportive, and kind.
Top Rated Answers
Maybe try having a serious talk with them about why it bothers you when they do that, and how you wish they would behave. Try not to sound accusatory. Talk about how it's affecting you rather than what's wrong with them. Be honest about your feelings, and about how the bullies behave. Try to get them to see everything from your point of view, while keeping in mind that they also have their own reasons for the way they behave, and that they're just trying to help. I hope you find my answer useful and it that it helps you out.
Ask them to and express your concerns to them. However, you state that your parents apologize to avoid confrontation, and you are wanting your parents to fend off bullies for you ie. avoiding confrontation. If you can't rely on those around you then you must rely on yourself and find your own way to overcome your situation, whether that is by talking to other people with authority or confronting the bullies yourself. Unless these bullies are physically harming you or doing something to ruin your reputation (rumours etc) then their impact is only what you decide it to be. Bullies are just bored, insecure, immature people. They act that way because they lack the knowledge to be any different.
Often, open and honest conversations are a good way to express feelings and ask for support. If it proves to be difficult to have that with your parents, I experienced creating a "structured" environment to be helpful to not get caught up in emotions too quickly. What I mean by structure is that you announce that you want to talk to them. Either they have enough time right away or you make some kind of appointment, but to my mind, it is helpful when you are all doing nothing else at the moment except having this conversation. Moreover, it might be useful to lay down some ground rules such as "I am going to explain to you what I want and why I want it and I am going to express how I feel about it and why it is important to me. Please do not interrupt me while I am speaking. When I am finished you can tell me how you feel about what I said and I ask you to be open with me. It is important to me that nobody is judged or hurt in this conversation." or something similar. Essentially, expressing exactly what you want, need, expect and how you feel and explicitly ask others to listen can help an honest conversation. This may sound very formal, but for me, it has been helpful when asking for support and talking about topics that hurt me. A reason for parents to avoid conflict may also be that they do not know how to step up or act. Maybe it is helpful to find ways in which they can support you, together. I really hope this was helpful in some way. Wish you all the best!
You need to explain to your parents what you are really going through. I’m sure if you have a sit down heart to heart talk with them and really really really tell them what’s going on and how much are being heard and how much at risk you are at the dairy will help you. Sometimes parents just think that the children are being dramatic because we often are and they don’t want to stir up trouble if there is none. But when you truly pull your heart out to them and show them what you’re going through and what’s actually happening they will stand up for you.
Your parents are people, too. People with flaws and fears and insecurities. Although in a perfect world, parents would put their children first at all times, sometimes other things get in the way of them making the right choice. It could be that your parents were raised to avoid confrontation. It could be that it's socially unacceptable in their culture or family background. Our parents should be our biggest advocates, but when they are not, you may have to look for support in other places, like the school counselor, friends, teachers, coaches, religious or spiritual leaders, other family members, or other trusted adults in your life.
How to get your parents to change will never be an easy thing or even something that I would suggest to try.. you may want to ask them he wanted to know why they choose to avoid confrontation and be sure to know that everybody is the weight they are and the only person that in your family that you can change will be your own self. If they understand how you feel and want to change that's another be that a decision that they make on their own not one for you too get them to make because it will be very hard to change your mom or your dad as they are set in their ways and you should respect the fact that people are different even if the difference is annoying to you. We cannot choose who you are blood related to and they can only change what they want to and we should respect that as you change you and only you have that right. It would be a good idea to talk to them with the idea they are who you are and not expecting much of it for if they understand and want to then at least you tried and I wouldn't count on getting mad if they decide not to change but at least you can try to talk to them and tell them how you feel.
I believe conversation is the key. Maybe that is how your parents feel is the way to deal with it. Have a proper conversation with them. Let them know all your feelings, how their behaviour affects you, etc. Make sure they understand well. No matter what, they are your parents and will be there for you no matter what. Tell them their method of dealing is wrong. I am sure they will improve and try to help you further. And with the bullies, believe me, they are idiots who are insecure about themselves and project it on others. Be strong enough to let them shrug off. Shine brighter, make them fear your shine. Take care!
when experiencing a bullying act it is important to get help and stop it immediately. when telling your parents, make sure they are fully aware on you're situation. lock eyes and tell them everything that has happened so they know what they are dealing with when in process of stopping this situation. when talking with your parents ask if they understand what you are saying and to repeat back what happened, this is to clarify any walls that would cause future problems for them when dealing with this. dont be afraid to come out to someone when you are experiencing a bullying situation
The biggest thing I would say for this, is tell your parents, exactly how you feel. It is so important as a child to have a good relationship with trust and stability with your parents. If you openly share with them, they will also trust you and be better able to understand how you feel. When I was bullied, my parents supported me, as I shared exactly what was going on and told them, what i needed to be supported. One must vocalize their needs in order for others to know what they can do for them. If you would not like them to apologize, the best thing is to let them know that, and your reasons.
It's always good to be honest with people as much as you can. Telling people how you feel is one of the best ways to make sure people understand. I know it can be hard, it's not easy to open up, but if you really want people to understand your situation and help you you should try talking to them. I understand the urge to just avoid conflict, even if it's harmful for you. However, self-care is very important. Try to explain to your parents what you're going through and how it makes you feel. Hopefully they'll understand and help you get through this hard time. You are loved and you are enough. Good luck!
Your parents need to understand that your feelings are important. They should set the example of how to properly confront a situation rather than shy away from it. You know your parents best, so you have to show them that you need their help, that your feelings are genuine and valid. You expect them as your parents to guide you through life. You deserve to have someone to lean on when people become negative. By them apologizing, your parents would be dismissing the situation, and therefore your feelings. Calmly explain your feelings to them, show them what you expect them to do. Remember, you are not alone, you have the entire 7 cups community to back you up. As an only child, I know what it's like having to rely on parents who aren't very confrontational. They don't like to meet other parents or go to social events. Once I talked to them and told them that I can support them the way I want them to support me, we've been able to go to more events (of course, prior to covid). Proper communication is key. You got this, stay strong!
You have to help them feel what you're going through. If they can put themselves in your shoes they will naturally take the appropriate action. Ask your parents to think back to a time where they compromised their integrety. How did it make them feel afterwards? Did they regret their actions? Share one of your own experiences to help them open up. Tell your parents how important it is to you that they have your back on this. explain how this feels like an on-going and daily conflict and you really need to feel supported by them and that they are on your team in this matter.
Maybe you can ask your parents to first listen to you, analyze why and how you are bullied, and ask them to believe in you and support you. Even if you are not bullied and want your parents to stand up for you, make them realise the consequences of bullying. I know that deep down they too know how bad bullying can get ... it is just that they sometimes avoid it. But the truth is, you are the only one who cant make your parents understand the importance of this subject. You should tell them, that by apologizing, one can either become polite or they can also become ignorant, and then tell them that you don't want your parents to turn out to be ignorant...
I went through this the best way would be to sit with your parents express how you are feeling see how they feel as well a chat can often bring families closer and to better understand what needs to be done. Sometimes parents may not fully understand what we may be feeling or going through so sometimes to express to them that you need their help and maybe explain to them what all has been happening and why it upsets you how they have been reacting to things i am sorry that this is happening to you bullying is rough and it is sad the world has it
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