Could someone help? I can normally talk, be happy and i laugh too MUCH. When i get home, i feel lonely, unwaned, useless, ugly, worthless. I sometimes think of suicide. Am I ok?

Hello there, I am sorry that it has taken a while for your question to be answered. Please note that it might possibly be that depression is disguising itself as a happy and bubbly personality when you are with others. Please do not feel that you have to put on a happy persona in public to keep other people happy, as this might make you feel worse. Everyone goes through hard times and nobody expects you to have to perform in a certain way if you aren't feeling up to it. Please also note that you are NOT unwanted, useless, ugly or worthless. These negative self-beliefs might be a nasty sign of depression, as well as suicidal thoughts. It is important that you look after yourself during this time and seek help if you feel that it is appropriate for you. Feel free to message me or another listener if you want to talk.

I just discovered your question, and although I'm not the one with the answers here, I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this as I too am EXACTLY the same way. It seems as though I put effort into putting on a positivity bringing presence via laughter, joking around, etc., but the second I have time for myself, I feel the gravity of how sad and lonely I truly am. This is very unhealthy as I've learned over the many years that I've been doing this. LunaRose 's respond to your situation seems to be the very appropriate thing to consider. Understanding that we DON'T have to put on a happy-go-lucky sort of personality for the public even though we have good intentions behind it. It's good to not carry around a storm cloud with you everywhere you go, but it's also unhealthy to keep said storm cloud brewing for hours and hours while masking it with something else. I've been going through a lot of personal situations over the years in addition to my constant loneliness since i was a kid and what I've had the unfortunate situation of learning is that keeping that storm cloud brewing can lead to emotional outbursts and results. Think of it as a build up of pressure and how unsafe and unhealthy that can be for one's body, mind, and soul. In the middle of work yesterday, I did my occasional kidding around and laughing with some co-workers and the second I had my workspace for myself, I randomly threw something and punched the door with all of my might whilst making sure no one was around. I then went into a secluded area and yelled out. Now sure, to an extent, it felt better to get that pressure off of me, but what if I didn't have the control to wait until the coast was clear? What if, with a little more pressure built up, I just happen to explode with an audience in attendance? That's what I mean by the unhealthy and unsafe nature of it all. You have to be able to find that balance between keeping a peacekeeping and positive atmosphere while also being true to your feelings. It helps to talk about how you feel deep down despite how tragic the subject matter may be. If you don't have anyone at work to speak to, I imagine that's why sites like these are around and there are several people in the world who are willing to sit down and listen, understand, and help you out to the best of their ability. I don't know you personally, but I can tell you right now...you're not alone, you're not useless, ugly, or remotely worthless. I know this because I say the same things about myself every now and then and sometimes i have to slap myself with a wake up call reminder that I'm just sinking into self destructive depression with words like that. It's so easy to sink, but when you find the strength to float above it all, words cannot describe how fulfilling and incredible that experience is. With that I say "I pray that you and I can battle what we're experiencing and the fact that I'm saying that proves that we are not alone with our current dilemma(s)". There is something strangely comforting about that I find.