Why do I want depression to come back?

It sounds like that would be a really confusing thing to wonder. For some people, their depression is like a heavy blanket that they are used to carrying and it can be scary and first living without that weight. Maybe you are used to the feeling of being depressed, and if you can get used to that uncomfortable and often horrible feeling you can get used to positive ones too. It sounds like you are missing being depressed and I would be curious what parts of it you are missing? If it's about self-care or community support you are deserving of that regardless of how you feel.

Maybe you've become accustomed to having it for a long time now, and without it, it makes you feel uncomfortable and strange as if a part of you isn't there. It's mostly due to feeling it for so long, you feel attached to it.

Possibly because it's a kind of excuse for your behavior. It could also be the attention and pity you recieved because of it.

Depression is not a feeling. It is a state of mind that lasts for a period of time and does not go away when it should. Change is always difficult and sometimes it can seem easier to embrace the negativity than it is to take the steps to change the negativity. When you start to make changes it is natural to resist the change because it is difficult. Other times it is difficult to change because the depression was a habit that you are used to and are now trying to change. Don't let the difficulty of change stop you from living your best life. As you move farther and farther towards your goal you will also move farther and farther away from wanting to go back to the negativity.