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How can I tell my mother in law to back off?

175 Answers
Last Updated: 03/24/2022 at 4:19am
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Top Rated Answers
Bonnie1
November 19th, 2016 1:14am
It depends on the situation. Is she interfering in your relationship with your partner or your kids, or is there something else going on? If this is the case, I would tell her directly that if you need her help, you will ask for it. If it's something relatively minor, you could ask your partner to intervene.
Poptart123love
December 4th, 2016 1:48pm
Talk to her in a calm but firm manner. Tell her why you are mad, and what she could do to be a better mother-in-law. If that does not work, be stronger, and tougher in your answer.
Breathdeeply01
January 14th, 2017 6:53am
Maybe try to think about exactly what it is she's doing that bothers you. Try to think of why she would be behaving this way, and try to think if its stemming from a good place in her eyes. Take the time to calm down, and come up with a plan of what you'd like to calmly say to her. For example instead of saying " You need to back off", try going with " It really upsets me when you do _____" And maybe offer suggestions on how you think your relationship could be more constructive.
avanef
March 9th, 2017 9:59pm
Just talk to her calmly and try to work your way to get to main point without causing a fight or the impression that you hate her or what have you. Sometimes when people bark are others about something, it doesn't accomplish anything and it's just bad. If you talk to her calmly and assess everything that needs to be spoken about, she might understand and respect your wants. Good luck! :)
Jamesgabriel00
April 5th, 2017 2:47am
React calmly, try not overwhelming the conversation. Ease your way onto the topic of your mother in law backing off, explain what she should be less invested in. If the conversation takes a turn for the worst, step away and take deep breaths to ease and calm your mind.
dancingBraid57
April 11th, 2017 2:36pm
Usually, it's hard for a mother to fully be aware that her daughter/son is a grown up, with a life and a partener. I think the best way is to tell her that you appreciate the help and as soon as you need help, you know that you can count on her, but for now, you really want to manage things with your partner. If your mother in law has an influence in your partner, you can talk to her/him (with the partner) about it.
sereneHoliday44
May 8th, 2017 4:23am
There are many ways to do that, but what i believe is that you should find a way which would not strain your relations. Harsh words do generate results at times very quickly but they also cause a long term damage in the relationship which becomes very hard to amend. So try and do so with the utmost subtle manner, and trying to convince that what you are doing is best for everyone.
LibFlo99
May 17th, 2017 2:54pm
With mother in laws, you never want to get on the wrong side of them, or come across as too harsh as that's your husband's mother. But, if she is getting involved too much, and trying to control things maybe you should sit down with your husband, and figure something out together. If you aren't comfortable talking to her in person about it, maybe message her.
Devon2
June 14th, 2017 1:53pm
I appreciate your concern and advice, but I feel this is my responsibility and I'd appreciate it if you let my partner & I handle this situation. Thank you.
Bosque
June 18th, 2017 10:07pm
Will be easier if you partner is supportive with you in this matter, but you can be respectful and tell her you need you space to create your family, just like she needed when she got married and created her family. So, doesn't mean you don't like her to be around since it's your family, but needs to give you some space to learn how to deal with your family
calmParadise87
June 22nd, 2017 6:45pm
This can be a hard one, you don't want to make her mad but you also want to show her compassion that you do care about her but you need your own space for you and your spouse. You might suggest that she call before coming over to visit, limit visits to once every couple of weeks, but be kind; she is your spouse's mother.
Anonymous
June 23rd, 2017 2:34pm
Pulling her to the side to tell her that she's being a little overbearing and that you appreciate her help but to leave everything to you and your husband/wife to decide
sweetSunrise18
July 5th, 2017 1:34pm
Have a chat on mutual grounds, tell her how you feel, tell her you don't always appreciate her help, but be nice about it... anger and resentment could only make things worse
benevolentReeds80
July 14th, 2017 1:19am
First you should make sure that you are calm and not agitated. You should sit down and have a calm talk about what is bothering you.
grubsnalf
August 18th, 2017 6:34pm
One method you could take is to talk to your significant other about how you are feeling toward your mother in law. Your significant other would be a nicer approach rather than you confronting her.
windfox3
August 20th, 2017 11:40pm
This is a huge question that has many parts. I'll do my best to give a little bit of a general answer for a starting point of reference. Mother in laws are a force to be reckoned with because they are used to being in charge of their family and their children. As such, they expect at times to assume that same role and try to take over the ongoing situations in their children's marriage. First, take a moment to understand that it is a mother's nature to incline herself to do such things, she's been doing it for years! It's not entirely her fault she falls into her common habit. Now. Remember what she is doing is a habit. An annoying one perhaps. The way to break bad habits is to stop reinforcing the behavior. Meaning, look at where she is over stepping her boundaries. Is she too nosy and expects to barge into your house uninvited whenever she wants? Is she choosing your children's daycare? Your honeymoon destination? Time to make a list of things she does that bothers you, AND talk to your spouse. This as much their problem as it is yours. They will have to stand up to their mother too, so you have a solid front. If your spouse keeps bending to their mother's will, your efforts will go no where. Once you have an idea what habits you need your mother in law to back off from, start implementing methods for this to happen. If she barges into your home at 8am and doesn't leave until 8pm, running your life all day, change the locks. Make new rules. She can come over for dinner and story time with the kids. Or at 8am for helping with breakfast and then take them to school at 9, but that's it. It's your house, it's your family, it's your private time. It's always a nice gesture to tell your mother in law that you appreciate her help and her advice, but to kindly remind her that you and your spouse are adults with your own mind and your own idea about how a family should grow.
TheZu
September 3rd, 2017 2:50pm
Do it gracefully, without any insinuation. Treat her with respect but don't yield to her demands. Always remain calm, respectful and kind as we deal with such an elder entity in our spouse' life, we want a good result and progress, not to transgress.
awesomeApple17
November 17th, 2017 12:20pm
Telling your mother In law to back off is sort of serious. I suggest negotiating with her and asking why she is so obsessive.
Anonymous
November 23rd, 2017 2:42am
Maybe try to have a conversation with her nicely an say how you feel, if that doesn't work then maybe try something else with her to get your point across.
XxCookiexX
December 1st, 2017 4:05pm
I believe that you should let her know her boundaries in the nicest way possible; shes just your mother in law, not your actual mother
Ahadi
December 7th, 2017 5:56pm
If she's trying to protect her daughter, it is admirable and you should be okay with it, but if she's being over protective, you have to confront her about this issue and tell her that you need to come to terms with what is happening.
havartilikeits1999
December 8th, 2017 2:19am
It definitely depends on the details of your situation, but in general I recommend being as polite as possible while clearly identifying behaviour that you would like her to stop and giving a personal reason why. It helps if you are also empathetic. For example, "Mother-in-law, I know that you are trying to be helpful, but I would appreciate it if you didn't criticise my housekeeping. It's difficult to not feel insulted by it. If I need advice, I'll ask you directly. Thank you." However, some people will not respond to this method, and you may simply need to reduce your contact or emotional investment in the relationship on your end. It's definitely a difficult problem. Good luck!
Anonymous
December 16th, 2017 9:09pm
You may not be able to. You can try to do so with tactful words and deliberate distance (harder with kids). But ultimately, your husband or wife must set their own mother straight if she's out of line. Its the only way this will work long term.
Anonymous
January 12th, 2018 3:30pm
A better way to give to tell her is maybe telling her how you feel and what she's doing if it's affecting you or maybe slowly distance yourself from her but keep in mind she's still going to be in your life but try and be cordial relationship and simple I hope I answered your question well
Ninolo
January 28th, 2018 1:50pm
First, a good measure of perspective can help. Your step mother is a human beings with feelings and issues and the ability to negotiate, understand and evolve, and this is how you'll think for the duration of the exercise. Then, take a piece of paper and try to write all the things you feel like telling her, things you have issues with, things she does that hurt or upset you. Think also of what YOU can do better, what YOU can improve. Show that coexisting means work from both sides. Organize what you just wrote, and try to communicate it again. If verbal communication is difficult or impossible, try writing a letter!
happysunshine9
February 7th, 2018 1:07am
if she is being all close and personal , you can always just ask her to please give you and your fiancé a little space .
Marshmallowcloud14
February 8th, 2018 10:45am
Ive told my mother in law to back off in a calm polite manner by confronting her and telling her how i feel.
Zakkuchan
February 21st, 2018 6:34pm
You can tell her very politely that you just need some space to do things on your own and if you need any help that you will ask for it.
Anonymous
March 3rd, 2018 6:37pm
Just be honest and say what you feel is right, tell her you need the space and she needs to back off as you need to be able to do things on your own and if you need her then you'll go to her.
miraculousHeart73
March 22nd, 2018 7:16pm
Well, the best thing here is to remember that she has feelings like you do. Try to speak in a "indoor" voice without raising it. That will only make problems worse. You need to let her know that what she is doing is bothering you, and how it is effecting you. Try not to point fingers or blame it on her, but show respect. This may be difficult, but you have to draw the line somewhere. Be mature about it.