How do I avoid taking the harmful things my mom says to me to heart?
Last Updated: 01/21/2020 at 12:26am
Brenda Munroe, LCSW
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), I have worked with individuals of all ages. My work with clients is supportive, interactive and nonjudgmental.
Top Rated Answers
Sometimes your mum might get angry with you for some reason, and then say something which isn't so nice - but you've got to remember that she is your mum, and she loves you, and will never hurt you!
Can you avoid getting wet standing under the rain ? Stay away from the rain. Only come out when it's sunny.
Know that she's just human and may be going through difficult times. Most likely she said those things in the heat of the moment without considering how harmful they can be. Afterwards, she may be too embarrassed to apologize or thought that it was alright since she may expect you to understand since it was just said when she's unhappy. You can also tell her when she's normal that her words harm you. She will take note of this if she is understanding. If she keeps saying these harmful things however, just know that you're your own person, and you can make a stand by retorting politely to her, while showing that you are concerned about how she's feeling then. i.e. 'you're so stupid' --> 'I do well in school/I do well at work. I don't agree with what you said, but I'm hurt that you think that way. What's bothering you?/why are you so angry/annoyed at me?'
Sometimes people are not always in a mindset to fully consider what they say, and will say hurtful things! It's important to remember what we feel versus what someone else is telling us; If someone says we are stupid, we know we are not stupid so it should not matter what they say. Building confidence is a good way to prevent others from affecting our mood and opinions of ourselves.
We are always going to care what our closest loved ones think of us, or how they speak towards us. It is much easier to dismiss the words of an acquaintance than the mother. Having said that, a few strategies might help a little bit. First, try and talk to your mother. I know, this may seem like the hardest thing you might ever have to do, as it requires you to be especially vulnerable. However, actually opening up about how her words make you feel may enlighten her; some people honestly do not realize how their words or behaviour affects those around us. This option would be ideal, as it would give you the best chance to actually change the situation. Second, it may help to realize the ultimate truth, that your mother is not perfect - she is flawed, like any human being. She may lack sensitivity due to her character, she may be used to speaking in a harmful way having learnt it from her own parents, or she may simply be ignorant to how her words make you feel; whatever it is, you need to accept the fact that she will never be a perfect parent. Such realization, although it doesn't resolve the problem itself, might ease your own suffering. Last but not least, think about this: you do not belong to your mother, you are your own person; neither your mother, nor her words define who you are or your experience in this world - at least it should not. I know, it's easier to say, than it is to believe it, but it is true. Don't give your power away to your mother. You cannot allow her to be in control of your emotions or your life decisions.
You cannot, you cannot control how you feel or take things to heart, its a natural process. What she is doing isnt right and that dynamic may be changeable if possible by telling her that what she says is wrong if its not already self evident, and if she changes, then good, if not, I would try to distance myself from such people. I think thats all that can be done when I have found myself in similar situations, I try to communicate the issue and see if they change, if they cant, i take it as my cue to leave to protect myself. But, you know your situation best and what will work for you, and I am sorry that you are being hurt by your mother, I have been there as well and its horrible and breaks the whole relationship very easily and beyond repair at times. And can destroy one's self esteem as well,and its really painful when a loved one does it . I can empathise with it.
You are who you want to be. Even if your mom says hurtful things, you choose who you want to be. Be honest to yourself and be who you are supposed to be by being true to yourself.
By trying to understand what your mother is going through and seeing things from her perspective. My mother has depression and bipolar disorder. She has a history of sexual abuse and grew up in a poor environment, so she didn't have an easy life. She used to say mean things about abandoning my sisters and I or how she should go die so we can get money because it would clearly make us happy. I know she loves us dearly, especially with how often she tells us about how happy she is to have had us, so I see it as her depression/bipolar talking and, while it hurts, I know she doesn't mean it personally.
Just know that a mother's love will always be there no matter what. Even if it is being marred by unkind words. Love is a powerful thing and can help change the way people act towards you. Just keep showing your mom how much you love her and are grateful for her presence in your life. You might be surprised at the change you will see!
You can try talking to your mum and telling her that the things that she is saying is leaving a scar. You can always let it go in one year and of the other as well.
By understanding that even though she's your mother she's a person with flaws and different opinions
Ignore them, she probably doesn't mean them, do stuff around the house to get nice things said to you
Think about how she could be having problems on her own time. She isn't saying those things for no reason. I know when my mom says harsh things to me that somethings up with her and I try to help her feel better about them.
Yes, Trust me, I've had my fair share of this, No parent is perfect, she's probably really stressed out, she obviously doesn't mean what shes saying, or maybe shes just so frustrated that's all that comes out
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