I am adopted and want to find my birth mother, my mom seems very uneasy about my wanting to do this. How can I ease her worries and still ty to do this?
Last Updated: 08/17/2020 at 12:23am
Jackie Dross, M.S. Community Counseling
I have a passion for working with people from a non-judgmental, strengths based approach to meet their goals for personal growth.
Top Rated Answers
When I was looking for my birth mother, both my mom and dad were very uneasy. I assured them by talking to them about others success and how it helped them grow as people and it felt like a lift off their chest. Explain to your mom that you are just looking for assurance and closure. Best of luck!!
Tell her that she can come with you you if you ever find your birth mother, and assure your mother that no matter what happens she is always your mother. She is most likely afraid that she might loose you if you find your birth mother which is understandable.
Ask her to come with you to see your birth mother. If they haven't told you why they're worried or there is no real reason that you can see as to why they might be worried, there could be something they're not telling you that perhaps you shouldn't know. There's a reason people are adopted. They don't give children up for adoption for no reason and definitely not for something as simple as forgetting to do your homework. You could go to your local social services and ask to see your records. They will have everything about you and as long as you're over the age of 16, you will have no problem seeing your records without your parents consent. You will need to read your records at the social services before they will give you a copy to take home. You could phone your local social services office and ask for your social services files to which they would need to look out, print and arrange a date for you to come in which would take a week or so. Probably longer. I say this because you're better off knowing what happened and why before you go to meet the person so that you can make an informed decision and to know the truth. That way, you'll get less lies in case they try to turn you against your adopted parents too. Not saying they will but it is a possibility. I hope you find what you're looking for and I wish you luck.
I would suggest talking to her. Reassure her that you love her and that you aren't trying to replace her, but just find where you came from. Explain to her why you want to find your birth mother and what it will do for you. Listen to her and ask why she might be uneasy about it. I'm sure if she sees how much it means to you, she might offer to help you.
It's natural to be curious about your birth mother. You should sit down with your mother and explain the reasons why you want to know about your birth mother and what you hope to gain by finding out this information. Also, you should try to understand her reasons for being hesitant at researching your birth mother, ask why she's uneasy. Researching your birth mother is a stressful topic for her as well. Be sure to ask what information she knows regarding your birth mother and your adoption as a starting point. Try to keep her actively involved as you research your birth mother, as long as she feels comfortable with it.
Hi! Well, in my opinion you should explain her how important is this to you! If she still opposes to the idea, you could go to the hospital and ask for your birth documents. Good luck :)
Remind her that you still love her and your not wanting to replace her. Her main worries are proboably that you won't be happy with her anymore and that meeting your birthmother might stir up emotions for you.
It's inly natural for your mom to feel this way. She may have this uneasy feeling simply because she doesn't want you to get hurt or she doesn't want you to forget about her once/if you do find your birth mom. Either way she is feeling this way because she loves you and she cares about you and probably wants things to stay the same between you two. I'm not really sure how you can make her feel of ease when it comes to something like this, but you can try having a conversation with her to assure her that you won't forget about her and that your relationship will remain the same and even though you want to go through with the decision to fine the woman that gave birth to you that she will always be your mother.
I think you should tell your mom how you feel. That you would love to find your birth mom but doing so would not affect the love you have towards her.
it's completely normal for you to want to find your birth mother, but i can also understand why your mom's very uneasy about that. she's afraid for you, she doesn't want you to get hurt or forget about her when you meet your birth mother. you can talk to her about the reason why you want to find your biological mother, she'll understand. tell her, that she'll always be your mom, that you'll never leave her. you can ask for her help and involved her in your search to find your birth mother. don't forget to remind her that you love her everyday. hope it'll help :)
Talk to her, maybe she's protecting you from a harsh truth, but make it clear that you have every right of knowing.
Tell her you need to know where you came from but reassure her a lot by telling her that you love her and that no one can replace her i' your heart.
You could ask her to help you find her, involve her in the whole process. She is probably worried that you might not like what you find.
Some of the adopted children, when they find their birth mother, leave the foster mother. This may be the concern of your mother. Talk to her may be the best solution in this case.
Make sure that she knows that you're not just gonna get up and leave her when you find her. Assure her that you just want to know where you came from.
You can talk to her about how you feel. You can let her know how much you love and care for her, while also letting her know its important that you know where you biologically came from. I think once she sees and knows this and hears this, that her feelings about it and her fears will change.
Ask her what makes her uneasy... Is it that she's afraid you'll be disappointed by your findings or that you will in turn abandon her? Talk to her, ease her anxiety!
Perhaps an open discussion about it could help. Finding out what makes her uneasy about it may help you to better understand and the open discussion about it would clarify things for you as well Good luck! :)
You could explain the reasons for wanting to find your birth mum and assure your mother that she will always be your mum
Try to explain that the love you have for her will never change. Love is infinite, you can always make more when you need it, and just because you might want to give someone else some love, it doesn't mean that you'll take any away from her. Your birth mom is a part of your life, and you want to meet her.
"I recognize that you feel very uneasy about my search for my birth mother. I love you and am so grateful that you are my mother. Family is who we choose it to be, and I am grateful you chose me to be part of yours. I want us to continue having a great relationship. Maybe if I explain why I am looking and why it is important to my identity, it would help you to understand. I think this is important to me because ___ and I feel ___ about the idea of finding someone related to me. I feel ___ towards you and I hope you feel ___ towards me too. I want to know that I can count on your love and support in the trying days ahead for me and that you will always be there for me as my mother.
Explain to her that she will always be your mother and you will always respect and love her as much as you do now and there is no need to worry
Maybe she is just trying to protect you on what you are about to find out or she is just afraid to loose you. You have to assure her that whatever you find out you will be able to deal with it and you will always have her to help and you will also have to assure her that things will not change between the two of you even if you meet your real mom.
Speaking assertively involves expressing your views clearly, whilst keeping your mom's feelings in mind. I'd recommend approaching her calmly and reassuring her that it does not make her any less of your mother, simply that you have every right as an adoptee to want to meet your birth mother.
Tell your mom you love her and always will. But that you need to know what happened in the past and the reason why you eventually where adopted. So you can make peace with your past and life a without having to look back and thinking about unanswered questions which keep you busy. There are many questions to be asked and answers to be given. So that you feel better living a life and having or not having a family in the future. But if you do? Then you have a better understanding how to explain it to your own children.
It's helpful when you remind your family how important they are to you. When my little brother decided to do this, that's what was hard from my perspective. It helped a lot to feel my position in his life validated and like he wasn't going to stop seeing me (us) the same way. So I'd say having a frank but loving conversation may be the most helpful thing for your mom. And thinking about how this journey might affect you and your loved ones along the way. It seems like you're being thoughtful about it already, which is the most important thing!
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