I don't get along with my mother-in-law and because of that my husband always feels I don't care about his family. What should I do?
Last Updated: 08/20/2018 at 6:23pm
Jui Shankar, Ph.D
My worldview offers a systems perspective that values diverse clients and their struggles. I believe supportive and nonjudgmental therapeutic relationships empower clients.
Top Rated Answers
Try to develop a "professional" relationship with your mother-in-law that is based on mutual respect, thus, you'd be interacting with each other, showing your husband that you do care, but from a position that is comfortable to you
You can't do anything about your mother-in-law's behaviour; she is her own person and you can't control her reactions. All you can do is try your best to get along with her, empathise with her and understand her. If you've tried your best and it still doesn't work, that's not your problem! She may be dealing with her own emotional baggage, her own demons, which may hinder your relationship with her. Again, if that's the case it's out of your control. If I were in your situation, I'd perhaps talk to my husband about my feelings about the relationship with mother-in-law. Identify situations which are hard for me. Illustrate things that I'm doing to get along with her, and let my husband know that I care. That I love him; that I love his family. But also express to him that there are things which I cannot control, such as whether his mom likes me or not. The best case scenario, is if you and your husband stand on the same side. Much marriage counselling literature talk about how the mother-in-law will stop being difficult once she realises that she can't cause a rift between her son and his wife. Not to say that you should together bully her - but the simple gesture of standing united usually halts any potential abusive behaviour and animosity. But again, that's generalising. It might not work in your situation - every marriage is different! Some of these concepts were borrowed from John Gotmann's The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work. There's a chapter that specifically addresses in-law relationships, why they are commonly difficult, and ways to improve such. Hope you're ok. It usually gets better with time :)
Talk to your husband and work out your guys differences with his side of the family. Make ti clear that you don't mean to be mean to his mother.
Try to speak to her within a certain border, make sure nothing could lead to a problem. Just call to say hi how are you and that's it, don't let it get to a point where there could be a conflict between the both of you.
Communication is key! If you explain to him that you and your mother-in-law just don't get along, but that you still care about his family because it is important to him I am sure you will find that you both understand each other a little better. Hope all is well :)
Honesty is the key to any relationship. Share with your husband how you feel and if possible, seek his advice as well. This will show him that you care about your relations with his mother because you are making the effort to improve on it :)
Sit down and talk to him about it. You don't want him thinking that you think it's all about you, so talk to him.
This is the woman that created a man so perfect that you chose to spend the rest of your life with him, so she can't be all that bad. Sometimes remembering that can help to improve the wife/mil relationship.
This can be a difficult situation. But the best thing to do is to talk with your husband about what you are feeling and why. Lay it out for him as to why you feel you two can't get along. Also you can seek advice from a therapist or counselor to help you through and to help you both understand each other. And possibly gain some coping skills on how to deal with the mother in law. Or else, it looks like you will have to set aside your differences and try to deal with the situation the best you can.
You must open up to your husband your feelings towards your mom. Communication with your partner is really important.
Not being capable of getting along with someone and caring about someone are two different entities though co-existant. You can demonstrate your feelings in many ways. Be sure to isolate the issue of not being allowed or able to peacefully co-exist with someone from the fact that despite everything else there is empathy and love.
First, you need to talk to him and explain the situation. It's not a matter of not caring, it's a matter of butting heads with your mother-in-law. The second part is examining why you don't get along with her - do you butt heads on little things, or is there something deeper there that you need to address? If it's just that you don't see eye to eye on certain topics (politics, religion), avoid talking about those topics with her, and find things you do share - perhaps a love of gardening or reading. Find something you have in common, and your relationship will likely improve. As well, your husband may be able to help you two connect. He knows what she loves, and he knows what you love - he may be able to make suggestions as to what you two can do to help your relationship improve.
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