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Why don't they understand me?

141 Answers
Last Updated: 04/27/2022 at 4:23pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Stacy Overton, PhD.

Counselor

I am an enthusiastic life-long learner and also a professor of counseling. I have a passion for peoples stories and helping to guide and empower the human spirit.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
October 23rd, 2016 11:29pm
Everyone's different and has had different experiences in their lives. They might not understand you because they haven't experienced something for themselves. It could also be hard for them to understand something very different from what they're used to thinking or something that goes against their beliefs.
Textingpals
October 30th, 2020 10:14am
You know, what every person wants secretly? A house, a pet and someone who understands them. Unfortunately, it's not always so easy. Sadly, we don't always get what we want. Sometimes, things are entirely different from what we think. Sometimes, the other person is trying their best to understand but it's just hard. Sometimes, the other person isn't even trying. Sometimes, the other person thinks they understand you well enough and it's just you who isn't satisfied. Whatever the reason may be, having someone who actually understands you is a blessing. There are lots of reasons behind someone not understanding, like I have said. To add more, sometimes, they give up without even trying thinking you are too complex to understand. Sometimes- may be the most negative one- they think you are not worth trying to understand. Whatever the reason is, the thing is, it's very difficult to find someone who actually understands. We can't do anything about that, however, what we can do is try to understand ourselves. Try to be the person we want for us, ourselves. Why find it in someone else? Why not try to find that in ourselves?
Anonymous
March 10th, 2022 8:05pm
Many people may not understand you because they themselves haven't lived through the same things, or lack empathy for those who have. This can certainly bring up some hard emotions, especially if these people are close to you. Some strategies to work through this may include trying to talk with those who don't understand so that you can maybe explain what it is they might be missing. If all else fails, then you must consider how valuable you are, and whether this person sees that in you. Would someone who sees the value in you fail to hear you explain what they don't understand? Do you think it's run its course? Or are you willing to explain again, and perhaps come at it better prepared?
GreatHelp
January 24th, 2019 12:45pm
They don't understand you because A) they haven't had the same experience as you, and B) because they can't physically imagine what you are going through. Whether it be abuse or drug problems, or simply a relationship, it is really hard to go through those. Sometimes you just have to find the right person to understand you, and stick with them. Whether this be a really good friend, a counselor, or someone else, you have to find that one special person who can really believe you and trust you. That is why they don't understand you. The best thing you can do, is to understand yourself
OceanFox
April 14th, 2019 3:44pm
Everyone is unique and has unique experiences. No one is going to understand you 100%. It’s part of what makes you you. Don’t be discouraged. If you feel like you’re misunderstood, you should try communicating your feelings. Tell people what you’re going through and how it makes you feel. Tell them what you like and why you enjoy it. Tell them whatever it is you feel they don’t understand. That being said, ultimately it is up to the other person to choose to listen. Try not to let it get you down if one person doesn’t put forth the effort to get to know you for you. Not everyone will. But the more you try, the more people will be willing to meet your expectations.
whimsicalDriftwood
August 1st, 2020 6:55am
I don't think anyone can give a concrete answer to this. Because I think that if everyone understood you, you wouldn't see those right few people who are actually meant for you. As we grow old, we gain experience and I would like to believe that this experience, no matter good or bad, they act as a filter which helps us see the one or two people who are meant to understand you honestly and completely out of a 100 people without pretense. The journey to that point is often lined with loneliness and that sucks. But that's life. And life is often ironic if nothing else. I can only say that don't stop communicating or looking out for those people - at one point, they'll find you or you'll find them. This is my perspective, so - I hope it helped even if it's the tiniest of bits.
LittleMissListener3
November 22nd, 2018 11:11am
Understanding someone is very difficult. You have to understand their background, their biases, their emotions, drives, etc. before you can come to a judgement about why they do or say what they do. This is incredibly difficult because most people don't know each other well enough to know all of those things. If you want them to understand you, the best way is to sit down and talk to them. Ask them questions and answers theirs, Learn more about them while telling them about yourself. In that manner, you can learn more about what shapes the person and can understand each other better.
listeningmatters
April 27th, 2022 4:23pm
Well, I guess my answer will be like some other people's answers here. I know it might sound classic, but it's true to my case. People don't understand me because I am unique. There is this drive in me trying to act like the mainstream to get their approval. But it doesn't last long usually. The stronger part in me, which is the unique-different me, will soon make me not at peace with myself. Then I stop looking for approval, because it hurts more being not approved by myself. From then on, I can continue my journey being myself. I am unique. It's okay not to be understood by others.
ItsjustMorgan
December 28th, 2018 5:46am
It’s hard to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. Many believe that their situation is similar to yours which may not be the case, and solutions that worked for them may not be right for you. It’s important to talk to someone who can show you unbiased support and show you a new way to look at your issue. Differences of lifestyles can work as a barrier to understanding other people’s struggles and when looking for advice, people from different backgrounds have different ways for approaching a problem. The person you are trying to communicate with may be confused and it’s important that you calmly and simply explain where you are coming from, and ask to see their perspective as well so you can come to a consensus on how to solve the issue.
ItsNeeleyo360
December 28th, 2018 6:00am
If one is not understood then why would one be there to begin? If you are talking to others then they should be able to understand your point of view and what you mean or have to say! Anytime that you need to tell someone something they need to know that they are responsible to be able to help you with all means that are necessary. if they do not understand that then you have to tell them what or how much it means to you! There are times that the person will not understand but you truly need to tell them what it means to you and hopefully, they will understand!
heysunshine12
December 28th, 2018 8:50am
I used to think the same about the people around me. I wanted to be understood, but my mistake was I didn't want to speak out. I wanted them to understand despite me not telling them. But they couldn't read my mind and I became angry. Now I understand that if I want people to understand me, then I don't understand how things work. People can NOT understand me. Can you understand your friend? You haven't gone through what they have, and you don't think what they think of. It's logical that they don't understand you. But that doesn't mean they didn't try, or you're not worthy enough to be understood. Maybe they do want to understand you, but they don't know how. It's where you help them to understand you better.
Anonymous
February 8th, 2019 8:59am
Many people do not understand the pain of others because they are not in their shoes. Sometimes this is because they don't want to see the pain, sometimes it's because they haven't experienced that despair, sometimes they struggle to get it and other times it's because they aren't trying to understand. There are many reasons someone may not understand you but at the end of the day it is not your fault, you cannot make someone understand, I find using analogy's, metaphors and scenarios puts what I feel I need to say across in an easier way to understand than simply trying to explain the issue. Sometimes when we don't understand our own problems it can make it harder for others to do so because we struggle to explain what's going on
Anonymous
February 22nd, 2019 4:47pm
A quote that I hold near and dear to my heart is "First seek to understand, only then to be understood". I find value in this for self reflection first. It's vastly important to examine one's own self. And realize that we are all very complicated individuals. How in the world can we truly expect another to understand us, if we don't understand ourselves? I think this quote applies to others as well. It's amazing sometimes to see the change you make in others if you are the change that you want to see in the world. First seek to understand them! Once another see's your efforts in trying to find common ground, trying to address their needs, then many times, the other will find it in their heart to be patient, and address yours.
pplloveu
April 17th, 2019 4:22pm
It’s not that people don’t understand you, it’s more like they can’t relate to what you are going through. So they try not to say they understand because they don’t. Instead they tend to ignore you in hopes of you understanding that they won’t be that much of a help because they have no idea of what it feels to be going through what you’re going through. So instead of giving you false information they try to act like you’re not their in hopes of not hurting you. Yet that does more damage they what they would think it does you don’t want to face this alone because when nobody there the voices get loud and they are looking for an “easy win” and you don’t believe that ur strong enough to go on. So. You start to believe what all the voices are saying. Because even if you feel small, people notice they remember who you are when you don’t.
DelicateButterfly78
May 15th, 2019 11:28pm
Hi and thanks for the question! Before I answer the question, my question to you is, "Who are they?" This is a very general question requesting a very detailed answer, and that is not possible since I don't know who you are referring to as "they". Are "they" your parents, siblings, perhaps your children or grandchildren? Maybe "they" are your teachers or your friends. Do you see where I am going here? I am trying to figure out who "they" are. So, before you ask a question regarding "they", you need to be specific. Yes, I have been quoting the word, not to be mean, but to show you how general this question is. Thank you and have a nice day!
Anonymous
June 22nd, 2019 11:45am
All people may listen to you but not all of them will understand you or your situation. Some people do not understand you maybe because they haven't been what you have been through or they haven't been in your situation, or they are just not open minded enough to understand what you've been through or they just don't really understand at all. Everybody will listen but not everybody will understand or can not understand maybe because they haven't experienced the worse that the world can give or they just refused to understand you because they have not been on your situation.
fantasticMusic40
August 17th, 2019 11:45am
There isn't a simple answer. There are so many answers out there that honestly you'll feel lost and confused but that's okay. Maybe they don't understand who you are because they're not putting in the effort or want to believe when they believe but it's not to say we don't put up our own walls. Tall, stone cold walls that are almost impossible to climb. It’s not only up to them to try and understand us but it works both ways. To be vulnerable is scary - trust me i know - but it’s okay because there’s always someone out there who is willing to accept all of you. The good and the bad. It may not be tomorrow or in the next 5 years but trust me… they’ll be there and it would be worth while.
friendlyHeart49
August 24th, 2019 2:18pm
My dad say's "nothing is stranger than people." It's true. Sometimes people just don't take the time to appreciate just how amazing you are. The best thing you can do is understand yourself. If you enjoy something, but they don't, do it anyway for yourself. If you like something but they don't and they give you hate comments- ignore them and kill them with kindness. A sweet smile at someone who has just thrown an insult your way is the best comeback you can give because it shows that you have not been affected by it. If these people are your friends and family, then it's a little harder to ignore - I get that. My dad doesn't understand me. But, in the end, I realised it doesn't matter. I know who I am. You know who you are, and that's the main thing.
RubyDragonTea
October 10th, 2019 8:52am
TL;DR: simply put, because they aren't you. Everyone is different. We all "know" this, but often don't understand it in our heart. Everyone around us has their own feelings, their own experience, and it adds up to living in a different world. Understanding is using our different experience to try and connect. Reaching from different starting points, trying to find the same conclusion. Sometimes we can walk different paths and reach each other, and then we say we understand. Sometimes we diverge along the way. If we take in to account that everyone is living in a different world, everyone is walking a different path, and relate to people using experiences we shared, maybe for a short while we can see the same view.
Neverlandreams22
October 26th, 2019 10:00am
Everybody is different. Think of it in terms of music. I may be a rock kind of person, and you may be an indie kind of person. No two tastes are the same. However, there are often cases where the general consensus is a single taste, such as Billie eilish. These people are so much easier for others to get along with because they see eye to eye. You with your indie tastes can’t understand them, and they can’t understand you. That doesn’t go to say one of you is in the wrong, you can’t punish someone for how they were made, what’s important is how one overcomes those differences. There will always be people afraid of change, something beyond what they’ve always known and will simply dismiss you. But look for those who see contrast as beauty. Personally, I seek people who vary from me because I find it easier to engage in conversation with things I have yet to learn rather than what I am already aware of, it prevents a loop of bland conversation and expands my horizon. One day you will meet people who see you as an opportunity to learn new things, you’re fresh and intriguing in their eyes and those people always exist.
Rebekah
November 8th, 2019 9:27am
This is a hard one. Being understood by one person is amazing, yet alone a second person or even a large group! It is sometimes hard to understand others and be understood as a person, whether it be to understand actions or feelings, or in general needing/wanting to be understood. It can be hard when others can't (or sometimes) won't - it's just something that many people seem to struggle with, unfortunately. Understanding yourself first of all is very important - it's like people say, you cannot love without loving yourself, and in this instance, it could be very similar.
Anonymous
December 25th, 2019 12:27am
It takes time, these things cannot be rushed. Understand they might feel the same way. Everyone goes through things, there's always someone to talk to you if you ever need it. I'll always be here if you need someone to talk to, please dont feel pressured into telling me things that may upset you. Tell me when you feel ready. Sometimes i also feel misunderstood, it's hard to carry on when you feel like the only person that you can rely on. It's a lot to manage by yourself, i hope one day you will see the amazing person you are xx
naviel
January 10th, 2020 7:56am
Sometimes, to understand ourselves, we need to delve deeper and look into ourselves. We blame people because they fail to understand us, and we blame the situation because it doesn't turn out like we hope to be. Most of the time, we find ourselves to blame outside world for all the troubles or problems we have. We think that all those worries, fears, and anger are from outside world, not realizing that all of those comes within you, from not be able to accept what happened and let go of it. The one who can understand yourself the best is only you, and the one who can make yourself truly happy is you :)
silversoul04
January 11th, 2020 5:41pm
Some or most times, we can't really comprehend the actions of others. People might seem like they are quite laid back, but they at times behave completely different from the said "character". The same scenario applies for us, just like how we cant understand others at times, they also can't understand us or our opinions. This mutual " not understanding " stems from the fact that they haven't gone through the same things as I have. The way people respond are cumulative to how things have been in the past and the present and also in accordance to the varying degree of impact every situation has on a person. And this is basically why others cant understand you and vice-versa.
PeterPan27
January 25th, 2020 10:11am
Not everyone thinks the same, find the ones who understand and support you, with those type of friend nothing will be able to stop your goals in.
Anonymous
January 30th, 2020 3:58pm
Each and every person has a different competence level of understanding. Somethings are easy for some while difficult for others. When you feel that someone doesn't understand you it's because they see you differently than how you see yourself and others and they aren't on the same page as you. When this happens it might get difficult to be around those but what can be done is understand and support yourself when you think nobody is, if you think there might be alternatives on how things can be done, try that. It's nor you neither them, it is just the way things are and they will keep changing.
softLight466
February 5th, 2020 4:30pm
The simple answer would be, cause they are not you.Its hard sometimes and no one really gets us but that is time we must hold on to hope and know that someone will always be there.You are never alone, we might notunderstand but tha does not mean we dont care. WE do, I do for there was a time where I questioned, why dont they understand me. The only person who knows you the best is you. It will be hard but you can do it. There is always hope. Even if they dont understand you hold on, because when someone else needs understanding, you might be the person to give them hope, cause you understand.
TrueHelper1
February 22nd, 2020 2:53am
Everyone is different. Nobody really understands anybody. What matters is that we all do our best, sometimes it might feel like people aren't trying for you, but I promise they are. Just because they don't understand you it doesn't mean they're not trying to. Maybe you should reach out more and explain what you think is missing from their understanding of you? Maybe you could try asking people to more conscious of your feeling and maybe try to be more open. Everyone is just trying their personal best! Don't take anything too personally, sometimes people just slip up or miss simple things.
Anonymous
March 26th, 2020 2:16am
Sometimes people have more time to get to know a person then some people do. Sadly people do not take the time to get to know a person,like they use to. There is a lot of factors that come into play here. I will name just a few,here. This is not all of the reasons,that could be the reason,that people do not understand others,like your-self. Work for some will factor into it. Education as well. Sometimes the way you are raised plays a role. The individual personality as well. Some people love to get to know a person,and will take the time to. Sadly,others will not. The key here is to find people, who will take the time to understand you, and who knows,they might even try to be your friend and want to talk with you.
NoJudgement
July 24th, 2021 1:21am
Its hard to truly know someone even when you are close whether it be friend or family. The first step that can be taken towards mutual understanding is to communicate in a way both parties can comprehend because odds are they cant read you mind. They only know what you tell them or show them. It can be difficult and frustrating to try to communicate but the difficulty is worth it if you are able to establish a better understanding of each other that will last longer than the frustration. Ultimately what I'm saying is try mutual communication and understanding.