How to overcome break ups?
Last Updated: 09/02/2020 at 10:09am
Sarah Robb, LISW-S (Licensed Independent Social Worker, Supervisor Designation) and LICDC (Licenced Chemical Dependency Counselor)
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. Life poses many challenges. Learning to face, cope with, and resolve these challenges can increase our resilience.
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To overcome the end of a relationship, change your mindset! When a couple becomes fragmented, the separation process is not usually pleasant. However, some people are able to keep going, while others ruminate for months and years after a breakup, so that they impair their chances of finding new relationships. What makes the difference? The change in mentality. After a breakup you may feel hurt, upset, betrayed or scared at the thought of being alone. It is also possible that you become obsessed with your ex-partner and feel jealous of the person he is dating now. You may feel inadequate, unattractive, and believe that you are unlovable. This, which sounds so sad and pathetic, is a normal thing. In fact, research shows that terms lead us to see ourselves and others in a more negative way. It is also more unlikely that we will start a new relationship and, if we succeed, the chances of an unhealthy relationship increase. After the breakup, most people try to make sense of what happened by wondering why it happened, if it was your fault or what chances are there of finding new love in the future. The way to answer these questions can help us to face the situation or to become vulnerable in the face of psychological damage. However, people have different views on how much we can grow and change. People who see their personality and attributes as a fixed and immutable thing, that is, with a fixed mentality, are more likely to attribute the rupture to the negative aspects of themselves. The stories we tell ourselves about the rupture highlight our own shortcomings. On the other hand, people who see their personality traits as a mutant and have a growth mindset are more likely to create less damaging stories about ending. Thus, they may be better able to see it as a growth opportunity and hope to have a better relationship at the next opportunity. What to do to change the mindset and overcome the breakup To overcome a break in a healthy way it is important to change your attitude and evolve into a growth mindset. To make the change you can do the following: Truly analyze the reasons for the breakup, but without unnecessarily assuming more guilt than it corresponds to. In all types of relationships, all people involved have a part of responsibility for problems that arise. In love relationships exactly the same happens. Take your share of the blame, but don't pose yourself as a victim. Carrying more responsibility than you have will not be good for you and will not solve anything. Worse, it will damage your self-image and make it harder for you to maintain healthy relationships in the future. Identify which personal defects triggered the problem. There are many personal factors that can trigger a love conflict that ends in an ending. Some are transitory, other times the problem comes from external issues. The important thing is to know what has failed and how it can be avoided or changed in the future. Circumstances often do not favor relationships. Ending is a common experience. Despite the pain you feel because of the breakup, remember that you are not the only one who has ended a romantic relationship. You are not the one who was left or deceived or the one who had to end. As much pain as you feel, you can also overcome it, as so many others have done. Look for something positive to learn from this experience. You learn a lot of things with an ending, but don't get carried away by the negative things. This relationship has also brought you many good things. Don't just focus on the negative, because if you focus on that, you will be overwhelmed by pessimism and fear, which will make your future relationships more difficult. Regardless of how it was provoked, after an end there is always hope. Not to recover the relationship, but not to give up on yourself in the face of this bitter end. In life there are cycles and love is still one of them, so being tied to it when the relationship is over will only increase your feeling of suffocation.
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