How do I come out as asexual without people thinking something must have happened (hormonal, trauma, etc) to me?
Last Updated: 07/17/2018 at 9:20pm
Johanna Liasides, MSc
I work with youth and young adults to help them improve depressive symptoms and self-esteem as well as effectively address family, relationship and peer conflicts.
Top Rated Answers
I'm asexual and I haven't come out to very many people. Several of the people I HAVE told have had that response, though. Asexuality is mistakenly confused with abnormally low libido (physical problem) and sexual repression as a response to trauma or abuse (psychological problem), as you've noticed. These are based on the assumption that no one would be "naturally" asexual. It's strongly correlated with the assumption that heterosexual orientation is "default." There's nothing you can do to prevent people from making faulty assumptions about you in this. If you're up to it, you can point out the assumptions they are making and how they are based on heteronormativity. You don't have to come out, you don't have to explain yourself when you do come out, and I strongly recommend finding one person who believes you whom you can rant to when other people shove their assumptions down your throat. One person who understands makes SUCH a big difference. You're welcome to message me if you'd like to talk about this more.
Unfortunately, there is no way to control how someone else thinks or reacts. Some people will be invalidating no matter what. That said, education can be a good way to counter it. You can try directing them to sites like WhatIsAsexuality.com, or print off the flyers and other material that site offers to share with people. If they understand asexuality is just as valid as heterosexuality, they may be less likely to attribute it to trauma, hormones, etc. Asexuality Archive also has a great series called The Comment Section that goes over common ways people try to "debunk" asexuality and lists of potential responses you can give them. This one addresses the exact scenario you're asking about: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/the-comment-section-im-not-a-doctor-but-i-play-one-on-the-internet/ Some people may still not get it, and that's okay. Your feelings are real and valid no matter what they think, do, or say. Even if someone has experienced extreme trauma, which may or may not impact their sexuality, they're no less asexual. You aren't broken. You don't need to be fixed or treated. You're wonderful just as you are.
You can't control how others may think or feel. All you can do is present it in the way that makes you feel most comfortable. Try to provide them with tools to help understand. They may react poorly only because they aren't sure what you are trying to tell them. Providing resources may help them understand, and overall make the experience more pleasant.
Firstly, there is a great website www.asexual.org that I would refer people to, even read yourself. It clearly states that asexuality doesn't necessarily come from trauma. Asexuality is a newer orientation to be identified so be prepared for assumptions and questions... even homophobia.
It can be quite difficult to make people understand actually. But consider explaining to them that you simply arent interested in sexual relationships and it has nothing to do with any life experience. You can also tell them that you've felt this way for as long as you can remember.
Most people are ignorant about sexual orientations and such, and they may get the unfortunate feeling that something must have happened to you if you come out as asexual. You can easily avoid wrong speculations by providing sources of information to those around you and also explain as clear as possible what asexuality means and how it is absolutely normal and not related to traumas or stuff like that.
I'm ace myself and I understand that can be hard! Try to explain it carefully to the people your coming out to and show them things on the Internet of scientific proof that asexuality is normal and thay a hormonal trauma or anything like that had not happened. I can't give you specific links but I'm sure there are books and websites about it saying scientific proof. (I know for sure there's proof on the web)
Explain yourself after coming out. Most people will ask questions but if they don't then there's no problem with clarifying things if it'll make you feel better. You can start by saying "I've seen a lot of coming out stories online and based on that I know that there are some questions. I'd like to explain myself just so there isn't any misunderstanding."
The best thing you could do is to explain it to them. Just tell them that this is just how you are and nothing happened to make you feel this way.
It may help to think of something ahead of time that you could repeat, a short explanation to try and get that point across. Of course, it may not be fun to repeat the same thing every time someone asks about it, but if it's the people close to you then you can tailor the explanation to them and you really have to just hope they can understand or see past it.
The best way to just say it is that you're asexual, and you were born that way! While you may have identified as something else in the past, it doesn't mean anything has changed with you, just that you realized that you identified as asexual and that it took time to understand it and come to terms with it!
step 1: acceptance. What pleases you or doesn't please you is your business. step 2: Eye for eye. Tell people to mind their business. Step 3: pursue your fantasies. Everything doesn't start and end with sex. And I think you're great! :)
You don't have to explain why you're asexual. Just say you're asexual, but overall it doesn't actually matter if you identify as such. You aren't planning to date them anyways
You could always just tell them. Ask if they have any questions and clear some things up like how youre perfectly fine.
simple if you feel that it is right just do it, you have nothing to prove ,just say that it's who you are and they can't change that or you
If your refusal of sex has a traumatic origin, it is probably something you should take care of with some professional help to support you. Asexuality is simply a sexual orientation that has no specific physical or traumatic origin, people just aren't interested in sex, without a specific "cause", just like the sexual orientation towards one specific gender or more has no specific cause, but is simply something innate. If you feel like something caused your lack of interest in sex, you should probably take care of this "origin" first, to realize if you're really asexual or just psychologically blocked towards sex, and then deal with what you find out.
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