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How do I come out to my parents?

296 Answers
Last Updated: 06/21/2022 at 9:26pm
How do I come out to my parents?
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Lauren Abasheva, LMHC

Licensed Professional Counselor

A sex positive, and kink knowledgeable therapist with an open mindset and a clear understanding that we are all different.

Top Rated Answers
Inspirationalspirit
October 16th, 2020 4:52pm
Unfortunately my mum had died before I could come out but she would have been very supportive of my lifestyle. My father on the other hand didn't understand my choices and didn't speak for 20 yrs but made peace the year he died. He never truly understood where as my grandma was very supportive and she was the one of the worse people I wanted to tell, but all she said as long as your happy that's all tha counts. My sister's said ohh we knew and that was it, it's never easy to come out to your parents as you never know how there going to react just be yourself and love yourself.
caringRainbow3393
November 1st, 2020 7:10pm
Coming out (in my opinion) is one of the scariest and yet most important moments on your individual path. How you tell your parents honestly depends on if you know wether they are supportive or not and how you think they may or may not react. If your parents are openly supportive and you are pretty sure they will fully accept you and be proud of you then just be open and honest with them. Your parents will love you coming out to them because it shows you trust them with one of the most important decisions in your life. Just talk to them and explain where you are coming fro and how you reached that decision and let them know that nothing is going to change and you are still their child but you wanted to be honest and let them know where you are at because you love them. On the other hand if your parents are not supportive or completely against it, I would make sure you are in a good place mentally and you are 100% sure of who you are and where you are going before you tell them. If your parents are openly against the LGBTQ+ community then you need to make sure you are prepared to handle their reaction. Make sure you have everything with yourself figured out before you bring it up. This was the situation when I come out to my parents a few months ago. My parents are very very openly against LGBTQ+ stuff and it scared me to death. One night I just sat my parents down and said, "look, I know the might cause some problems and it will probably be upsetting for you guys to hear what I am about to say. I love you both very much but I am at the place where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am gay. I like girls not guys and I know that is upsetting but I wanted to be honest with you guys because I love you and respect your opinions." Make sure to remind them that you love them and you respect them but that is who you are and you are not changing. Hopefully they take it well but if not just remember your worth and never lose sight of who you are and how amazing you are. Family stuff is always the most complicated and messy at times but it comes down to one genuine and simple fact. If they truly love you they will support you no matter what and if they can not do that then you are better off without them. When I came out to my parents they took my phone, pulled me out work, and grounded me for a month. The only places I was aloud to go was home and church. Its been 5 months of being degraded, told im messing up my life, being asked what's wrong with me, my dad told my mom did not want me under his roof, and honestly it has been months of mental and emotional abuse but they refuse to acknowledge how much they are hurting me so if you are in a similar situation I hear you, I see you, I am here for you! I wish you the best of luck with coming out to your parents because it is a very important and yet terrifying things. Love you all and good luck!
Anonymous
November 7th, 2020 3:31pm
We all face difficulties in life, that's what makes us human. And I am happy that you have decided to come out of your shell and really wanna talk about whatever the problem is with your parents. Is their something that holds you back, doesn't let you speak? Figure that out first. Do you feel like there is a specific time you can talk about it to your parents? Great. Be confident, you can do it for once and all. How do you want to speak whatever it is before your parents, do consider that. Just remember, if you speak it now, maybe something will get off your chest. All the best, I hope it goes well !
Anonymous
January 2nd, 2021 9:37pm
Coming out can either be a fun, exciting experience or a dreadful, traumatizing one, or a mix of both (depending on who you come out to and such). I was forced out of the closet to my mom, and a few months later I decided to “Officially” come out to both of my parents by choice. There isn’t really a certain way to come out, whether it’s by a letter, over the phone, email, etc. But what I think is most important is that you make sure you are ready. Rushing coming out can be stressful and even traumatizing. It is best to come out when you are able to cope with any possible outcomes possible. Now, more on the how, just do whatever feels right. Whether you want to say it fast and rip off the bad-aid, or start with a light conversation before getting to the point. You can do this however you want to. Whether you feel able to express yourself better over text, in person, a letter, etc., it’s your choice on how you come out. I wish you luck and I hope things turn out ok. Us listeners are always here if you need it!
Somedude601
January 7th, 2021 6:47am
This is something that I believe should come down to you and your own personal relationship to your parents. If you believe that they would react poorly to you not being straight, then it may be best that you hold off until you are no longer dependent on them. If however, you think that they would be supportive of your coming out, then the best thing to do is well... to just do it. Whether you want to make some sort of a big deal out of it, or just want to come out with telling them "Mom, dad, I'm gay." is up to you!
Heretosupportxo
January 17th, 2021 12:01am
Coming out to your parents is a very hard process. First of all, you should feel comfortable with yourself. Everything you feel is okay and should be respected, especially by your parents. By coming out , you share your personal feelings with somone and give them the possibility to understand and support you. If you consider taking this strong step, then I would recommend it at a moment where you and your parents both feel good. If you do not want to tell it, you can also write it down (a letter for example). i hope they can love
HestiaMorn
January 30th, 2021 1:34am
Coming out can be a very scary thing to do, especially if you don't know your parents position towards this topic. In my opinion, the solution to this problem varies from person to person according to their situation. If you see yourself in a situation where you are certain/have a feeling that your parents might try to directly harm you in a way it could destroy your life (kicking you out, threatning you, sending you to therapy, disown you, etc...), in my honest opinion, I believe you shouldn't share this part of you in these vulnerable settings. I know it's hard to hide this part of you that you're so proud of, but you have to put your life and your safety first. On the other hand, if you know you have loving and accepting parents, there are a few ways you can choose to do this. Perhaps you could start by admitting how you feel about telling them this (nervous, anxious,...). Transparency is always key, plus they might confort you and make you feel more confident about sharing this to them. And then, just own it! This new part of you probably took some time and confusion to figure out, and you finally deciphered it, so be proud of it! Stop that anxiety quickly by telling them this simply how it is. Another way you could do this - if you don't feel confortable telling them by using your own voice - is writing it somewhere, or doing it in a more creative way. Write what you want them to know on a piece of paper and hand it to them, maybe even write it on a cake! Regardless of whatever method you choose to use, remember that your parents will always love you, accept you and see you as YOU. Happy Coming Out!
joyfulMango7240
February 20th, 2021 12:15am
That can be a very stressful and scary thing to think about but it's okay, I'm cheering for you and I know if they love you they are going to accept you even if they can't understand you initially. Even a negative response may be caused by good intentions, or otherwise, internal fears and conservatism but don't worry because that is overcomable. Acceptance may be immediate an affectionate or more reserved and slowly appearing and that just depends on the person and their mindset. One way or another, you know your parents best and if there is a person who knows how to approach this situation best that's you
SimplyyWaves
February 21st, 2021 6:38pm
Hello! Okay, so first you got over the big step of discovering your sexuality, now comes an equally hard or some may say harder step. Coming out is a very important step in your life, and I would hope that you feel comfortable coming out to your parents in your own time. I know you may feel overwhelmed or even scared, but take your time to find the words okay? There is no rush and no stress. Try to have some techniques to calm you down for the big moment. I hope you're coming out goes really well! I believe in you
Anonymous
April 14th, 2021 3:54pm
When I came out to my parents, it was after a period of carful exploration and observation; I made sure I was positive about what I was about to do, and tried to gauge whether or not my parents would be accepting. Even thought they’re generally okay with LGBT rights / issues, I was still nervous — it might be different when it was me as opposed to a stranger. Coming out is scary, but it’s important to be clear and upfront with your family when you feel you’re ready to be. I told them I had something to tell them, but that I wasn’t in any trouble and that it wasn’t anything negative. I sat them down and told them I am a lesbian, and I assured them nothing about me had actually changed — I was and am the same person, I just know more about myself. I explained that it was important to me they know and that being with other women makes me happy and that their acceptance would also make me happy. I told them I didn’t think it was a phase, and that I was only coming forward after careful consideration, but if it was I’d still want them to support me regardless. To be quite Frank, there’s no real answer to this — though it works for me, you might not be comfortable doing the same, or maybe this isn’t the most effective way to communicate. What’s most important is your continued happiness and safety — do what makes you comfortable when you’re comfortably and not a moment before.
Anonymous
May 12th, 2021 2:55am
Coming out is a very nerve-inducing thing. First, make sure you are in a safe environment. While, coming out is very important, making sure you stay safe is the most important. Once you know you will be safe, or have a safe place to go after you come out to your parents, it would be best to have a calm conversation about it. Some parents may be shocked, and some will take it better than others. It is best to stay calm and explain where you are coming from, and explain you experiences. Overall, make sure you stay safe, and if worse comes to worse, do not take any disrespect from your parents. They may be your parents, but if they tell you at any point they don't respect your identity or try to convince you your not what you say you are, you don't have to listen to them.
NinaBee
July 14th, 2021 8:41pm
Make sure you're safe first! Bring up the concept of LGBTQ+ people, issues, news, or the community and see how your parents respond. If it's not safe, don't come out until you're living alone and financially independent. Now for the fun part: if it IS safe to come out, do so on your own time, without pressure, at a time they'll be open and be able to process it. At the dinner table, or ask to speak with them privately. Not while they're driving or otherwise distracted or upset. Good luck! You've got a whole community of supportive people behind you!
sourpatchsnail
August 15th, 2021 12:36am
Well first I'd hope you're sure that your parents won't treat you poorly or anything horrible like that before anything else. As freeing as coming out can feel, your safety should come before it. Don't rush yourself. You can take your time until you're sure you're ready. There's no pressure to act right now if you aren't sure. Now onto the actual coming out. Depending on how strict/conservative your parents are will most likely change the approach. Thankfully, mine are for the most part chill, so I could get away with mentioning it in passing. And don't be afraid to get creative! I've seen some people come out with rainbow cakes or funny shirts. One friend of mine just gets away with making a rather fruity, off-hand comment. :) Some of my friends, however, didn't get off so easily. They sat their parents down over dinner, and prefaced the conversation with the note that it would be a more serious one. Then, just be honest! How you feel is incredibly important and sharing that part of you feels like such a weight off your shoulders if you can. I wish you the best of luck! Stay safe, I'm rooting for you!
Anonymous
December 22nd, 2021 4:49am
Coming out is a very important and scary thing which the lgbt people have in their lives. Being a gay person, I can relate to the confusion and stress. How you come out to your parents is your decision since you know how your family is but if you think your family might be violent then you should prioritize your safety first. It helps if there will be someone, who you have already come out to, supports during the process. Another thing is it will be good to give your parents some time to process everything since it is new to them and best if you do not overlap it with another issue. Good luck
Anonymous
January 5th, 2022 4:54am
First of all, there's no reason to be embarrassed. You are completely fine as you are. Second of all I would suggest coming out during maybe dinner, or a time around there. It's a good, peaceful time. You can maybe mention relationships, and if it seems like it going well. Then subtly mention that you might think that you are gay, and what they think about it. If you have good, respectful parents. Then they should accept it. Just don't worry, and just know that they are there to support you, and love you. It shouldn't be anything really serious.
HappinessIsAFirefly
January 14th, 2022 5:00am
The best method of coming out is dependent on one's living situation, their parent's views on the LGBT community, and one's comfort level with difficult conversations and conflict. Testing your parents' tolerance level is a good first step. Discussing LGBT-related news or watching shows with LGBT characters with your parents allows you to gage their reactions and attitudes towards the LGBT community and determine if they're likely to be supportive of you or not. If you know or suspect your parents will be supportive, then you have less to worry about. You can have a face-to-face conversation with your parents, perhaps casually while spending time with them, or more formally, asking them to sit down and have a discussion with you. If face-to-face conversation makes you nervous, texting them or leaving them a letter gives them time to process your coming out before face-to-face interaction occurs. Alternately, if coming out is a light-hearted event for you, you can come out to them in any number of creative ways. The sky's the limit! If you suspect your parents will not support you, your coming out will need to be more tactful. Having a plan, such as by packing a bag in advance and determining where you'll stay if they kick you out or become very angry, ensures you won't be caught off guard if something bad happens. Having a collection of educational reading material on LGBT topics for your parents can answer questions they have and help them begin to understand LGBT topics. Beyond this, the previous advice holds. Initiate the conversation in whatever form you're most comfortable (i.e. face-to-face, text, letter, etc.).
RainbowCloud95
January 15th, 2022 11:09pm
Coming out to your parents can be a traumatic and sometimes dangerous experience. You should always make sure that your parents are calm, and happy to listen, and avoid coming out during an argument, because timing can be very important. You should talk calmly and confidently to your parents and show them that you have made your decision, and that they can’t change that. It is also a good idea to have someone you can trust to fall back on if things do go badly. I hope that this can help you out, and that you can safely be who you are.
windchimes1991
January 16th, 2022 1:23am
I don't know your parents. But if they're good parents, they'll love you no matter what you'll come out as. Before you do come out, make sure they're not the type of people to punish you for it by kicking you out of the house. Unfortunately, it is sometimes better to stay in the closet even though it hurts not to be accepted as you really are. If you feel that it's safe to come out, what I think I did was lead up to coming out with conversations on related topics. When I came out as an atheist, I think I was talking to my mom about what I had learned about evolution in school. I think I admitted that I didn't see a need for there to be a God for things to exist as they do. Sometimes, parents will ask you up front if you have a certain identity. When I got my hair cut short and started wearing men's clothes, my mom straight up asked me if I was transgender, and I said yes. You can also just be yourself and let your parents figure out your identity. If they see you dating the same sex, they'll know you're not straight. If you tell them you're going to a certain religious institution, they'll guess you're probably a member of that religion.
NatashaElle
February 5th, 2022 6:29am
If you are unsure whether they are accepting of the LGBTQ+ community, ask them how they feel on the issue. For example, “hey mom, how do you feel about gay marriage being legalized in the US?” Simply tell them. “Mom/Dad, I’m ___.” Tell them that this is who you are, and being LGBTQ+ is not a choice. Remind them that you are still the kid they have raised and loved, but more importantly, tell them that this is part of who you are and who you have always been. Remember regardless of their reaction, you are valid, cared for and respected.
MountainAspen
March 23rd, 2022 1:56pm
I think there is no right or wrong way to come out. Some people come out with a well-timed joke and others prepare for a coming out party for weeks. Some people tell their families immediately and some wait until they have a spouse. I think at the end of the day it is finding what is comfortable and safe for you in the situation. There is no set timeline or checkbox to click when it comes to living authentically as ourselves. Go at your own pace and keep your safety and wellbeing in mind. Understand that parents are only human and even if you find the perfect way to come out, they may still not respond in the way that you hope. That does not necessarily mean that they love you any less, they may have some personal fears or baggage to work through. The good news is that there are all sorts of groups online and in person for parents of LGBTQ+ children to find each other and work through their baggage and many parents find those very helpful. I have known people, myself, who came out to their parents by handing them the information for one of these groups and suggesting their parents attend.
Anonymous
April 1st, 2022 3:56pm
A way to come out to your parents is try t get them to support LGBTQ before you come out! That way when you do, they support you! If they don't support you, then they aren't real parents! It is ok! You can start by telling them love is love and that it doesn't matter to them! No one is hurting them (your parents, family, friends etc.) physically by expressing who they love! They are your parents and show support you and love you in any way no matter who or what you like! Hope that this helps you! Good luck! ❤️
AJneon
May 6th, 2022 4:04pm
Always approach your parents with respect even if they are abusive, making a scene would only worsen it up.. For starters try to make yourself more comfortable and more prominent to them, after that you ask them to have a friendly talk with you and tell them that this is the problem and it's bothering me.. They will most likely cooperate.. In case things are really distant between you and them... You might as well take is super slow and steady, make your presence known in a good way for them to acknowledge and then make your move.. It might take a while but it oughtta work
0OOXOO0z
May 15th, 2022 1:25am
Hey, a pansexual trans guy here. First off, I would like to remind you to always come out when you're ready. Never feel like you have to rush into anything, this is your journey. Secondly, I would like you to think of your situation. Are your parents supportive? If not, then I suggest you to reach out to Lgbtqia+ helplines at https://www.reddit.com/r/bisexual/comments/1of09c/lgbt_helplines/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share or even talk to a councillor. If they're are then you can simply Just say it, Start a conversation about LGBTQIA+ and mention it in the topic. Perhaps if you are not sure how to say it out loud, as I know that may be difficult, I suggest write it down in a letter and give it to them or even text if easier. I hopefully this helps. I wish you all the best!
CharlieNoe357
May 27th, 2022 2:28am
I would find a quiet time where neither of your parents are busy. Say you have something to tell them, just be blunt. They are your parents, they shouldn’t care about your sexuality, but even if they do, I promise you it was worth it to tell them, even if your not happy about it right away. But again, that’s just in case. They shouldn’t care about that. Also, if it’s easier for you, you can tell them separately. Sometimes that can take a bit of stress off of the situation.
bubblyFaith17
June 4th, 2022 5:09pm
Be honest, loving and kind - exactly how you would like to be treated. Remind them that you're still YOU, you're just working on the best you and this will be a process. Be prepared to answer questions and respect their boundaries as you will expect them to respect yours. If they ask questions, remember that it is not personal, they just maybe don't KNOW what to ask, how to ask it or where to find information. There will be a wide range of emotions between all of you, but kindness, love and patience will prevail. I wish you the very very best!
Anonymous
June 21st, 2022 9:26pm
Before you come out to your parents, you should test the waters with something safe like talking about a celebrity who just recently came out. I.E. Talk about Elvira being a lesbian at first. Gauge their reactions. If they're overly negative about it, it's not safe to come out to them. You should also make sure that in the case that coming out DOES go poorly, you have a place to go and plenty of resources to fall back on in case you get disowned, or have certain privileges taken away. Lastly, you should be prepared for them to ask questions, or not fully understand right away, especially if they're not in the know about LGBT issues. Once you've made sure that it's safe to come out, or are sure that you have the resources to fall back on if you are outed, sit them both down while they're calm and in a good mood and tell them honestly. Some people use cake, or artistry, but it's not necessary. A simple statement of "Mom, Dad, I'm (insert sexuality and/or gender identity here)." Another example is to introduce them to your partner, or tell them ahead of time that you're going to be expressing yourself in a different way from now on. I came out to my parents in the worst way after sneaking out with my (now ex) girlfriend, and it really didn't go over well. It led to a big fight, and a lot of drama. Thankfully, they didn't kick me out, but it did put some strain on the relationship that's lasted to this day. I still remember an ex-classmate trying to come out as bi to her mormon parents, only for them to threaten to ground her until she was "straight again." So please keep these experiences in mind.