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How do I come out to my parents?

296 Answers
Last Updated: 06/21/2022 at 9:26pm
How do I come out to my parents?
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Lauren Abasheva, LMHC

Licensed Professional Counselor

A sex positive, and kink knowledgeable therapist with an open mindset and a clear understanding that we are all different.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
July 10th, 2018 1:37pm
Take your time, don't rush into it, and if you feel as if you aren't in a safe environment to come out in, then don't!
Anonymous
July 13th, 2018 5:11pm
First of all, you must make sure you're in a safe and welcoming environment. Also, ensure that they are accepting of the sexuality or gender you are coming out as. Then, it's whatever way feels right. Personally, i wrote a letter because i didn't believe i was going to be able to say it to them face to face but different things work for different people. Good luck!
Rileigh7474
July 21st, 2018 7:58pm
The best way to come out to parents is usually to just tell them, don’t go crazy and do anything weird, just having a sit down conversation with your parents is usually the way to go.
Allears247
July 25th, 2018 11:18am
Just tell them. As hard as it is you'll just have to come out and tell them, Theres no easy way out of this particular situation unfortunately.
RumpleSteeleSkin
July 25th, 2018 11:08pm
Congrats on wanting your parents to know on this. I do know it is very hard and scary thing to do as even parents can be against this. Communication is the best thing, but also writing a letter if you feel you can't share on this the way you want to. Be honest of how you feel on this. Share that you may feel scared of their reaction to this. Also allow some time for them to understand and take this news in. Be open to feedback. Mostly know your parents love you.
Anonymous
July 26th, 2018 6:12am
There's literally no set way you should do this, because every family situation is different. Try gauging how comfortable and safe you would feel if you came out, and if you need to do it when you aren't under your parent's immediate control.
WaterColorWitch
July 28th, 2018 5:36pm
It depends on how your parents feel about what you will share. If you trust them, you should be able to share. I would say start with the parent you trust to handle he news best, and go from there. If you're not sure, perhaps start with another family member you can trust to be understanding, such as an Aunt or a sibling or cousin or grandparent. If you have no options outside your family and fear violence, seek you nearest community online or in your hometown to get advice and build a support network.
LunarLemon8
August 1st, 2018 12:20pm
Take your time. No hesitation. You don't have to come out, and you should do it when you are feeling 100% safe. There are many ways to come out, you should choose a way that fits you the best. :)
SimplyyWaves
February 21st, 2021 6:38pm
Hello! Okay, so first you got over the big step of discovering your sexuality, now comes an equally hard or some may say harder step. Coming out is a very important step in your life, and I would hope that you feel comfortable coming out to your parents in your own time. I know you may feel overwhelmed or even scared, but take your time to find the words okay? There is no rush and no stress. Try to have some techniques to calm you down for the big moment. I hope you're coming out goes really well! I believe in you
Anonymous
June 7th, 2020 10:26am
I think you could bring the topic up a few times before you come out to see where you parents stand with that, and if you feel that they will not support after that you can rethink what to do. After that I think that you could come up with a super fun way to come out, a transgender youtuber made a video on ways subscribers came out and some were quite creative. Overall I think when you do come out to your parents you need to feel comfortable with what is happening. Ok well hope this helps you out!!
Anonymous
June 20th, 2020 6:22am
Maybe I will sit with them and tell them in a silent situation about my identity. I will ask them to try and understand about my situation,I will tell them that I am okay if they are angry or I am ready to hear their opinion about it but I would want them to accept me as I am as that's my identity. I will try every possible way to convince them that how love is a feeling and not a gender. I will tell them how much their acceptence matters to me and I want them to understand how times and situations have changed and how things have changed so maybe they should change their mindset a little and understand me and how much their love and validation matters to me.
Lalamaximus
June 20th, 2020 11:23pm
Everyone is different. You cant just create a box and fit everyone in it. Do whatever makes you feel most comftable. You could just sit down and have a talk, write them a letter, make a short movie, send them a video, or anything else that you feel comftable with. No one can tell you what to do, because you re the only one that knows the whole situation. Dont stress it out to much. You will eventually find a method that works for you. If you need any help my DMs are open. I hope i helped. Have a nice day:)
elizabethunter
July 1st, 2020 9:29pm
Coming out is a big part of your life as a member of LGBTQ+ community. It is also very hard, because you dont know whether your parents will support you. So many people are dealing with this problem. So, if you know someone, talk to them first for some advice. Dont worry. Just try to relax, sit down with them and calmly explain the situation. Dont put too much preassure on them, because this may be a shock for them. But, if they really love you, they will support you no matter what. Everything will turn out fine and just dont worry. Peace.
Anonymous
July 24th, 2020 8:35pm
There are a few ways, but first of all, make sure it is safe to do so. So don't come out if you risk harm to yourself over it, if that makes sense. Then, for actually coming out; you can either talk it out with them or write a letter, among other options. Talking generally requires a safe place and a calm demeanor. Saying something along the lines of "this has been on my mind a lot and I think you would like to know that I am (insert gender/sexuality here). Letter writing just needs to be clear and to the point, little room for interpretation. Best of luck to you! You're loved.
Anonymous
July 26th, 2020 9:24pm
To tell the truth it’s kind of hard and not that easy. I was adopted when I was 5 years old and now I am 15 years old. I never do since I don’t know what to say or what will happen but now I think I am ready. I am doing a big step talking about my adoption which I tend to try and keep out of the public. The steps I am taking for when I want to do the chat is the following. I am planning what to say, I am preparing myself for what they may say since I have had others talks before, I am going to warn them before that anything I don’t want talk about I won’t, I may cry and that I will stop the conversation for any reason. When I do have a conversation and come out to my parents I try to do it somewhere I can trust and take advantage which can be when I am in the car driving since they can’t get mad or I could crash.
Anonymous
September 2nd, 2020 11:31pm
Well. I'm gonna be honest and try to go directly to the point. It mainly depends in how you feel comfortable and before doing anything you should think before about their reaction. I don't want to be negative and I hope this is not your case but many conservative parents are not that accepting. But if your parents are little teddy bears, probably try to find something that identifies you (if you want to make a big come out obviously), that could be like a cake, a painting etc etc etc. If you don't wanna do something big, memes work.
Anonymous
October 7th, 2020 2:19pm
The first thing is maybe trying to communicate and let them understand the way it makes you feel when trying to explain this. It might be the best to be transparent about your thoughts and feelings. Although, make sure that you don't let them rule your life and try to make your own choices. Their reaction should not effect you massively because they got to accept you like this one way or another. You know your parents more than anyone and so you know the best way to talk to them. I hope it goes well and everything will be fine.
Anonymous
October 10th, 2020 10:18am
if they are homophobic, don't. if they aren't just go and tell them who you really are, if they ain't homophobic i'm sure they'll have no problem accepting you however if they are homophobic, please don't. you know your parents the best and you might know how they would react, if you think they would take some serious action like abusing you either verbally or physically or some other things like disowning you, please don't open up. you don't need to, do it when you are self dependent cause why would you take such a risk? you don't see straight people coming out do you? exactly, you don't need to either. my point is if they are accepting, please do and if they aren't don't.
Inspirationalspirit
October 16th, 2020 4:52pm
Unfortunately my mum had died before I could come out but she would have been very supportive of my lifestyle. My father on the other hand didn't understand my choices and didn't speak for 20 yrs but made peace the year he died. He never truly understood where as my grandma was very supportive and she was the one of the worse people I wanted to tell, but all she said as long as your happy that's all tha counts. My sister's said ohh we knew and that was it, it's never easy to come out to your parents as you never know how there going to react just be yourself and love yourself.
caringRainbow3393
November 1st, 2020 7:10pm
Coming out (in my opinion) is one of the scariest and yet most important moments on your individual path. How you tell your parents honestly depends on if you know wether they are supportive or not and how you think they may or may not react. If your parents are openly supportive and you are pretty sure they will fully accept you and be proud of you then just be open and honest with them. Your parents will love you coming out to them because it shows you trust them with one of the most important decisions in your life. Just talk to them and explain where you are coming fro and how you reached that decision and let them know that nothing is going to change and you are still their child but you wanted to be honest and let them know where you are at because you love them. On the other hand if your parents are not supportive or completely against it, I would make sure you are in a good place mentally and you are 100% sure of who you are and where you are going before you tell them. If your parents are openly against the LGBTQ+ community then you need to make sure you are prepared to handle their reaction. Make sure you have everything with yourself figured out before you bring it up. This was the situation when I come out to my parents a few months ago. My parents are very very openly against LGBTQ+ stuff and it scared me to death. One night I just sat my parents down and said, "look, I know the might cause some problems and it will probably be upsetting for you guys to hear what I am about to say. I love you both very much but I am at the place where I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am gay. I like girls not guys and I know that is upsetting but I wanted to be honest with you guys because I love you and respect your opinions." Make sure to remind them that you love them and you respect them but that is who you are and you are not changing. Hopefully they take it well but if not just remember your worth and never lose sight of who you are and how amazing you are. Family stuff is always the most complicated and messy at times but it comes down to one genuine and simple fact. If they truly love you they will support you no matter what and if they can not do that then you are better off without them. When I came out to my parents they took my phone, pulled me out work, and grounded me for a month. The only places I was aloud to go was home and church. Its been 5 months of being degraded, told im messing up my life, being asked what's wrong with me, my dad told my mom did not want me under his roof, and honestly it has been months of mental and emotional abuse but they refuse to acknowledge how much they are hurting me so if you are in a similar situation I hear you, I see you, I am here for you! I wish you the best of luck with coming out to your parents because it is a very important and yet terrifying things. Love you all and good luck!
Anonymous
November 7th, 2020 3:31pm
We all face difficulties in life, that's what makes us human. And I am happy that you have decided to come out of your shell and really wanna talk about whatever the problem is with your parents. Is their something that holds you back, doesn't let you speak? Figure that out first. Do you feel like there is a specific time you can talk about it to your parents? Great. Be confident, you can do it for once and all. How do you want to speak whatever it is before your parents, do consider that. Just remember, if you speak it now, maybe something will get off your chest. All the best, I hope it goes well !
Anonymous
January 2nd, 2021 9:37pm
Coming out can either be a fun, exciting experience or a dreadful, traumatizing one, or a mix of both (depending on who you come out to and such). I was forced out of the closet to my mom, and a few months later I decided to “Officially” come out to both of my parents by choice. There isn’t really a certain way to come out, whether it’s by a letter, over the phone, email, etc. But what I think is most important is that you make sure you are ready. Rushing coming out can be stressful and even traumatizing. It is best to come out when you are able to cope with any possible outcomes possible. Now, more on the how, just do whatever feels right. Whether you want to say it fast and rip off the bad-aid, or start with a light conversation before getting to the point. You can do this however you want to. Whether you feel able to express yourself better over text, in person, a letter, etc., it’s your choice on how you come out. I wish you luck and I hope things turn out ok. Us listeners are always here if you need it!
Somedude601
January 7th, 2021 6:47am
This is something that I believe should come down to you and your own personal relationship to your parents. If you believe that they would react poorly to you not being straight, then it may be best that you hold off until you are no longer dependent on them. If however, you think that they would be supportive of your coming out, then the best thing to do is well... to just do it. Whether you want to make some sort of a big deal out of it, or just want to come out with telling them "Mom, dad, I'm gay." is up to you!
Heretosupportxo
January 17th, 2021 12:01am
Coming out to your parents is a very hard process. First of all, you should feel comfortable with yourself. Everything you feel is okay and should be respected, especially by your parents. By coming out , you share your personal feelings with somone and give them the possibility to understand and support you. If you consider taking this strong step, then I would recommend it at a moment where you and your parents both feel good. If you do not want to tell it, you can also write it down (a letter for example). i hope they can love
HestiaMorn
January 30th, 2021 1:34am
Coming out can be a very scary thing to do, especially if you don't know your parents position towards this topic. In my opinion, the solution to this problem varies from person to person according to their situation. If you see yourself in a situation where you are certain/have a feeling that your parents might try to directly harm you in a way it could destroy your life (kicking you out, threatning you, sending you to therapy, disown you, etc...), in my honest opinion, I believe you shouldn't share this part of you in these vulnerable settings. I know it's hard to hide this part of you that you're so proud of, but you have to put your life and your safety first. On the other hand, if you know you have loving and accepting parents, there are a few ways you can choose to do this. Perhaps you could start by admitting how you feel about telling them this (nervous, anxious,...). Transparency is always key, plus they might confort you and make you feel more confident about sharing this to them. And then, just own it! This new part of you probably took some time and confusion to figure out, and you finally deciphered it, so be proud of it! Stop that anxiety quickly by telling them this simply how it is. Another way you could do this - if you don't feel confortable telling them by using your own voice - is writing it somewhere, or doing it in a more creative way. Write what you want them to know on a piece of paper and hand it to them, maybe even write it on a cake! Regardless of whatever method you choose to use, remember that your parents will always love you, accept you and see you as YOU. Happy Coming Out!
joyfulMango7240
February 20th, 2021 12:15am
That can be a very stressful and scary thing to think about but it's okay, I'm cheering for you and I know if they love you they are going to accept you even if they can't understand you initially. Even a negative response may be caused by good intentions, or otherwise, internal fears and conservatism but don't worry because that is overcomable. Acceptance may be immediate an affectionate or more reserved and slowly appearing and that just depends on the person and their mindset. One way or another, you know your parents best and if there is a person who knows how to approach this situation best that's you
NatashaElle
February 5th, 2022 6:29am
If you are unsure whether they are accepting of the LGBTQ+ community, ask them how they feel on the issue. For example, “hey mom, how do you feel about gay marriage being legalized in the US?” Simply tell them. “Mom/Dad, I’m ___.” Tell them that this is who you are, and being LGBTQ+ is not a choice. Remind them that you are still the kid they have raised and loved, but more importantly, tell them that this is part of who you are and who you have always been. Remember regardless of their reaction, you are valid, cared for and respected.
Anonymous
April 1st, 2022 3:56pm
A way to come out to your parents is try t get them to support LGBTQ before you come out! That way when you do, they support you! If they don't support you, then they aren't real parents! It is ok! You can start by telling them love is love and that it doesn't matter to them! No one is hurting them (your parents, family, friends etc.) physically by expressing who they love! They are your parents and show support you and love you in any way no matter who or what you like! Hope that this helps you! Good luck! ❤️
MountainAspen
March 23rd, 2022 1:56pm
I think there is no right or wrong way to come out. Some people come out with a well-timed joke and others prepare for a coming out party for weeks. Some people tell their families immediately and some wait until they have a spouse. I think at the end of the day it is finding what is comfortable and safe for you in the situation. There is no set timeline or checkbox to click when it comes to living authentically as ourselves. Go at your own pace and keep your safety and wellbeing in mind. Understand that parents are only human and even if you find the perfect way to come out, they may still not respond in the way that you hope. That does not necessarily mean that they love you any less, they may have some personal fears or baggage to work through. The good news is that there are all sorts of groups online and in person for parents of LGBTQ+ children to find each other and work through their baggage and many parents find those very helpful. I have known people, myself, who came out to their parents by handing them the information for one of these groups and suggesting their parents attend.
AJneon
May 6th, 2022 4:04pm
Always approach your parents with respect even if they are abusive, making a scene would only worsen it up.. For starters try to make yourself more comfortable and more prominent to them, after that you ask them to have a friendly talk with you and tell them that this is the problem and it's bothering me.. They will most likely cooperate.. In case things are really distant between you and them... You might as well take is super slow and steady, make your presence known in a good way for them to acknowledge and then make your move.. It might take a while but it oughtta work