How do I tell my boyfriend that I'm transgender?
Last Updated: 12/30/2020 at 8:11pm
Melissa Hudson, MS Ed, PhD(c), LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
I work with clients of diverse backgrounds on a multitude of concerns. My approach is, at times, directive, yet always curious, nonjudgmental, collaborative, and validating.
Top Rated Answers
Slowly broach the subject of it with him. Bring up hypothetical or other examples of maybe friends of yours being transgender, and see his reaction, or try to get his opinions on transgender people without raising suspicion. If you feel he is the type to respond amicably, I suggest going ahead!
That's not an easy question. If you are very close with your bf (which I suppose you are) he probably accepts you as you are. You have to tell him that you're trans in a moment where you feel secure - and you know best when that time is
You two should sit in a peaceful place, where there's no cellphones on, or anything. It might be hard, but tell them you feel like this and why you feel like this. Justifying what you feel like might help a lot for the other to understand what you're going through. They might not understand at first, so help them with facts of being a transgender and most importantly, give them time to think about it and digest what you've just told them. If they need it, give them space as well. They will understand.
I would not tell him all at once. Maybe give hints throughout your times together. But do not keep this information away from your boyfriend for a long time. They might think that you do not trust them.
An idea could be to slowly bridge the topic of transgender people and attempt to gauge his reaction on it. If he looks to be responding positively then it's best to tell him in an environment you would feel most comfortable in also.
You should start by telling him you have something important to tell him and advising him to seat down. If he likes you for who you are, he will accept and support you.
Tell them about how you trust them to share this very personal subject matter and that you are worried about their reaction. Explain that it's nothing bad, but that you want to be honest and true to yourself. After saying the two words, "I'm transgender". Explain what that means for you and ask how they feel. Listen. Communication is key.
That is a difficult question and really depends on the type of relationship you have together. If you see a future with him, then you owe it to yourself to open up fully and approach the subject with him. Similarly, if you want to transition, you need to tell him. If he chose to leave, it is better that it happens sooner rather than mid transition when your body and mind is drastically changing. However, having said this, if this boyfriend isn't extremely serious, you don't see it progressing AND you wouldn't transition for the time being, why risk something short term that you're enjoying in the now. Overall, telling him would be the best course of action. Yet, if you are not ready then it's not the right time. You need to be confident and in love with yourself before opening up about something so significant and important.
Sit him down and explain how you feel. Be open and honest about it. Understand that it may change the relationship and he may need time to process.
First, I suggest you ask him of his thoughts about transgender people as not everyone is capable of accepting them.
Make sure the time is right. Don't tell your boyfriend when he seems in a bad mood, or the time isn't right. Wait for the most appropriate time and explain in a calm, confident voice that you're trans.
You tell him alone in his house or somewhere in which he doesn't feel obligated to talk to you. This enables him to walk away if he needs to so that he has time to think. Don't ask him for acceptance or try to antagonize him if he doesn't support you. Let him know that you love him and you understand if he's put off by you, but that you hope nothing can change. Tell him that if things do have to change, you hope that the two of you can remain good friends.
I would sit him down, maybe hold his hand and take a deep breath. Start off by saying that you need to tell him something. Let him ask some questions and then just go for it :) I believe in you!
I think that there isn't any 'safe' or 'easy' way to do it. In fact, you might just have to come out and say it. I'm sure he'll love you for you. Good Luck!
Make sure that you are totally ready and comfortable to tell him. Just take it slow, feel the overall setting of the situation, pick the right time, let him ask questions or see how he feels, but all in all I can't tell you how to do it. I am confident you will know how when you're ready
It’s best too sit him down and speak from the heart about who you are. Although I recommend telling someone before initiating a relationship.
What is the best case scenario? What is the worst case scenario? Remind yourself that you don't know what his reaction will be. It can be really good or it can be bad. Understand that he will have a lot of questions: What does it mean for your relationship? .... It can also be a great idea to know his stand on transgenders. If he expressed violent thoughts/ behavior on the lgbtq+ community then it might be a good idea to ask a friend to be present when you tell him.
consider the timing and calm place. start talking sincerely about how much he matters to you and slowly go to the topic. give him a moment. allow him to express his feelings and listen carefully. have a contingency plan in place for where you will go if there is a chance they will disown you.
My best advice: Make sure not to do it before you are ready. Before you tell him, make sure you yourself are on stable ground enough with yourself and have a solid support system. He may be 1000% fine with it or he may not be. In any event he may need your help to understand things conceptually and if you aren't ready to emotionally it will make it harder to explain and tell your boyfriend. Some people will get angry that you didn't trust them by telling them sooner others won't. If by chance that does happen just make sure to try and explain that you didn't go to him sooner because you had to be able to understand it all for yourself first and that any fear you might have had going to him was there because of how much he means and is important to you, not because you don't respect him.
There is no right or wrong answer to that : your way will be the right way :) The most important thing is to feel safe when doing it. If you fear he'll have a violent reaction, rather physically or emotionally, then maybe there are some things that would help you feel secured (like having a friend present nearby, telling him in a public place, by a letter, phone etc...). Let's not forget that the Coming-out isn't a "have to". Some people don't do it at all, and that's your right to do as you feel best. Some people like better to tell their partner they're trans on early stages of the relationship, others would rather wait until intimate moments, or when their partner express romantic feelings... It's generally easier when, as trans people, we present things casually, without making it a big deal : if we show confidence, it'll help make the other one confident that it's ok, not a big deal, not an issue etc. If we act as it's shameful, bad, sad, a disease, an abnormality and so on, people will tend to see it like that too. :/ Just see what's important for you, what you want to tell and why (what need of yours will be satisfied by telling it : is it to be respected in your gender ? Or because you want to be assured you can trust your partner, because you want to share with him that aspect of your life and your being ? etc.).
Gender is an ocean. Stereotypes are like the east and west coasts of an ocean, but really its more complicated than that. We are all fish who swim in the ocean of gender. Everyone has a mix of male and female, and some people feel more male or more female. Some people choose to swim closer to one coast than the other, and that might not be the coast they were born on.
Well in these kinds of conversations, having good communication often helps. For me, I'd prefer even writing it in a letter to better express myself
It's best to have a sit down chat and work your way up to that topic. If he is someone you want in your life, he should understand. Much love and good luck :)
It is important to remember that your identity is valid no matter his response, but the best way to tell him is to sit down and have an honest, open conversation where you can both share your feelings on the matter, as opposed to making rash decisions based on miscommunication. I hope I could help!
Have a heart to heart. He is your boyfriend after all and should be understanding. Tell him that it doesn't change how you feel towards him, but you trust him enough to let him know
Just find a quite (I don't know how to say this in English sorry) minute and sit down with him. Tell him you need to talk with him and explain your situation and your feeling to him. He might react very good, he might be a little bit confused but I'm sure he'll support you anyways!
Sit him down and say I'm not happy with myself who I am everyone sees me as (insert gender) but that's not who I want to be I'm trans I haven't been comfortable as this gender it isn't me I'm (insert new gender) and I'm happy to answer all your questions but just know this is me my choice my gender
I would start off with a slow, easing way into it. If you come out to yourself first, that always helps. BEFORE you start a relationship, if you know you are transgender you should always tell them that. Just like you would tell them about some kind of personal trauma where you don't want the doing a certain thing; you should mention that you're transgender. If you are already in a relationship by the time that you come out to yourself, you should always analyze to see if it is safe for you to come out to him/her. Then, if it is safe, you ease your way into it. Start conversations like "What would you do if I was a boy/girl" or "How would you react if I was transgender?" or try to find news articles about transgendered topics and start conversations about it. In the end, there really should be no fear. Gender should not be a dividing factor between two people in love. If your boy/girlfriend truly does love you for who you are, they won't care for something as small as your gender.
This is a tough one but one that must be handled nonetheless. If telling him that you are transgender results in a breakup then it would have ended soon anyways. Not telling someone that you are in a relationship with that you are transgender is not fair to either party. Having the boyfriend find out by accident or from friends is never good and could end up very bad if tempers flair. There is no excuse for violence but it is a real possibility. The easiest answer is get out ahead of this, get all the cards on the table and deal with whatever the outcome may be.
Well, there's no need to be afraid because when a human being loves you, it's because of your personality and not your face. But I definitely understand if peoples feel insecure about it. So, if I were to be a transgender, I would want to make sure that my boyfriend is open towards the LGBTQ+ community. If not, then I'd introduce him to it and slowly get him interested and lets him accept it in a whole. After that, I would slowly reveal myself to him by telling him about my past and that I'm not born into the world like that. But if I were to be safer, I would've told him the moment he confessed to me that he likes me just to prevent any conflicts.
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