I don’t know if I’m bi or not, but I’m SENSUALLY attracted to someone of the same gender. What do I do?
Last Updated: 10/19/2020 at 4:54pm
Melissa Hudson, MS Ed, PhD(c), LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
I work with clients of diverse backgrounds on a multitude of concerns. My approach is, at times, directive, yet always curious, nonjudgmental, collaborative, and validating.
Top Rated Answers
If you attracted to someone, you can go for it! I know it can be confusing, but there's no reason to deny yourself a chance to be happy. Sometimes all we need to do is follow our heart, and think about labels later - or never at all, if they bring more confusion than comfort. And sometimes, experimenting also helps figuring out one's identity. So if you are attracted to someone, you can try to get closer to them and see if they could be interested in having that sort of engagement with you. Whatever their gender is!
My first piece of advice: don't put too much pressure on yourself to decide on your label! Sexuality and sexual orientation is complicated and fluid. Explore your options in a way that is safe for you—I don't know your environment or circumstances—and at a rate you feel comfortable with. That might involve just chatting with other people in the LGBTQ+ community, especially if you can find and reach out to other people who might be bi or questioning. It helps to know you're not alone and hear other people's experiences. You might decide you want to try opening up your dating pool, or you might decide you're not ready to get that exploratory yet. There's no wrong way to approach your identity, though many people may try to tell you there's only one right way. (Hint: those people, however well-meaning, are wrong.)
My default response to something like this is, do you actually need to do anything at all? Having feelings for someone doesn't require any activity unless you *want* to act on those feelings. Sometimes we can feel very compelled towards our friends and it can become confused with romantic feelings. This is, in effect, a crush... There's no need to act on it, to "come out" a different sexuality, or anything else. That is, unless you want to. I'd suggest that you wait it out, consider how your feelings evolve, and then decide if it's one of life's random crushes or if you really are looking at an orientation change. If you decide to act on those feelings, know that they are completely normal and that the best thing you can do is act with respect, for both the object of your affection and yourself. If you don't want to act on it, that's perfectly fine too.
Labels are for you to decide what fits best for you :) You can be attracted to someone of the same gender and not necessarily be same-gender attracted generally apart from this crush. You're allowed to change labels- nothing is set in stone, so if you feel comfortable identifying as bi, then you are- if you aren't comfortable with bi as a label then you don't have to use it. You're the only person who gets to decide what or who you are. As for the attraction for this person, consider analysing what is it about them that attracts you in order to understand it and therefore you better :)
This is a completely normal feeling to go through. Exploring your feelings is a great way to figure out who you are as a person. I went through a similar scenario at a young age and was confused about my feelings. I allowed myself to just spend more time with her and realized she made me happier than anyone else. It may take time, but sexuality is a spectrum and it's okay to not know how you identify. Life is not a box that you have to be categorized in. You are the only person who knows yourself best.
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