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I've just come to terms with being transgender. How do I come out to my girlfriend of many years?

122 Answers
Last Updated: 11/08/2020 at 11:11pm
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Top Rated Answers
Sammyboi5
September 27th, 2018 4:06pm
I personally am a Trangender listener on here. It is never easy to come out to anyone! This I know from coming out to my partner. But just try to explain to them calmly and as best as you can! Best of luck! Feel free message anytime! This sounds like a very stressful situation. But just take it day by day. The worst she can say is "I don't like that." And even then some are just stuck in their ways and/or beliefs. It can't be helped. Best of luck dear. Like I said if you need me, by all means pm me!
JDestinyDay
October 5th, 2018 4:03am
When I came out as pansexual, I actually used a pun/joke to come out and be more comfortable with myself and my parents about the whole idea. Using a joke also majorly helped alleviate some of the tension of the whole thing. Do something that makes you feel the most comfortable with the situation, and doesn’t put extra stress on your girlfriend. It can be a really rough time if your chosen family feels overly pressured to understand right away, and it might take time for her to come to terms with it, just as it did for you. That can also be very worrisome to sit through, as we typically expect our loved ones to be supportive of us immediately. Make sure you know you will be completely safe before you come out. ❤️ Good luck! I support you with my whole heart!
Anonymous
October 6th, 2018 7:58pm
You need to tell her that you'll always love her. Just because you have figured out who you really are doesn't mean that you don't wish to be with her anymore. Having someone to come out to, someone that you can trust, is an absolute blessing. If she truly loves you and sees a future with you she will see a future with whichever version of you that you need to be to be happy. The fear is your biggest issue right now, fear of change and fear of letting people know. Sit her down and be open and honest with her. Peoples reactions can actually surprise you. She may say she knew it all along but didn't want to push, pry or poke you into realizing how unhappy you were.
Sydney1027
October 24th, 2018 8:24pm
You know you, you are you. If this is who you are, there’s no changing it. If your girlfriend loves you for you, she won’t care if you’re transgender or not. Tell her in a calm manner, express your concern. If she ultimately doesn’t understand and/or won’t accept it, she doesn’t deserve you. You deserve to be loved and cherished for who you are. There’s nothing different between cisgenders and transgenders, we’re one in the same. The only difference is how open minded we are. Your girlfriend will love you no matter what, and I know it. Because she wouldn’t be with you for years if she didn’t love you.
delicatdreamer16
November 10th, 2018 9:32pm
Coming to terms with being transgender is rarely easy and coming out can be super hard. To start, try and figure out what you girlfriend understands about being transgender. Has she never heard of it before? Does she know everything about? The less she knows, the more you will have to try to educate so that she understands what you are saying to her. When I came out to my parents they didn't understand anything about nonbinary, but I didn't think about that and it went badly just because they didn't understand and I wasn't prepared to help them understand. Explaining to your girlfriend that this doesn't change who you are you are still the person they fell in love with and that you still love them, you have just grown into yourself fully is a good thing to mention. Address her fears, her first thoughts are going to be negative, even if she is the most supporting person on the planet. In her head, this is a big change, and while you've had time to come to terms, shes having to understand everything right in front of you. Give her time to think, pauses in conversations are okay! Answer her questions, and if she isn't asking them, let her know that you are there to answer them!
sereneButton74
November 15th, 2018 1:06am
Sit her down and talk to her, if she really loves you she’ll stand by you
QuiksilveReef
January 27th, 2019 3:49pm
I was in the same position. Be honest with yourself 1st and then be honest with her about how you have feeling. Coming tonrerms about how you are ia not an easy ride for you and certainly not for her as she may feel betrayed. Talking is the beatvpolicy but be ready for questions that you may not yet have answers for. Try and re assure her that its not her thats made you feel this way kts tje way you have felt and feel that she is the only person you can trust to tell. Give her time to digest what you have said. Good luck.
Anonymous
April 12th, 2019 10:13am
Be honest with her and give her time to understand. You took time to understand your self , give the same privilege to her as well. Think of the love and understanding for all those years that will all come in play. So be honest give her the information she needs to understand. Nothing comes easy but if you are willing to work for it then you can do anything. I am proud of the fact that you are finally able to be who you truly are. Be you and be awesome. You can and you will do this. :)
rxgdxll
May 2nd, 2019 4:48am
One of the best ways to tell her, is to sit down with her, if able to if not try find a time where both of you aren’t busy and simply tell her. Tell her how you feel about being trans. How you felt before coming to terms with it and how you feel after doing so. Help her understand as it goes along. If she has any questions, do your best to answer them so she understands what it’s like and how you are feeling, it’s better to answer lots of questions than to leave her in the dark
ariamelody
September 5th, 2019 11:59pm
Of course, I don't know every detail of your situation, but because she's been your girlfriend of many years, I think that she probably will accept you. I don't know if she's transphobic, but if she loves you, I don't believe that this one thing will make her hate you. It may make her see you differently, yes, and worst case, she might break up with you, but it's better than pretending to be someone else. If I had to come out as trans to my boyfriend, I'd start by telling him how much I cared about him. They need to understand that your revelation does not mean you don't like them or feel differently about them, just that you've finally found yourself.
Orion44
October 9th, 2019 3:10am
First off, as difficult as it may be, you should try to accept that your girlfriend may not be attracted to other women (or men - whether you are male-to-female or female-to-male). After you have come to terms with this, try to sit down with her and explain what Gender Dysphoria is, and how it is affecting you. Explain then that to treat this condition, it is in your best interest to transition to the opposite gender to relieve your Dysphoria and find happiness. Whether the relationship works or not, you two should have each other's best interests at heart and respect each other's decisions: Your decision to transition, and her decision on what she thinks is best for the relationship.
Anonymous
October 13th, 2019 2:58am
Be honest, patient, and empathetic, but remember that being yourself is the most important thing. She has the right to choose to end the relationship if it conflicts with her sexuality. You have the right to be your truest self and be with someone who loves who that is. Neither of you owe each other what costs your identity. Have grace and love yourself, but prepare your heart for hardship. Don't take things personally, especially at first. It can be hard for people to hear you've been hiding such inner conflict or that their preconceptions of you are false. Being trans is rough, but being yourself is the most fulfilling thing in the world. Tactful honesty and patience can help ease everyone in your life into a comfortable position, be it friends, family, or partners.
Anonymous
October 17th, 2019 6:29pm
That's tough. I'm on the opposite side -- my significant other of 15+ years just came out to me. It was a bit of a shock, and sadly, I did not take the news well at first. I am still processing this as we work on figuring out how our relationship may change going forward. You know your girlfriend best. Is she supportive of the lgbtq+ community? Would she be open to being with someone of your (newly discovered) gender? Those are questions you might want to think about. You say you just came to terms with this yourself. Perhaps give yourself a little more time to be comfortable in your new found self before coming out. Maybe drop some hints.... Look into resources for trans people. Check out the /asktransgender or /ask_transgender subreddit on reddit.com. You don't need to rush things. Tell her when it feels like the right time to tell her. I hope that your girlfriend takes the news well and supports you. I suggest the /mypartneristrans subreddit for her. While you should hope for the best, keep in mind that she may not be accepting at all, or she may no longer be attracted to you (you can't force her to change her sexual orientation if she isn't attracted to your gender). I'm sorry if I didn't really answer your question. I wish you the best of luck.
Anonymous
November 1st, 2019 9:36pm
Maybe bring up LGBT+ issues to see how she reacts. Everyone says to do that, but it really lets you see the person's position on LGBT+ rights. If she seems to support us, then sit her down. Talk about how much you love her, then tell her your gender identity, pronouns, preferred name. But take it slow, because if you've known a person for a long time, this is a huge change for them. If she asks you questions about it, be prepared for answers. Also, it depends on her sexuality. Sometimes lovers stay together even if one comes out as trans* during the relationship regardless of gender. These tips are really for coming out in general, too.
averpark
December 17th, 2019 7:06pm
I would say sit her down after telling her you have something important to talk about. You can practice what you will say before hand too! Make sure when you talk to her, you tell her how much this means to you. Be aware that she may or may not accept that you are trans. If you want to, asking her view of LGBTQ+ could be helpful on how to tell her. Try to mentally prepare, notice her preferences too. If she doesn't happen to be bisexual, don't press staying in a relationship. If you want to you can tell her you would like to stay friends. Good luck you can do it!!
Anonymous
February 1st, 2020 8:17pm
First, I would approach them by asking how she feels about transgender people. If she feels negatively toward them to any degree, or refuses to date someone who is transgender, I would highly suggest getting out of the relationship quickly and with as little conflict as you can manage for your own sake. If the reaction and opinion is positive, ask her how she would feel dating a transgender person! This approaches the issue slowly and may start to give her an inkling as to what may be going on. Make sure you are somewhere safe, or with someone who is supportive of you when you approach her about it. I believe that its better to have support and safety when you come out to people you are unsure about how to approach just as a safety net in case things don't go smoothly.
AngelinaThompkins
March 4th, 2020 8:33pm
Just tell her what you are feeling. Do not beat about the bush, or hide it with fancy words, or even avoid it completely. Just tell her how you are feeling, and if she a good, kind, understanding woman then she will understand. Do not think for one second that this reflects badly on you, as there is absolutely nothing wrong with being yourself and taking your own path. I can't say exactly that I've ever been in this exact predicament but I do understand; being honest can be hard, but don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. I hope this helped :)
NaborisTheDivine
March 19th, 2020 4:29pm
I can tell that you must be nervous and you have every right to be. Coming out to someone who has known you as the gender you were assigned at birth for such a long time is absolutely nerve-wracking and that is 100% understandable. But your girlfriend has been with you for many years, as you said. To be with you for that long means she really loves being with you. And remember, you've been trans the entire time you two have been together. The only difference now is you have come to terms with it. When you tell her, the only change that's happening is she will know too. It's not like you're suddenly waltzing up to her as a different gender. Transgender doesn't work like that. It's always been there, and if she can't accept that, then her actions are her actions and nothing will be your fault. A good relationship is built on a foundation of trust and you need to trust that she will understand and her love doesn't change. I wish you the best of luck, my friend.
Anonymous
March 28th, 2020 10:33am
There is no 'right' way to go about coming out to your girlfriend. I think that you know your girlfriend best, so it could be a good idea to think about how she's handled news in the past. It could be worthwhile thinking about how she feels about the trans community. Is she generally a supportive ally? Would she be open to you showing her some resources, groups or events that are relevant to the trans community? There are also online talks about how people can support members of the transgender community. If she is willing to do so, you could watch them and discuss them together. It can also be easier to come out in a letter rather than telling someone face-to-face. If you feel comfortable having a conversation with your girlfriend, you could practice the conversation in a mirror first. Something that you could say is that being transgender doesn't change your personality and that you are still the same person that she knows.
Anonymous
March 28th, 2020 3:15pm
Get her alone, and it's better not to prepare a whole presentation. Sit her down and tell her about it, explaining what it means. Be calm, and if she freaks out then give her time to cool down. Just be straightforward and honest about it, let her know why you are making the decision, and what being transgender feels like to you. If she doesn't understand what it is fully, then explain it to. Don't go overboard with a power point or something, just let her know how you're feeling, and don't just throw it at her, say it calmly and slowly, let her understand. But don't go around the point, go right to it.
CourageousHeart1602
April 10th, 2020 7:54pm
This could be considered naivety but when you have known someone for so long, you tend to pickup on the little things done by the person, their thoughts and feelings and habits. You might have expressed you were questioning your identity to her before or maybe you hadn't. But usually people do pick up that something is up and who knows you telling her that you are trans would not come as a surprise or maybe it will. There is no wrong or right way of coming out to a loved one. You come out when you're ready, in your own terms and not because you're pressured. All that matters is that you are comfortable with yourself and who you are. I have faith in you. I wish you good luck! I hope that her love and support only grows because coming out to someone takes a lot of strength and you are truly strong, my friend.
BrokenButBueatiful
April 17th, 2020 7:09pm
First, only tell her if it is safe. Thats always the first piorty. Then, it can go something like this : after you sit her down Honey. I have something to tell you. I have been wanting to tell you for a while, but I wanted to wait until I was sure, and until I got it completely figured out for myself. The time has come, and I'm afriad. I'm afraid because you could be sad, angry, disappointed or even disgusted. And I love you so much, and I dont want to change things. But I need to start living as myself, for me and for you. So. I am transgender. How do you feel about that?
missbake
April 18th, 2020 5:09pm
You are already done with the hardest part, I hope you celebrated that :) coming to terms with something that gives you trouble is no easy task and can be quite challenging. Just be yourself, you know your girlfriend best and how to approach her in delicate situations. Did you ever deliver big news like this where you weren't sure how she would react? You can also think of how you would like to receive such news yourself. How would you like the other person to approach? That might help you on the delivery as well. All the best luck in the world to you! :)
Anonymous
May 17th, 2020 8:37pm
Wanting to come out takes a lot of courage and I admire that you've chosen to tell her. When I came out to my parents I simply told them how I felt, I think it might also help her relate if you tell her how it makes you feel in general, maybe that you feel alone with it if you haven't told anyone else yet or that you're afraid of what might await you. Sometimes it can take a bit of time for others to understand but if they care about you and you about them then you will be able to communicate in productive ways about it. I wish you good luck, with coming out and your journey! One thing that might help too is including her in what you plan as further steps and making sure she's up to date. :)
martigum23
June 25th, 2020 9:41am
you can start by telling her that for a while you have noticed that you are starting to feel different, both inside and out, that you are discovering new sensations and that since you trust her and you know she loves you for what you are inside and not for the external aspect you are sure that it will accept you in any version of you. Or at least it should. Tell her that she is free to choose and take some time to think, remind her of the beautiful moments and tell her that you love her. It'll be fine.
enjoyiableJoy1553
June 28th, 2020 2:34am
Being honest is something everyone seems to be afraid of, but just think about how much better you are going to feel. Love is unconditional if she loves you unconditional, should have no worries. It was hard for someone close to me who went threw a similar situtation. She didn't like it and it didn't feel right to her but they loved each other so much and wanted each other to be happy. We all are best friends and we wouldn't want it any other way. Just be happy and worry free. I sure wish you the best of luck.
Anonymous
July 31st, 2020 12:19pm
This is a very delicate process that must be taken slowly and carefully. The best thing to do is to find a quiet, comfortable place where both of you can speak without being interrupted. Approach this matter calmly and softly, but be honest and direct. Explain to her how you feel, and why you feel this way. But remember, the person who has found this the hardest to deal with has been yourself! Hopefully your girlfriend will understand this. And although this conversation is best to be done in person, many people may find this uncomfortable. A handwritten letter, or email may be the way to go if you find speaking face to face too difficult
mackenzie1124
August 5th, 2020 12:08am
Be honest. If you two have been together for many years, and have built a relationship based on trust and honesty, it is good to be straightforward and honest so that she can meet your needs and help you get to where you want to be. If she doesn't take it well, she may come to terms with it in time, or you may need to work out the terms of your relationship. Express to her your feelings about yourself and who you want to be. Getting it off your chest might help you with the initial, daunting stress of telling her. Just be honest and go from there.
JessHobson
August 15th, 2020 7:54pm
It's good to hear that you have come to terms with this, I can imagine it was a long journey - you should be really proud for being able to accept yourself! This is the most important thing; what other people think shouldn't matter as much. I do understand though that coming out to your girlfriend will probably be really scary. It is up to you how and when you tell her, but my advice would be to pick a time when she isn't stressed and can have a while to process this information. Try to be really open and honest with her also! I really do hope that she is understanding and supportive. She will probably want to talk about 'what will happen next.' Please do support her too!
enchantedlove
September 5th, 2020 4:54pm
I would like to start this off by congratulating you! It can be really hard to accept ourselves, and love ourselves as we are. I am really proud that you are able to do that. This one is a tough situation I bet for you. I'm sure after all this time you are close with her, and you might be scared to worry her. It is important to remember the longer you keep it going the more she might be shocked by it. You just need to be honest with her, try to tell her it's not her fault, it's just who you are! Hopefully she will accept you for you, and maybe even keep your Relationship together! You never know! Hopefully this could help you!