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I've just come to terms with being transgender. How do I come out to my girlfriend of many years?

127 Answers
Last Updated: 08/08/2021 at 1:42pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
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Top Rated Answers
Birdie72
October 18th, 2020 5:03pm
Hi. First, I just want to say that I think it's wonderful that you've discovered this about yourself. I can imagine that you've been feeling a wide assortment of emotions. Second, I really believe that your girlfriend will not be completely in the dark about this... on some level, she will have sensed that something has been "going on" with you for a long time, but perhaps was never able to put her finger on it. So, you won't be coming at her from left field. Third, however she chooses to respond is HER RESPONSIBILITY. Of course, you want to be kind, loving, and respectful in the tone of voice you use, the moment (and location) you pick in which to tell her, and in the words you choose to communicate your experience. Agree on a time to have an important conversation, and then... just tell her what you've come to know is a deep truth about yourself. Reassure her that this decision has nothing to do with her, your feelings for her, your relationship together, or anything she has (or hasn't) done -- this is about YOU. Remember that how she chooses to respond is all up to her, and not your responsibility. No one can "make" anyone feel a specific way, no matter what they say or do -- she is the ruler of her own reactions, feelings, and behaviours. Finally, trust that your decision in sharing this with her will allow BOTH of you an opportunity to live a life of authenticity and honesty - which is beautiful goal to achieve - even if it means that you decide not to stay together.
WarriorAthena11
November 8th, 2020 11:11pm
My first piece of advice is to come out on your own terms! Do it at a time you feel comfortable and relaxed, a time when you feel at peace. As well, be honest! It will help both your peace of mind and your relationship if you tell her the truth about your gender :) Know that her reaction is only a part of coming to terms with your gender, and that if she does not react well it does not make you any less valid. Please always remember that who you are is the most valid person you can be! :)
GratefullyDeadicated
March 5th, 2021 7:43am
Just do it in your own way however you feel comfortable. She loves you and wants you to be happy so just be open and honest. Being true to yourself is also being true to her and she will see that :) and I’m sure there will be new things the two of you can bond over and maybe even new things you can do and talk about together. it might open a whole new world for you guys and you will be so happy you did it. I know that things like this can be hard but just know that it’s all for the pursuit of happiness
Anonymous
April 10th, 2021 2:37pm
If you can safely do so, just be honest with her! If she genuinely loves you, she should accept this. If she isn't okay with this, I would recommend ending the relationship. However, you should make sure that you will be able to support yourself financially without her, either through your own work or with the help of other people, such as your friends or family. If you need (or want) any further help, or just to talk things through, please feel free to come back here to chat with one of the Listeners. I wish you luck, and hope everything goes well! :)
etherealgirl345
May 1st, 2021 5:36am
Congratulations with coming to terms with yourself in that way. I would find a time where you and your girlfriend are in a safe and happy place to talk about something you found out about yourself. Explain how you are feeling and what your identity means to you. Explain how you want your relationship to change with this information coming out. It is understandable to be nervous so please take a moment and breathe before you say anything. It can be stressful and I can never understand the anxiety behind what you must be feeling. You are heard and seen, So proud of you.
Anonymous
June 13th, 2021 9:52pm
I am in a position, where I'm having to come out to my boyfriend as nonbinary. The first piece of advice I want to give you, is be open to listening to her side of things, as you're not only here to come out and happily be free to live as your authentic self, but to educate and to answer any questions. It may be hard when your partner can be invalidating, and emotions seep out, but being neutral and calm (both you and her - she needs to be calm too) helps to keep the conversation smooth. It can help to ask if she knows any transgender people and bring it up in general conversation. If she does, this may help as then you can see how she feels about them. If she seems positive, then you can ask about how she would feel if someone she really cares about realised they were transgender. It may also help to see what her thoughts on sexuality are. It would help smoothen things if she's attracted to you regardless of gender, but at the same time, she's grown to love your body. As it's your body, and hormones shouldn't change the same flesh you are made of. However there can be issues if she isn't attracted to women (or men, whether you're AFAB or AMAB). It's important to be with someone you are sexually compatible with, as sexuality isn't a choice. If transitioning means this part would struggle. You need to figure out if you're able to change how things are during intimate times, or if it's not going to work. It can help to express your emotions and give some backstory on how you realised you were transgender. To describe how it makes you feel, to be given the chance to transition, and what benefit is would have on your life. As a partner, your happiness is their happiness and vice versa. If talking about this in a positive light helps them to support and care about what changes you're making, that would be worthwhile. Good luck out there, and I hope your relationship lasts a lifetime x
purplebutterflies84
August 8th, 2021 1:42pm
First of all, congrats on coming to terms with it! It takes so much courage and I am very proud of you. Secondly, it is very important to know that you do not have to do anything you are not comfortable with and nobody can force you to either. Coming out is never an easy experience. Make sure you are 100% ready to come out (or not) to anyone you want to come out to. You do not owe that experience to anybody, it is your thing and your thing only. Personally, I think you'll know when you know. Everyone has unique ways like either throwing an extra dramatic 'coming out party' or blurting it out during date night or writing a letter or through a song. Anyway, my point is that there are no 'rules' when it comes to something like this! Whichever way you choose to do it, your girlfriend must be supportive. They might take time getting used to it but there's no excuse on being a supportive partner. In case something does not go the way you expected it to, just remember that you do not have to change yourself for someone else. Be true to yourself :) Hope all goes well, Good luck!