If I'm reading this correctly, you feel like you are the wrong gender and are sexually attracted to the version of yourself that is the opposite gender as the sex you were born with? One thing that I discovered in my personal journey is that longing and sexual attraction can be easily confused when you're denying a part of yourself. I'm a nonbinary person who was AMAB (assigned male at birth, if you aren't familiar with the term) and always had an intense interest in makeup. For many years, I twisted this into being some bizarre fetishized version of the reality within. Once I realized I was nonbinary and was able to embrace that side of myself (at least in private with full support of my spouse), I was able to experiment. The more I released the sides of me I had been repressing, the less sexualized they became. I have found that being able to be open with yourself and have a safe place where you can truly be that person comes with a freedom that cannot be fully realized prior to finding that place. Based on my personal experience, I would recommend discovering/releasing your true gender first and then allowing sexuality to follow. That might make things a bit less complicated, I hope.
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December 12th, 2017 2:39am
Emotions and thought are complex, and they are seldom binary. Often, my feelings are a combination of masculine and feminine elements, and the result is an emotion that is truly mine. I embrace these feelings as my own genuine ones and they help me connect with people in the most sincere way.
This sounds like you're starting to explore your gender, or you may already be doing so. Take time to work out how you feel without forcing anything emotional or physical as this can often lead to worse outcomes because you may feel uncomfortable. Feeling attracted to whomever it may be is fine. It may be scary at first because you're unsure of how you feel or if it's seen as wrong. But don't pressure yourself into doing anything that feels wrong. You will gradually discover who you like and who you feel you truly are. Please don't be scared of outcomes, you are free to be who you truly are.