Can you still be asexual but want sex?
Last Updated: 06/01/2021 at 8:07am
Theresa Gulliver, Registered Clinical Counsellor
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I believe the definition of asexual is someone without sexual feelings - so in short, I don't think you can be asexual and want to have sex. You can be aromantic - a person who has little or no romantic feelings, but not asexual. However, I'm not an expert, and you can decide whatever boundaries you please. I think we all try and define the way we feel about sex too often. Maybe you just like fantasizing about doing it, maybe you don't think about it at all. Maybe you will lose interest in sex as you get older, maybe you will decide one day you want to have sex. It's all normal, and it's all equally okay. Hope this helps :)
Asexual people don't experience sexual attraction at all and they're not interested in having sex, so it wouldn't be possible for asexuals to want sex. It's however possible to refuse to have sex while still desiring it for many other reasons.
Asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction or have their own intrinsic need for sexual activity, but that doesn’t mean none of them have sex. Many asexual people are in relationships with sexual partners, and they may be willing to come up with ways to enjoy sex to keep their relationship healthy. Asexual people’s attitudes towards having sex are often broken down into three categories: Sex-Favorable, Sex-Indifferent, and Sex-Averse/Sex-Repulsed. Factors that determine where an asexual person falls in these categories may include: Sex-Favorable: a positive willingness to compromise with a sexual partner, openness to finding ways to enjoy sexual activity in a physical or emotional way, happy to give sexual pleasure rather than receive Sex-Indifferent: might be willing to compromise on a few things on an occasional basis, doesn’t enjoy sex much in a physical or emotional way but doesn’t feel distressed thinking about it, might be willing to give pleasure but doesn’t find it intimate Sex-Averse/Sex-Repulsed: has a distressed or visceral reaction to the thought of having sex, not willing to compromise (note that the term used may depend on the subjective degree of the reaction) The Gray Area Not everything is a perfect fit. You may feel mostly asexual, but not entirely. You may feel slightly sexual on an infrequent basis, but not enough to fit in with other people you know. You may relate more to the asexual community, despite not quite being asexual yourself. This is what we call the gray area – not quite asexual, but experiencing many of the same things that asexuals do and most sexual people don’t. (Note: the alternate spelling of “grey” is also acceptable.)
Asexuality usually means that you do not have the desire to have sex. However, asexuality is a spectrum. There are people who identify as demisexual, which means, they only feel sexual attraction when they have a very close connection to someone. Being asexual doesn't mean you can't have sex. While there are many asexuals who refuse sex completely, there are others who are comfortable with having sex because for them it's a form of deep connection with their partner. But while asexuals don't have the desire to have sex in real life, some people may have sexual fantasies, but they have no wish for this fantasy to become reality. To summarize: In general, asexual persons have no interest in having sex.
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