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How do I tell my boyfriend that I'm transgender?

140 Answers
Last Updated: 10/07/2021 at 8:26am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Elena Morales, LMHC

Licensed Professional Counselor

I believe silence creates a cycle. With empathic and collaborative therapy, we break the cycle. I help clients feel validated and supported passed anger, shame, and anxiety.

Top Rated Answers
October 2nd, 2020 6:17pm
Tell him whenever *you* are ready. Don't rush things, it will only stress you. Know that there's nothing wrong about being transgender, that's beautiful. Figure out a way to tell your boyfriend. You could do it in person, text or call. Another example: write a letter (or on your phone) where you tell your boyfriend that you're transgender. If you're too scared to tell him, you can make him read the letter. Know that your boyfriend will react. He can be confused, sad, supportive, understanding or disgusted (i really hope he won't) I hope this helped you. I wish you luck! Take care
November 1st, 2020 2:48am
Take some time planning it out, make sure you have a rough plan of what you're going to say. If you want to, you can do it by text - or maybe you can just tell them in person. It's up to you how you say it, but make sure you're comfortable before you do. I had a hard time coming out to my parents, I ended up sending them a (probably unnecessary) multi-paragraph coming out message that they probably could've done without, but it went well in the end - I'm sure that your experience will end well too. It all gets better!
November 6th, 2020 5:07am
Firstly, don't panic! In my experience it's best to just say it. Don't time it specifically for right when he wakes up or when he's drunk or anything like that. Just tell him one day. Make sure you tell him when he's in a position to process it though; don't tell him right before work or before some event. And if you're having trouble just getting up and saying it, I believe in you. I might be posting this anonymously, but know that somewhere in the world, there's someone who believes you can do it. Wake up one day and tell yourself to get it done. You got this, I believe in you!
November 6th, 2020 6:58pm
You should sit him down and discuses how you are feeling so you and him can move forward and grow together . this will help you and him communicate and possibly uncover any decisions you might have or questions he might want answers to in the long run you will get rid of the burden of keeping it in on your chest and it will allow you to feel much better about yourself and it will be reassuring to include him into ur emotions and feelings when it comes down to you and him having this conversation to work toward ur fuhter
November 12th, 2020 1:07am
I believe you should sit down with him and be completely honest. Lies in a relationship is never a good thing. Lay all your cards on the table and let him react. If he truly loves you, he won't judge you for being transgender. If he is not okay with it, try to have a peaceful end to your relationship. Arguing never does anyone any good. Sit your boyfriend down, and just be honest. Let him scream and cry. Just do nothing and let him get it out of his system. Once he is done, he will be able to think more clearly and be able to see if the relationship is one for him.
November 14th, 2020 1:42am
First, start asking your boyfriend how he thinks about transgender. If he is positive with that and if he doesn't feel offended, then start talking seriously about this topic. It would be better if you can tell him early because trust is the most important factor in a relationship. If you hide something from your boyfriend, It is impossible to have a truly healthy relationship. Just tell him you have something to say, and tell him that you did not want to lie or hide anything from him. If your boyfriend does not accept you being yourself, then you should find another person that will accept you as yourself.
November 29th, 2020 2:44pm
Well, that's a hard question. I came out as non-binary to my girlfriend about 2 months ago. I wasn't a 100% sure I was trans, but I told her how I felt and that I thought that I wanted to change my name and pronouns. She was really supportive! But I know it can be really hard, just do it when you feel you are ready and maybe talk to him about lgbtq things and see how he thinks about that. That's a great way to see if he would actually support you. If you know that, I would or sent a text/letter or tell him face to face. I hope everything will be alright!
December 3rd, 2020 6:41pm
I know it's hard to tell him and i've never had to deal with this so I don't exactly know how to relate how you feel. But I can tell you and myself believe in yourself. Don't put yourself down just because you are transgender. I have people like that and it's sad to see the way they are treated just because they are a different sexuality. I want to help people to not feel alone. Knowing that they aren't alone. We believe in everyone and that it may be hard but we are here for you to help you understand yourself and how to help yourself.
December 4th, 2020 7:21pm
You can sit them down and tell them in a calm manner that you are more comfortable being transgender and it makes you feel happier and like yourself. Make sure you tell them( your boyfriend) how important it for you and in no way they are responsible for it and explain to them it is your personal choice. Elaborate your reason, make sure you tell them in a way that they don't feel excluded nor do they feel like they're in the wrong. You can ask them their thoughts on this matter and try to work out the matter taking both yours and theirs opinion into consideration
December 13th, 2020 12:50am
The way I did it with my boyfriend was ask him if he had any trans or at least LGBT friends or family. This is a good way to "test the waters", so to speak, and find out how much he has supported the transgender community in the past. Then, remind him that you love him, and tell him how your gender identity has made you feel, how long you have been transitioning or considering transitioning, Let him know about pronoun and name changes, and make sure you are patient with him as he adjusts to your new identity! As long as you are loving and direct, your boyfriend is sure to understand and help you in any way he can.
December 30th, 2020 8:11pm
Telling someone that you are transgender can be difficult, especially if you are unsure of how they will respond. All of us want to be loved and accepted for who we are, so it is natural for you to want this expression of you to be received positively, especially by the people you care most about. One of the best practices you can try for when preparing to tell your boyfriend that you're transgender is to ensure that you have open and honest communication between you. Do you feel like your boyfriend is open and honest with you? Do you feel like you are able to be open and honest with your boyfriend? Do you both feel comfortable sharing intimate aspects of your lives with each other? Knowing that solid communication and a strong support system is there (or starting to establish both of those aspects of the relationship) is a great first step. It also helps to have external support systems (meaning, support outside of that primary relationship) to help you on your journey.
February 21st, 2021 11:28am
I think the hardest part about being trans was opening up to my partner and letting them know that I needed to physically transition. I had so much shame inside me about it, I'd kept it in for so long and convinced myself that I was crazy or abnormal, or that my whole world would collapse if I said those words. I guess I had to do two things, both say I was trans, and let my partner know that I needed to physically transition. In the end, I just related it to something I did - I said you know when I do ______, well it's a bit deeper than that. I've struggled with this for years, but I'm struggling to keep it in any more, I'm actually trans and I need to physically transition. That kind of opened the door to it, and a lot of feelings that I'd kept hidden. It was a relief to be honest at last, and to work as a team to help manage things together.
March 6th, 2021 2:08am
It might seem scary, but being upfront and honest is important in this situation. Sit him down, face-to-face (if possible), and explain as best as you can. Prepare yourself for a line of questioning, either out of curiosity and try to maintain your composure (though it's hard in emotional situations such as this). Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, if he is not accepting, you do not need him. Also, what helped me to come out was talking to friends that knew of my situation. They supported me unconditionally and I believe this would help you a lot as well.
March 19th, 2021 4:58am
It's best you do it in person, and in public. Understand that no matter what he says, you'll have to accept it. I'm a trans guy and I understand how hard that conversation can be. When it comes down to it however, you need to hope for the best and then prepare for the worst. If he does end up breaking up with you, please know that you have people here to support you, and you can always reach out to me or another listener here as well. I hope it all ends up okay for you, best of luck!
March 19th, 2021 11:53pm
I told my ex by first just slipping how he felt about transgender people as a whole into a conversation. It helped me to establish first of all whether he was transphobic or an ally. That is probably an important step to take because otherwise you could come out to find he is a transphobe, which could be damaging. Then I began to subtly ask about how fluid his sexuality was e.g. how he felt about dating enbies, masc females, femme males, and finally, transgender individuals. Knowing how fluid he is with the gender identities of his partners allowed me to assess the probability of him staying with me and reacting positively to me coming out. Then, finally, come out in a nice and quiet area where it's just you and him and where he has the option to go and leave to think about it and fully understand the gravity of what you have just told him. Don't be offended if he wants time alone, it's natural he will be potentially shocked by this information and will want to think it through. Good luck!
April 1st, 2021 3:08am
I dont have too much experience with things like this but always make sure that you have a safe place to stay. Try to tell him how you feel and have him walk in your shoes but also walk in his and try to understand what he is feeling. remember to talk about how your relationship will continue afterwards. Remember that this is a serious topic and he may need some time to process but also make sure to talk to someone about how you're feeling during this time. Confide in people who love and care about you as well
April 29th, 2021 3:22pm
First off, congratulations on being yourself and who you want to be. It is so admirable. In my opinion, your boyfriend does deserve to know this, so I am glad you are inquiring about telling him. My suggestion would be to tell him you love him, want to have a serious discussion, and need to tell him something important. Then, I would just come out and say it. Rip the bandaid off! If he is the one for you, he will not judge you. In fact, he should love you even more than he already does. Being trans is a part of you and there is nothing wrong with that. Stay strong and good luck!!!!! If he loves you, he won't think of this revelation as a bad thing. Sending light :)
May 2nd, 2021 10:51pm
Try telling him that you want to be honest with him about who you are. If he loves you he’ll accept you for who you are on the inside. Also try telling him that I am who I am on the inside also on the outside. If he doesn’t appreciate you for who you are then he doesn’t deserve you, and you can make the choice of leaving him. Remember at the ends of the day it’s always up to you. And you are perfect the way you are. And someone will appreciate you for you one day.
August 14th, 2021 5:58pm
You should explain it to him simply. Tell him how you feel of course... About your relationship and then break it to him as you reasure him that nothing will change. However even as you do this know in your mind that there is a chance he may break up with you and don't feel guilty about it it's no your fault, people just interpret things differently . This is just how many people are, it's really hard to love someone else despite their flaws but it's just how most of us have been raised or how we react to stuff etc. The big secret is to know that your boyfriend should love you in the shape, race, size, gender and form that you come in and that should never change, if he finds it fit to change it he simply does not care for you in any way whatsoever which is very okay, some things are better off left alone than to proceed with him and he does not love you. In the end love conquers all, at least I hope.
October 7th, 2021 8:26am
This can be a very big thing. Although I cannot relate, i have dealt with things like this before. I also know this too. The best thing you can do is tell him that you are transgender, and see how it goes. If he truly loves you, he will accept it. Some people may really like a lot, but they just can't deal with someone originally being the same gender. some may consider it transphobic. and it could be if you take it out context. but it isnt really. its just personal opinions. If you have to tell your partner you are transgender, go for the shot! its going to be okay and even if they don't like it, you will find someone else who values you for who you are. Not who you were born as.