I adore my boyfriend and don’t want to leave him, but I also think I’m a lesbian. What do I do?
Last Updated: 11/23/2021 at 10:49pm
Lauren Abasheva, LMHC
Licensed Professional Counselor
A sex positive, and kink knowledgeable therapist with an open mindset and a clear understanding that we are all different.
Top Rated Answers
If you are lesbian, you have to consider if you can really be happy with him, because if you can't, with time this will make him unhappy too. Sometimes it's best for everyone to just let go, and give each other a chance to be happy in a different way. Unless both of you are happy with a purely romantic/platonic and non physical relationship. But if you can't, letting him go is the biggest act of love for him and for yourself. And nothing stops you from staying close as friends, now or later once you've moved on, if you think you can manage it.
Unfortunately, the only person who can answer this is you. However, I think there are some questions you can ask yourself that may help you come to a decision. If you are not sexually interested in your boyfriend, what kind of interest do you have in him? Are you still romantically interested or do you see him more as a best friend? Do you see a future with your boyfriend? If not, do you think it would be cruel to maintain your relationship if you expect it to end anyway?
I'm sorry you are going through this. If he loves you, he will want you to be happy. And if you love him, you will want him to be happy. I know it won't be easy for either of you, but you can't change your sexuality. I think eventually you'll have to tell him so that both of you can be happy.Do this in your own time and in your own way.
That does sound like a difficult and confusing position for you to be in. If you've never been involved with a woman before, it may play on your mind constantly whilst in this relationship with your boyfriend. This can start to form cracks within your relationship and how you feel because you may feel you're not being true to who you feel you really are, and so you're presenting a false sense to yourself and to your boyfriend. This is why it's important to communicate how you're feeling to your boyfriend, so that you can work through them together. If your boyfriend isn't willing to work through these feelings with you and instead becomes defensive and upset, then this may not be a great relationship to be in to begin with. Good communication without instantly reacting on emotions is imperative to a healthy relationship. If you have been with a woman before, but you're still drawn to women and also sexually attracted to your boyfriend, then it's possible that you're bisexual. If you disagree with that statement and feel you're indeed lesbian, it's possible to still love your boyfriend as you've spent time with him, fallen in love with who he is and there's nothing wrong with that. So a good starting point would be to communicate with your boyfriend about your feelings.
I've been there. But things started getting weird for me when we both started being busy. We couldn't connect properly. In your case, trust me, communication is the key. Also sometimes it's just in your head. Sometimes you surround yourself with so much content about a certain topic that your thought process aligns with that, example, you might have seen some movies relating to Lesbians and might thing of yourself as a Queer as well. But that may or may not be actually true. Explore yourself in isolation, be sure about it before taking a big step like breaking up or coming out. All I wanna say with respect to my personal experience is that don't ruin a good and perfect relationship for the sake of something that you're not very sure of. I sometimes regret breaking up. Please give yourself some time. Please feel free to connect :)
First of all: let's break down the five types of attraction that I know of. 1 is sexual attraction. As an asexual I have absolutely no knowledge of what it's like to feel this, but as I've heard it described, you simply have see a person and have an urge to become sexual with them. Even if you don't feel that, you could still enjoy sex, however. 2 is sensual attraction. By this I mean, wanting to be generally touched by someone, in a nonsexual way, but more times than not a romantic way. So this includes being hugged, cuddled or kissed by whoever it might be. 3 is romantic attraction. This just means that you have a desire for a romantic relationship with someone. This goes hand in hand often with sensual attraction, but that's not always the case. 4 is simply platonic attraction. It speaks for itself, but, you like this human. You wanna be around them, but just as friends. 5 is aesthetic attraction and the last one that I really know. This just means you appreciate the looks of somebody, generally in a friendly way. Deciding which of these you have toward your boyfriend is crucial for moving forward because you can generally decide which of them you do want in a relationship, and if you have this with him, or rather, if you want to have them with him. I'd also recommend the comphet (compulsive heterosexuality) google masterdoc to read up on why lesbians often find themselves to be straight. So, if you discover that you are in fact lesbian, what now? Well, you will need to have a talk with your boyfriend and find a way to let him go. But this could end on good terms, so that technically, you don't have to leave-leave him.
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