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I am very confused about my sexuality. How can I determine what my sexuality really is?

120 Answers
Last Updated: 03/01/2021 at 10:40pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Polly Letsch, LCSW

Clinical Social Work/Therapist

I provide non-judgmental, person-centered, objective therapeutic treatment for individuals of all ages to improve social, emotional, mental and other areas of functioning.

Top Rated Answers
January 30th, 2015 5:20am
I know it can be hard and you may truly want to label yourself this very second as gay, straight, bi, trans, whatever it may be really. But the truth is, you have to get to know yourself and this takes time. It doesn't happen over night and it takes a lot of patience. Currently I define myself as bisexual because I don't want to tell others I am a lesbian and then fall in love with a guy and then be "not allowed" to date him. Time will help you figure out who you really are :)
March 31st, 2016 11:20pm
Sexuality is unstable thing, it may change overtime. You don't need to put a label on yourself, just be with who you want to be. That's it.
April 9th, 2016 4:53am
I spent years chasing my sexuality. Sometimes I chased it like a prize or Easter egg that when I opened it would make everything better. Other times I chased my sexuality like it was a thief had come in the night to steal all the good things I could get out of relationships while I was still in the closet. The hardest lesson I had to learn about my sexuality was to stop chasing it. I guess to let it get some rest and give myself space to think. I worry sometimes when others come to me and say I am confused about my sexuality and what they really are is scared. Scared of what it might mean to who they are, their relationships with friends and family, having children and a hundred other things that circle in our heads. The answer to how you can determine what you sexuality really is is both simple and hard to do. Still still with it. Acknowledge the feelings you have what ever they may be. Know that no feeling is forever and taking a step down on path or the other isn't final. It's okay to say "This is what I am now" or "I have feelings for _____. Without labeling yourself until you better understand it. It's your journey and the paths other people choose don't have to be yours. Treat yourself gently, I wish you Peace, J
March 3rd, 2016 6:51pm
Try acting like both a boy and girl then see what one you like better. What do you feel comfortable acting like?
May 31st, 2015 10:46am
Sometimes you can't put a label on things just by how you feel at the moment. Often you have to just go through your life, being with who you want- and then you can look back on it later and see a pattern, like if you've only really been with people of your own gender etc. However, questions you can ask are "would I go out with a girl/boy", "would I have sex with a girl/boy", "am I attracted to anyone in that way", and so on.
August 4th, 2015 6:52pm
you dont have to classify your sexuality if you are unsure of what to call yourself. there are many sites to better explain what different sexuality traits are and how to determine who you are. just be yourself and keep your head up. you will find yourself in time. :)
February 21st, 2016 1:15am
first of all, don't stress if you can't put a label to it. If you like a person or a type of person, as long as you're happy then there's not much of a problem. if you still want to find a label, that's great! my first suggestion would be to work out what you know you like, so you can narrow down the terms you'll need to look through. Have a look online, read through terms, if you find a label that fits immediately, that's great! don't stress if you can't find one to describe exactly how you feel. A lot of the labels can be combined with other sexualities to be a more personal and in-depth name to put to a person. For example, I could choose to label myself as a pansexual demiromantic rather than just pansexual or just demi-romantic. I could choose to use bisexual instead of pansexual purely because it's a bigger and more well-known sexuality. Another thing to keep in mind is that it's perfectly normal to change your sexuality or your mind- this is you, and you change and grow like every other human on earth. It is very likely that you'll change your sexuality lots of times to fit you. Lastly- 1) sexuality is fluid. You can be bisexual and be 99.9% into girls but still identify as bisexual and 2) have fun with it. this is a new world to you. Enjoy the novelty of it.
April 25th, 2015 7:03pm
I understand how this feels, the desire for someone just to say what sexuality you or i are, to make things easier. What i advise is take your time, there is no pressure to know if you are gay or straight, you will just know! I spent a lot of time in denial, trying to persuade myself that i was straight, and i dated a girl thinking i liked her in 'that way', but i didn't. i didn't like kissing her or holding her hand, seeing her was a chore. However one day my best friend, a guy, kissed me on the lips when i told him i thought i was gay, and in that moment i knew it was right, it felt magical. When i kiss guys, it feels right, tingly, magical, girls i don't feel this way. I hope this helps!
February 20th, 2016 5:53pm
A good way of trying to determine your sexuality, from my experience, is thinking in the future. Would you marry a man, a woman, or wouldn't mind either? Would you spend the rest of your life with them, raise children, have sexual relations? What are you attracted to? That is how I figured out my sexuality. It will come in time, too.
March 20th, 2016 6:03pm
Well you can try and ha e a relationship with the sex your confused about your sexual orientation with and if it feels right it is your sexual orientation:)
March 6th, 2016 2:40pm
Your sexuality is something that only you will truly know. Something you can do to help you is to do research on the many different sexualities that are out there. You may end up finding a label that fits you! Finding out your sexuality is something that could either take a day or take a year. Everybody is different, so of course the time it takes for you to find out your sexuality might be different then somebody else's.
February 14th, 2016 3:51pm
There are online quizzes that can help you decide (like but there are also resources that list the different sexualities. Maybe you could read a list (like this one: and see if you match up to any of the sexualities!
December 26th, 2017 8:05pm
Experimentation can help you figure out your feelings. But also remember that there's no rush; you have time to figure things out, and it's totally okay to not know
February 13th, 2016 6:34am
Only you and you alone will really be able to determine what your sexuality is. However, if you want to know more about different types of sexuality and what categories you may fall into, there are a lot of quizzes and informational websites out there that can help you determine your sexuality. Also, if you don't want to put a label on yourself, you don't need to. Whatever sexuality you feel you are, all that matters is that you feel comfortable about who you are.
July 28th, 2015 8:50am
There's no 'magical way' to know your 'true' sexuality. Some people have a fluid sexuality and may experience changes during their life. Some may experience traumatic experiences, thus changing the way they see their sexuality. In any case, your feelings are valid and being confused is okay. You can take your time to figure things out.
February 12th, 2016 9:52pm
It could take years to find your sexuality so take your time until you are comfortable with yourself
February 19th, 2016 3:35am
You shouldn't label yourself. You know how you feel about a certain gender. Don't allow society to put a label on you. You're the only one who knows how you feel. Don't pressure yourself to label your sexuality.
June 17th, 2015 9:15pm
Sexuality is a fluid thing that you gradually realize over time. Just see who you are interested/ attracted to. Experiment around if you're old enough. It will come. Try not to worry.
February 13th, 2016 12:58pm
There are several different ways of thinking about what makes a person gay. Some people will argue that one's sexuality is determined only by who you sleep with, while others argue that sexuality is about one's innate preference for one gender or another. Still, others believe that sexuality is a construct that is more or less forced on people through socialization.
March 11th, 2016 7:12am
I know that it can be quite frustrating to not be able to not be able to label your sexuality to put a name to it; but personally, I would just say to follow what is in your heart and get to know yourself. Don't feel pressured to put a name to it. Not everyone strictly identifies to one sexuality, and it would be impossible to label every sexuality in the world. Everybody is uniquely them. If you do wish to put a name to it, just get to know yourself and overtime, you will find the term (or terms) that works best for you. But remember, you are uniquely you. :)
February 13th, 2016 9:14am
You need to find out what sex is interesting for you. Try everything and dont be ashamed. You sre not only who are confised about his or her sexuality
February 18th, 2016 7:27pm
Sounds like you are confused about your feelings. I think that you are the expert on you. In my experience things like this take time and patience to discover.
February 18th, 2016 2:13am
It is good if you could talk to a specialist on this. Determining your sexuality is a very lengthy process it takes a lot of time and effort. You can also take it one step at a time by dating.
March 20th, 2016 12:46pm
Do not try to define yourself. Just be with the person you feel like. If you feel like being with girls, be with a girl. If you feel like being with boys, be with a boy. If you feel like being with both, be with both! Do not label you, the label doesn't matter, just do what you want at the moment
February 13th, 2016 9:09pm
You just need time to understand this. Just try to understand your feelings. How do you feel when you are seeing hot person of your gender? If it interest you? Maybe do you have feeling to both genders? It's ok o feel like that
February 24th, 2016 6:25pm
You can for example look around on the internet for definitions of different sexualities. You can then see if there's a specific one that you feel matches you and the way you feel perfectly. You can discuss your sexuality with the people around you or in chat forums. But in the end, only you can label yourself. Whatever sexuality you say you are, is the one you are. Or you can choose not to label yourself at all. It's all up to you and what feels best for you.
March 9th, 2016 6:25am
There is nothing wrong with experimenting. Ask people out people you are attracted to. Maybe ask someone you know who is queer and can give you some insight. Have fun! This could be a very enlightening period of your life. Keep in mind that everyone is on a spectrum. I know men who are straight their entire life and then find out after they are married that they are gay. I also have a friend that is adamant she is lesbian, but is now in a straight relationship because she loves her boyfriend. Sexuality is incredibly fluid, and it will take some time and experimentation to figure out. Trust yourself, there are no mistakes. Only another step to self discovery.
February 14th, 2016 4:32pm
I wouldn't think much about it, especially all the terms! In the end, what matters is what you want, you don't have to find some term to fit you exactly. You can experience things with people, or you can simply just not think about it. Also don't forget that your sexuality doesn't define you in any way, and that it can change over time.
February 19th, 2016 9:18pm
You can determine you sexuality just by knowing what youre more attracted to. There are so many sexualities out there so you could be more than just gay/lesbian, trans, bi, or wtv.
March 23rd, 2016 12:52am
In the end, nobody can tell you what your sexuality is but you. I realize that this might not be the answer you're looking for (it's certainly not the one I was looking for when I was questioning my sexuality), but it's also a very empowering realization to have. Maybe you switch labels, maybe you're mainly attracted to one gender with the occasional exception, maybe you're bi or pan or maybe you'll decide you don't want a label at all. The great thing is, you get to decide, and you're not obligated to explain your decision or even to share it. Ask yourself who you're attracted to, who you'd like to be in a relationship with, and why you like those people- just thinking about and exploring your feelings towards others is often super helpful when you're questioning your sexuality. Just remember, you're unique, and your preferences are valid.