I don't like male genitalia, but I have a ftm transgender boyfriend and he doesn't want the surgery. I'm confused on what my sexuality would be. Can anyone help?
Last Updated: 10/28/2019 at 1:27am
Anna Pavia, psicologa psicoterapeuta psychotherapist psychologist counselor
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Top Rated Answers
I guess there are some confusion here about what means what. 1) What does "sexuality" mean ? Sexuality is a large concept, and as I understand it, it can mean everything and anything.. Commonly, it refers to a lot of things including : sex related health, orientation, desire, sex drive, things you like to do sexually etc. But in your question, it seems like you're talking about sexual orientation, am I right ? 2) What does "sexual orientation" mean ? Sexual orientation is the attraction you may feel toward people of certain genders (same as yours = homo, different as yours = hetero, people of any gender = bi/pan, no attraction at all = asexuality etc). And the key point is that gender and genitalia as nothing to do with one another. And that's kind of obvious : when you feel attraction toward someone, most of the time, you don't have any idea of what their genitals look like... Since, well, not everybody is cisgender and/or dyadic (dyadic means that one's sex characteristics can be qualified as either "male" or "female"... It's the opposite of intersex). Your boyfriend is a man, as he defines himself (according to your question). So well, if you're yourself a man, you're in a gay relationship. If you're a woman or a non-binary trans person, then you're in a heterosexual relationship. But what about your sexual orientation ? Well, you only can answer to that. Sexual orientation doesn't take genitals into account . So maybe you're a lesbian girl who happens to have one exception that prove the rule (that man you're attracted to), maybe you're a hetero woman who just doesn't like penises (which is, by the way, not a "male genitalia", since genitalias have no sex nor gender. some women have penises, some men don't...), maybe you're a gay man who just don't like penises, maybe you're a hetero man and well this guy is your exception that proves the rule.. etc... I hope it makes things a bit clearer for you. Feel free to reach out to me if some things I said weren't clear enough :)
I have some experience with gender identity (I'm genderqueer myself), so I'm going to try to help you the best I can, but I'm not a professional by any means. First off, though, your question seems a little confusing. You say you don't like male genitallia (which is totally valid!), but you also said that your ftm boyfriend is ftm and does not want "the surgery" (which I'm assuming is bottom surgery.) "FtM" stands for female to male, meaning an individual was born biologically female (with a vagina) and identify as male. Whether or not they want to transition medically depends on each person, ftm or otherwise. But what had me confused was if your boyfriend is ftm and doesn't want bottom surgery, then doesn't he have genitallia that is already biologically female? If I'm not getting this correct, feel free to reach out and let me know (or if you just want to talk) :)
One's sexuality is defined by the gender of the people they are attracted to, not their genitals. The question is: what is the gender of the people you are attracted to? You could be attracted exclusively to one gender, or to more than one, regardless of genitals. For example, if you attracted both to your boyfriend and to women, you would be bisexual. If your boyfriend doesn't want surgery and won't get male genitals, it's good for both, since he will have the body he wants and still be a man, while you will not have to deal with genitals you don't like. But you still are attracted to a man.
In the end, labels are only labels and you're going to be attracted to whoever you're attracted to no matter what you call yourself. If you're generally attracted to females, but are still attracted to your boyfriend, that's fine, though I don't think there's any specific terminology for that that wouldn't only apply in very vague terms. (though, there's a name for everything now, so I bet you could find a term somewhere online with a little research if finding a term for your sexuality is incredibly important to you)
You like someone. It can be that simple. You don't have to box it into a term, but if you're looking for a term, the term "queer" might apply to you. There's so many definitions under the term "Queer" it's seen as an umbrella term. Hope this helps!
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