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If my partner is out of the closet and I'm not out yet, will this cause a lot of issues in our relationship?

28 Answers
Last Updated: 05/03/2021 at 8:02pm
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Danielle Gonzales, PsyD


Hello! My name is Dani, I am a Psychologist and registered Psych Assistant. I have a passion for helping a different types of clients from all diverse backgrounds!

Top Rated Answers
January 12th, 2015 9:38pm
Talk it out. Loving partners should be supportive. Whether you are ready or not, they should be supportive. Sometimes, even with straight couples, one partner doesn't want the world to know about the relationship before the other one does. Make sure your partner knows it is not because of embarrassment. Explain why you want more time.
July 7th, 2015 2:22am
I was a lesbian for 6 years, My partner was more comfortable with her sexuality then I was and I was afraid of what my family and friends thought of me, over time I would distance myself from her unless we were alone or at home, and it began to make her feel as I was ashamed of her, and I was not ashamed I loved her more then anything, but I could feel her love slipping over time, and eventually I decided to come out and everyone was supported though there were a few that were not! I could finally hug her and be with her anywhere i wanted because we wanted! we were just like everyone else! and now I wouldnt change it for the world! But yes it did cause a lot of issues! I hope that helped and thank you for choosing 7cups of tea!
December 29th, 2015 4:01pm
Yes, your partner would feel too uncomfortable and annoyed that you won't allow any affection toward him/her/them just because you aren't out of the closet yet. Your partner might eventually give up on you and seek someone else who would accept their own self for who she/he is or they are.
May 24th, 2016 4:04am
This has happened to me, if your partner loves you then they shouldn't care if you're closeted or not, If things are becoming strained then maybe draw up a plan with your partner about coming out. If you wanted to talk more i'm open ears :)
October 24th, 2016 1:55pm
This only causes an issue in your relationship if you are insecure about your relationship, my GF is out to a select few people and they all know about me and they all love me. However before she told them about me I never once pressured her into coming out because I knew that was her process and I love watching her grow.
February 20th, 2015 11:15pm
Potentially yes. You should never feel too pressured to come out now that you are in a relationship, but if you put yourself in your partner's shoes, at some point they are going to want to be open about their relationship with you and if you are not ready to come out yet, it may put pressure on the relationship. You should try to decide what you want to do, talk with your partner about this fully. Neither of you should feel pressure on the relationship, if you enjoy being together and are happy together, don't be afraid to show it at some point. I hope this helps.
May 21st, 2015 10:41am
If your partner is out of the closet and you're not out yet, it will only cause a lot of issues in your relationship only if you choose to let it. It takes more time for some people to come out and you can't force someone to come out in any way, shape form or fashion. They have to be ready to do that on their own. Surely your partner understands how this feels so they shouldn't rush you. Before the relationship gets to serious I recommend that you sit down and have a conversation with your partner so that you may prevent any problems from occurring in the future.
May 17th, 2016 5:43am
It can be difficult, yes. But I would say that as long as you are open with your partner about being closeted and they understand and respect that beforehand, it should be okay. I think communication is definitely key here. Also remember though that just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to come out. If your partner is pressuring you to do so, understand that maybe this relationship isn't working at this moment.
May 23rd, 2016 3:25am
Short answer: it can. Long answer: it entirely depends on your relationship and your individual situation. Everyone will be in a different situation, despite any similarities. The big thing is to remember that it will only cause issues if you allow it to.
January 20th, 2015 5:51pm
Communication is key to relationships. Just speak to your partner about the issue (what both of you want, problems that may occur, etc) and decide how both of you are going to move forward in this. It's not a 50/50 problem since your partner's family/friends may be more understanding than your's or you may be more worried about coming out than your partner is. It will be an issue if you make it an issue though.
July 14th, 2015 2:21pm
It may, depending on how important it is to them to be out and how connected they are to your relatives and friends. Even if they agree to pretend around your family, if you all aren't extra careful with social media settings they may find out just by seeing other people's comments on your posts. Besides, if they see you two together they'll probably suspect--at least one or two of them will. Basically if you want to stay closeted in this case you'll need to keep your partner and your family completely separate--preferably don't even mention their existence to your family.
October 16th, 2015 5:59pm
It might, depending on how open your partner is to having a relationship that no one really knows about. It all depends on how you choose to go about this, but by no means should you feel forced to come out by anyone.
August 16th, 2016 7:11am
If your partner is out of the closest and you aren't yet, this may cause potential issues in your relationship if you two decide to make big relationships commitments to one another. To solve such an issue, you and your partner should together analyze what is keeping you from coming out and take it one step at a time to come out to those around you.
- Expert in LGBTQ+ Issues
July 8th, 2019 8:53pm
Not necessarily! For some people it's a bit hard to have to hide their relationship due to the other not being out yet, but many couples can find a balance fit for the situation, something that works for both. It's important to talk about this, to keep each other updated about your feelings, and to respect each other's needs. Surely your partner can understand why you're not out, if you talk about it. Discussing your feelings and a lifestyle that can meet the needs of both is the key to a successful relationship.
March 8th, 2015 2:23pm
It can be tricky yes, as youve not come out yet they'll be things you won't be comfortable doing yet due to this, but if your partners aware and is supportive and is willing to help you through coming out then things should be fine and they'll be there for you and once your out you can both enjoy the things you should do :)
November 30th, 2015 6:22am
It depends on your partner. In my experience we looked at it as ours and only ours for and 3 months until she felt comfortable with telling her family.
November 30th, 2015 9:38pm
Talk to your partner and come to terms in your relationship that you're both comfortable with. It doesn't have to cause issues if you can find that middle ground.
May 10th, 2016 2:25am
It really depends on your partner. Sometimes it does not bother them that would be fine. But others can be bothered by this. So talk to your partner to find out whether it is okay if you are not out yet.
May 22nd, 2017 11:13pm
It could, but often times it doesn't. It might cause a bit of tension, but likely won't ruin the relationship. If you haven't already, you should probably make sure you're both on the same page with who you're out to, and who you're comfortable coming out to
January 30th, 2018 12:24am
There's an difference between secrecy and privacy. There might be some problems in the long run however for now depending on how they might feel there may not
May 31st, 2015 3:48pm
It will probably cause some issues between the two of you, but it's extremely important to talk to your partner about this. Communication is key. If your partner pressures you to come out when you're not ready, that's a bad thing and you should rethink your relationship, since you want your partner to be a compassionate and empathetic person.
July 28th, 2015 6:14am
No, that won't, so long as they know. Being out of the closet is important in close relationships, or people might be lead down the wrong path.
November 1st, 2015 3:00am
There will only be an issue if someone causes it to be. As long as you two are okay with it, then everyone else should be, not that anyone's opinion but you two's should factor into this relationship :)
February 22nd, 2016 3:54pm
Your partner may be a little bit upset. But so long as they understand you are not ashamed of them or your sexual orientation and you can talk about your reasons for not wanting to come out just yet, they should respect your decision, and if they love you they will stand by you. It might be hard when it comes to being in public etc. but if the relationship is worthwhile, you should be able to make it work.
December 20th, 2016 7:20am
Hi! If you and you partner could talk about it, these issues may be prevented. Also, be wary of the issues that could arise if you get out when not ready, you deserve full control over your disclosure. Hope it foes well for you, happy holidays!
September 19th, 2017 4:08pm
Make sure your partner understands that you are still in the closet, and that they need to respect that, if they can't, that may not be the best relationship for you
May 14th, 2018 11:33am
Sometimes it could, just depending on surrounding friends and how you two feel about it. It can be hard to come out and these things take time. So talk it through with your partner, get to a mutual standpoint of when to come out (if you want to) and go from there. I'm sure they'll understand
May 3rd, 2021 8:02pm
It could, depending on your partners expectations of the relationship and if they don’t mind that you’re not out yet. For example if openly expressing pda is super important for them, or being able to tell others you’re together, it might be an issue. However, if they understand your reasons for not being out/ are willing to wait until you’re ready, it could not be an issue at all. You won’t know what are issues for them until you have a conversation about it. We all have such individual ideas of what a relationship should look like we never really know until we ask.