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I've finally come to terms with my sexuality (lesbian) but I don't know how to find my gender identity. I like boy clothes but it still feels so wrong to be masculine. Any tips?

8 Answers
Last Updated: 09/06/2021 at 11:06am
1 Tip to Feel Better
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Kajsa Futrell, RTC


I specialise in respectfully helping people navigate their way through trauma and relationship issues. The adversities in our life can actually transform us.

Top Rated Answers
May 28th, 2018 1:51am
Hey, listen, don't worry about it. You are measured on three spectrums- sexuality, gender, and gender expression. You may dress like a boy and be completely comfortable with your body.
November 20th, 2018 3:03am
For me, the best way to try to understand your identity is to just experiment. If you have a close friend that you trust have them call you different pronouns/refer to you with a different gender/etc. Look up some terms and definitions, how does it feel mentally associating with those. Also, keep in mind that gender identity and expression are very different. You can identify as a guy/gal/nonbinary pal and express as feminine/masculine/androgynous. If you like masculine clothes but it feels wrong to be masculine try to understand why. Is that just an instance where your expression doesn't follow the societal stereotypes for your gender and that's it? Or, are you internalizing something? It's okay to play around with things until something feels right. It's also okay to feel differently from day to day to week to month to year.
- Expert in LGBTQ+ Issues
April 23rd, 2019 10:17am
If you don't feel masculine, if you feel like you're a woman and you could not be anything else, that is simply who you are! The clothes you like do not determine your gender identity, it goes much deeper than that. You can wear all the boy clothes you like and still be female! However, I'm assuming that with " feels so wrong to be masculine" you mean you don't feel like you're a man. If you meant instead that you do feel masculine, but the sense of "wrong" comes from cultural background, than you're free to keep questioning your gender identity and whatever cultural element that may be messing with your perceptions. But if you don't feel like a man at all and you simply enjoy boy clothes, if it's all about exterior look rather than interior feelings, than a woman is what you are!
April 16th, 2018 10:09pm
These are just possible suggestions, but you may or may not be any of the following: gender fluid, non binary, bigender, pangender, agender, etc.
August 13th, 2018 6:24am
Experiment with gender, explore and find yourself, in the meantime you'll discover what the perfect label is for you.
February 4th, 2019 11:04pm
This is completely fine. If you feel like you are a lesbian, you are probably cisgender, which means that you’re comfortable with the gender you were assigned at birth. The way you talk about yourself not wanting to feel masculine, you might just be a tomboy, and that is perfectly fine. But if you don’t really feel like a girl, either, you can do research on other gender identities and see which one fits you the best. I can see that you are still questioning yourself, so I think researching gender identities might be good for you. Good luck!
August 2nd, 2021 5:08am
I've been going through something similar lately. After coming to terms with my sexuality I realized I wasn't sure about gender. The first thing I should say is that gender expression is different from gender identity. So in your case, liking to wear "boy clothes" doesn't necessarily mean you're a boy, it just means your gender expression is masc. Also, the only person who can tell you your gender is you. You say it feels wrong to be masculine. Ask yourself, is that coming from you (meaning how it makes YOU feel) or others (society's expectations, what others react or how you think they will react, etc)? And as for tips with finding your gender, I think the best thing is just to experiment. For me personally, I did this by trying out different labels on online profiles. There's also a website called pronoun dressing room where you can try out names and pronouns if that applies to you. Another tip I have is just to learn more about gender identities and engage yourself in the community so you can meet people with similar experiences and get support. Hope this helps :)
September 6th, 2021 11:06am
Hello! It is great that you understand better yourself and your sexuality now. On the other hand, we must keep in mind how different are the concepts of sexuality and gender identity. It is okay that you like boy clothes -if sure they fit you well- and that you like more "masculine" -as defined by society- things. There is nothing wrong in feeling masculine -or feminine-. Not only gender expression determines gender identity, but also how do we feel with the expectations society imposes. If you identify other features in which you'd be more comfortable referred as masculine (i.e., pronouns, name, etc.) then we can discuss a bit futher about your gender identity.