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What is the best way to come out without making them hate me?

20 Answers
Last Updated: 03/29/2021 at 9:25am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United Kingdom
Moderated by

Lisa Meighan, MSc Psychology


Hello, I am Lisa and I work in a person-centred approach mixed with cognitive behavioural therapy. I believe we all have the potential to be the best we can be.

Top Rated Answers
- Expert in LGBTQ+ Issues
February 22nd, 2016 10:58am
Own it. Be proud of it. Present it like you are announcing that you got accepted to Harvard Medical School. "Mom, Dad....I have some amazing news. I'm (insertsexualityhere)." If they don't respond positively, they're idiots. Incidentally, you should be careful. If you are financially dependent on them, it might be best to wait with coming out until you are in a place where if they do respond badly, you won't be homeless five minutes later.
July 19th, 2016 8:34pm
Don't hate yourself to start off with! Your sexuality is a part of you, and not a reason for shame. Sometimes if we have some news to impart that we don't think is going to be well received, we can become defensive. This approach can prompt the other person to also feel combative. So try a gentler approach. Actually, you don't owe anyone an explanation, but be sensitive to how parents for example may have long held expectations of their son or daughter's future, gaining a son or daughter in law, becoming a grandparent. Your sexuality doesn't necessarily change any of those outcomes, but it's just a slightly different image to perhaps the preconceived one. Just as it's taken you time to come to terms with your sexuality, friends and family may also need time to adjust. Be respectful of that, but in return expect to receive respect back. You're doing nothing wrong by being honest about who you are. It's your life to lead, no one else's.
April 29th, 2015 3:11am
Start by telling one person, preferably a close friend who you know would support you through anything. If you know your family will be supportive you can start by telling them next. Explain to them the story of how you have come to realize your sexuality. It will be hard if someone won't accept you the way you are but if they can't come to terms with it then they aren't such a good friend.
June 11th, 2015 8:10am
Coming out is never an easy thing to do. It is something that is very personal, and very important. A good rule of thumb is to not come out until you're ready, and don't come out so someone who you don't feel comfortable coming out to. If there is a risk of physical or emotional abuse from a parent or friend, it would probably be best to talk to a school councilor or therapist. There is no "best way" to come out, and everybody handles it differently. Some people view it as wrong, or sinful. Some people will support you 100%, but there is no guarantee. If somebody takes you coming out badly, it may be a good idea to let them have some space and think it through. A lot of the time, they will warm up to it. Although some people just need time, there are people out there who just won't accept it. They don't understand it. Sometimes that is just inevitable. The best thing to do with people like that is to sit them down and try to talk to them about it. Hear them out, and ask them to do the same to you. Maybe you will come out agreeing to disagree, but at least you've come to a good understanding. Coming out can be scary, and is the cause of a lot of anxiety for a lot of people. The main thing is to remember that you are not alone. There are so many people out there who are going through the same things you are. People are here for you and love you and support you. Don't let the few who don't get you down. Hope this helped. Good luck!
- Expert in LGBTQ+ Issues
October 21st, 2019 11:40pm
There's no way to predict this for sure. However, it could help to start by coming out to the people closest to you and/or those who are more supportive of the LGBT realities. If you're not sure who could be supportive, you can try discussing the LGBT topic with some of them to check their opinions. Be yourself and explain why and how you started questioning and came to your final conclusion, how you feel, what it means to be like you. If you open their heart and let them know what this journey has been like, maybe some of them will be more likely to be empathetic! Make sure they also know you'll be there to answer their questions and help them understand you better, if they want to.
February 24th, 2015 11:15am
Unfortunately, no one has control over the reactions people get from the people they come out to. If they care about you, love you, and respect you, they will accept you just the way you are, regardless of your sexual orientation.
February 25th, 2015 9:37pm
No one should ever hate you for who you are and how you feel. If it is family you are worried about, they love you and they will accept you. Everyone may not at first, but they will always come around. I struggled with this too and it is tough. You can always message me if you'd like to talk! :)
April 1st, 2015 8:20pm
First, just do it when you are sure you want to. Dont do it because you feel like you have to. Then, explain to them what you feel is not wrong, is what you are and you are just fine like this
June 5th, 2015 3:13am
If you think you are in any danger when coming out then wait. There is no certain way to come out and make sure people don't hate you, people hate other people you can't change their mind by doing something a certain way
September 1st, 2015 3:47am
To be honest, this depends on who you're coming out to. Personal experience varies greatly depending on the individual, but it's important to ensure that you first feel comfortable with coming out - wait until you're ready, and choose to come out in the way that best suits you and your situation.
December 7th, 2015 7:39pm
Just come out openly and nicely, don't be all 'boo hoo me' or 'gay over str8', just be yourself c: If you seem down about it, it might make you feel down about it, but be sure to remain positive! If you can't come out in a safe environment, it might be best to wait for your saftey and security. Have fun! -anon
December 14th, 2015 7:55am
Emphasize that you are or have experienced falling in love with a person of your same gender. People can usually handle the idea of love between the same gender more easily than sexuality. Later on you can bring up the details of your sexual expression if they ever ask you.
March 22nd, 2016 1:00am
There's no set rule book for coming out. Everybody reacts differently. I always tell people to try and think about all of the possible outcomes before coming out to the person(s) you're planning on coming out to. How has this person spoken about the LGBTQ+ community in the past? Are they open minded? Another thing to remember is that the people who truly love you for who you are won't hate you for coming out to them and being you. Coming out to someone could almost be seen as a compliment to that person: it shows that you trust them and are comfortable enough with them to trust them with something so important.
April 19th, 2016 10:41pm
Coming out can be incredibly scary. The most important thing you have to do before coming out is making sure that you are save. Having a support system can be helpful too. It's important to remember that if somebody reacts badly it's not because they hate YOU, it's because they are not educated on LGBTQA+. Sadly there are still many people who don't support LGBTQA+ people. That's why I think it's really important that you surround yourself with people of who you are sure that they will support you. If you are comfortable with yourself and your identity coming out will be a lot easier. You can't control how people will react to you coming out, sadly that's not possible. The only thing you can control is you trying to be save and being surrounded by supportive people. You can try to get in touch with people who are supportive through local LGBTQA+ forums/websites. You can also always come here to chat. You're not alone. We're here for you.
June 27th, 2016 9:28am
You have to explain to them why you came out and why that is the choice you made and how it makes you feel. The more you make them understand the more they will understand how much it means to you and not be mad at u for it.
July 2nd, 2016 4:33am
I think best way is firstly telling them what is that really is, a lot of people think they know but they mostly don't and usually homophobic people don't really know what is that, you can say you just making a search or something or tell just them because this is interesting search and you can tell all about this things firstly explore all the realities about what really lgbt+ is, and tell them how this is also have in nature too, how it is natural and not an illness or talk about alan turing, they should get nothing really wrong with that and how trying to ""fix" people is that wrong while they should fix themselves.
October 24th, 2016 2:15pm
The best way to come out without making people hate you is to do it with icing on a cake, everyone gets cake and everyone is happy. Who doesn't love cake?
January 3rd, 2017 12:54am
Hate is a strong word. People may not agree with you, but it doesn't mean they hate you. With that said, honesty is the best policy. Coming out is challenging and we all have our own ways of doing whether is slowly with a select group or it's all out and proud. I would trust and be honest with yourself and those around you. That's the most important.
February 6th, 2017 8:10pm
Come out whenever you feel 100% ready, make sure you're comfortable. Nobody has the right to hate you, please make sure you are safe and take care
March 29th, 2021 9:25am
I can see you want to share who you are with those in your life but feel hesitation out of fear you will be hated. Ask yourself how in general you feel people perceive you? How would you like to be perceived? Honesty is something that may not come naturally but ask yourself if you want to feel free. Being honest is something that we should do daily and gladly is easier to preach but not to do. Times to share who we really are to others comes from within, not through force! You choose the right moment for yourself! Your moment is your choice! I realize that people fear to be hated because of their true identity, but its only understanding why people give into repressing who they are in front of others. Stigma, violence and culture being seen in the media can be why others are ashamed to open up. This can contribute to fear. But if someone might hate you because of who you are, they surely are not people you need to associate with in life. The best way of coming out is thinking about your way of communication. How do you express yourself? Is it through Music? Is it through communicating on the phone? Do you prefer letter writing? Ask yourself does your sexuality mean a change in your personality, how you treat others? Explain to them that how you identify does not make you a completely different person, it's just what feels right for you is a brave step. When you feel more confident and accept who you are you will begin to not fear what others think. You are so welcome to reach out to one of our listeners or therapists on our site for further support. You have open up about feeling reluctant to share how you identify and if explaining your vulnerability you have empowered yourself. Thank you for sharing!