What is the best way to get over the pain caused by close family such as a mom who is "repulsed" at the fact that her son/daughter is gay, but sends her love despite this "shortcoming"?
Last Updated: 01/05/2021 at 4:24am
Polly Letsch, LCSW
Clinical Social Work/Therapist
I provide non-judgmental, person-centered, objective therapeutic treatment for individuals of all ages to improve social, emotional, mental and other areas of functioning.
Top Rated Answers
Sometimes, our pain feels heavier when we still have things to get off our chest. If there's something untold between you and your family, something you'd like them to know, such as what their hate means to you and how they failed you by rejecting you, then you can tell them and see if your burden feels less heavy after you've spoken your mind. I know it can be hard, but you have the right to let them know how you truly feel. And if they won't understand and still be "repulsed", you can look for love somewhere else, with someone who accepts you and deserves your love. I know it's hard to let go of family, but family is where true love is. You don't have to force yourself to accept their fake love. There's real, better love for you to find elsewhere, and you deserve it!
You just have to accept it. You have to accept the fact that your mom grew up with the notion that being gay is sinful/wrong and it's near impossible to change that fact. Sure she can't understand why you don't match up with her ideal son/daughter completely, but no one is perfect and not everyone have the perfect mom. Her acceptance (or lessened repulsiveness) also take time as well. Don't try to convince her with words, but with action. Just be the perfect son/daughter despite this and show her that this shortcoming is no shortcoming. The good thing is, at least she still sends her love, the relationship is not completely ruined and it seems like there's a chance for change.
When a person realizes that they love differently than some people its hard enough to self accept. It makes it harder when an individual wants to tell their parents, get up enough courage, and then they have to hear this.No one should treat you differently. It is hard when family no longer accepts you and nothing really changed did it? you were the same person five minutes before but they didnt know that you love differently. I accept all people. Each person is unique and I dont think that someone should be shunned because they are being themselves.
In my experience it helps concentrating on the thought that she loves you. Even if she doesn't understand and even if she judges you without any knowledge on that topic. She loves you. And last but not least: People's opinion can change over time. As can her's.
Very, very close to the heart question.. Honestly, best thing I can say is don't stop being who you are! Other people will learn to love it if they really do love you.
It can hurt when close family says hurtful things- a lot. But there are always people for you. You can find parental figures in teachers, relatives, or even friends. I hope you find the support you need.
The same was with my dad, and I can honestly say that it felt like a knife in my chest. However, the way I got over the pain was by simply being thankful that it hadn't been worse, that I hadn't be kicked out of my house like one of my other friends. I reminded myself that my father still loved me even though he was disgusted with my gayness, and that I would still be his daughter, no matter my sexual orientation.
Just because your mum might not agree of you being Gay, does not mean that she loves you any lesser. You are still her son and she will always love you as her son. Just that maybe during her bringing up it was told that being Gay is not a good thing and she might not have been thought on how to deal if any of her kids were gay.
What made it easier for me is coming to the conclusion that people just don't understand and they really don't have whats needed to fully comprehend. For example a male will never know what its like to have a baby. He might get the whole concept of it, but because he can never become pregnant and give birth. He will never completely understand. It's the same with heterosexual people. They get the gist of it, but they can never fully understand you.
Continue to be yourself and never give up and your mom will realize what it means to you and how real it is
I'm trans and pansexual. So my experience will be based on coming out as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community instead. I reframed my relationship with my family members. They provided love and support when they were able, but now that they are not able to love and support, there is no place in my life for them. To replace them I have fostered other relationships that offer more love and support than they ever could have. They can say they "love" me all they want but if they invalidate my existence and treat me as substandard then I don't have the space or energy for them in my life. It's on the family member to do the work necessary to get over their repulsion of my identity.
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