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Why is it that so many people who identify in a way that has attraction to the same gender end up falling for one of your best friends?

16 Answers
Last Updated: 08/25/2020 at 12:24am
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United States
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Polly Letsch, LCSW

Clinical Social Work/Therapist

I provide non-judgmental, person-centered, objective therapeutic treatment for individuals of all ages to improve social, emotional, mental and other areas of functioning.

Top Rated Answers
- Expert in LGBTQ+ Issues
April 18th, 2015 10:20pm
Great question. First of all, it's not just you. Straight people have this problem too! I think the reason is that physical attraction and emotional attraction are very closely related, and often we tend to be attracted to the people who are closest to us, regardless of their gender/sex or our self proclaimed sexuality. Fell for my best friend when I was fourteen. Luckily though, it can also work the other way: the person you fall in love with can become your best friend, and that's just awesome.
July 25th, 2016 6:13am
Attraction comes from feeling close to someone, one of these are geographic proximity, someone who you feel comfortable with and having spent significant time with can easily be a love interest.
May 15th, 2017 5:46am
I think, its because we know our best friends more. We have know about this person for a long time, his/her strengths and weaknesses and still prefer to stay with them. We don't need to pretend about anything, our feeling, our mood swings, they know us inside out and will be the first to know if something is wrong. We like that connection, that proximity. We fall for someone, if we get to know that , that person cares for us on a very deep level, irrespective of the fact, they show it or not. I think that the human soul wants someone to understand them and be there for them, just someone who believes in them. We crave that care and concern and if we get that in the form of our best friend, the human mind will subconsciously be attracted to that person irrespective of their gender.
February 17th, 2015 6:33pm
Love is an emotion that humans developed so we could choose the best mate. Chances are, if you fall for your best friend, you already loved them in a platonic way before. You already wanted to spend your life with them, so your mind decided why not take it to a new step?
May 13th, 2015 6:43am
I'd say this is a misunderstood normative attraction. The #1 factor in being attracted to anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, is proximity. That means we are more likely to be attracted to people that are closer to us in general. Think about how many office romances, best friends hooking up, teamates dating, neighbors being secret lovers, etc you might know. Why does anyone fall for people they know already? Because we know and trust them, oftentimes that's an imporatnt first step in loving someone. Hope that helps your understanding, cheers!
June 29th, 2015 2:02pm
Oh boy. This brings back memories. For me, I thought I was straight. I thought that was how the world worked. I thought some boys were cute, but I shrugged it off as normal. Then I met Nik. Nik was my closest and dearest friend. He was the reason I figured out I was bi-sexual. I think it's because of the bond we establish with them. It's such a close and personal bond that you can't help but fall in love.
January 11th, 2016 3:55am
Maybe because they feel they are in a 'comfort zone' and don't have the confidence or strength to look further afield. A lot of people fall for people who are kind to them.
March 15th, 2016 3:22pm
This is not a same-gender attraction issue. Straight people fall for their friend's best friends too. If someone is attracted to your best friend, it's not because they're gay or lesbian. It's because they're human.
May 2nd, 2017 7:08pm
It's not too much of a mystery when you consider that being close to someone and knowing them well can make it easier to be attracted to someone. Obviously you become friends with someone because you like them and enjoy being with them, and if you are attracted to the gender they are, it's easy to see why you'd also start liking them in a way more than just friends.
July 3rd, 2017 5:58am
People open up to a select amount of people. Outside of family, friend groups are tight-kind and limited in terms of people. We join together with people we trust, and the people we have as friends often carry many traits we find attractive-this being the reason we are friends with them. Without a certain level of attraction, friendship is nothing. Add this to closeness and wholeness you might feel with a friend-who wouldn't love to have a romantic relationship with somebody they have no doubt that they can love, and be loved. Trust, and be accepted and valued for everything you're worth. Because before they were lovers, they were best friends. They know every detail of each other. They didn't skip straight to sex like many couples these days, rushing a relationship too quickly to say whether it's right or not. Best friends know that they're right for each other. Everything they do feels better with the other person. They work as a unit, as two halves of one extremely healthy relationship.
November 21st, 2017 1:08pm
Speaking from personal experience, we tend to fall for our best friends because they are the people we are closest to. Our significant others are supposed to be our best friends as well and maybe while being around our best friends we start reading in too much into the small things they have always done around us. This may lead to us developing a romantic attraction where the other person may have platonic feelings only (or not!).
February 20th, 2018 11:16pm
It is a societal norm for a pair of best friends to be of the same gender, and at a young age, we are made to socialize with those of the same perceived gender as us. Usually, one is best friends with an individual because they recognize that the bestie understands them, and they feel a special bond. The world can sometimes be a lonely and hostile place for LGBTQ+ peeps, so this intensifies the bond between and LGBTQ+ person and their bestie. And since besties are usually of the same gender.....welp.
April 24th, 2018 3:12pm
Many people end up falling for people they grow close to and care about. That often times ends up being a friend.
April 30th, 2018 11:06pm
People, regardless of gender, often fall in love with people who they care about and are/want to be close to. A best friend is someone who you already care deeply about and perhaps that is why we often fall in love with best friends.
August 21st, 2018 11:33pm
Your best friend is someone, assumably of the same gender, that you are close to so it's understandable to fall in love or like them when you realize you like the same gender. Thats why most homosexuals first loves are their friends. It's completely normal. I myself am pansexual and I have found myself liking one of my friends. I felt a connection with them so it seemed fitting that they'd be my first girlfriend. I hope that helps you guys! I am generally pretty equipped with all LGBTQ+ issues so if you are seeking advice, please let me know and i'll try to help.
August 25th, 2020 12:24am
It is easy to fall in love with people we feel connected to and inseparable from. Best friends are people we are familiar with, we know a lot about them, we’ve shared vulnerable moments with them. These aspects of the relationship make it easy to feel connected and even to feel in love with a person. In relationships of any type, there tend to be different kinds of love, and often, in the most meaningful of relationships, different and multiple kinds of love can overlap one another. Thus, the familiarity and caring love of a “friend relationship” may or may not overlap with love which includes attraction.