Why do I compare everyone to my bad relationship?

101 Answers
Last Updated: 02/06/2020 at 4:55pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Jackie Dross, M.S. Community Counseling


I have a passion for working with people from a non-judgmental, strengths based approach to meet their goals for personal growth.

Top Rated Answers
March 21st, 2019 10:49am
Perhaps you fear the same thing would happen to you so you try to avoid everything that is similar with your bad relationship in order to protect yourself from getting hurt again. I wouldn't know the exact situation but maybe there's also something you regret or don't understand that is very hard to let go and move on from. It hurts to look back on traumatic incidences on our life but I think it would help if you reflect on what happened in order to help you move on. After all you can't be fully happy with a new relationship if you don't learn from your past and see it in a new light
May 1st, 2019 2:31pm
Everyone has had bad relationships and when things fall out i see everyone as a potential candidate to hurt me. its a defense mechanism. we cant help but feel this way because at some point we believe anyone is capable of hurting us just like we were in the past. when this happens we should realize that people are different so are situations,so we should recall past hurts but not use them as a basics for future interactions with others in order to have healthy relationships. i have known this and it has really helped me and of course all those breakup and empathy courses!
June 9th, 2019 3:34pm
It is an act of self defense mechanism. A benchmark has been set, like, person with quality 1,2,3 will give feelings that would not be good. So, I wont go to another person with quality 1,2,3, because it is bad for me. So before falling into relationship of any other kind, one is required to compare every new person one meets, to keep oneself safe. This is called, learning skills for self defense and smooth survival than falling down again with same nuisance. So, comparing is totally fine. It is a self care mechanism. You may feel overdoing comparison because you may have recently experienced bad relationship.
June 15th, 2019 10:39am
Bad relationships leave nasty mental scars that take a long time to heal. Because of this, we naturally go into comparison mode when looking at potential partners, because we fear repeating the same process as before. Subconsciously, it's almost like we are expecting each person to be a failure because they may have a similar personality feature, that triggers one of the mental scars that causes us to build those defensive walls and push that person away. We keep on repeating the same process. Sometimes though, there isn't actually a genuine indicator that causes that trigger, but it still sets off the comparison and makes relationships quite difficult.
June 27th, 2019 5:48am
I do this as well even now in my new relationship, and it's not because I want to but I do it to be cautious and to also appreciate him for being different from my bad relationships. Our brain is designed to look for patterns from good and bad experiences so we can get out of situations. This is why we have gut feelings. So when we go into a relationship we analyze it because we want to make sure we don't go through that horrible thing again. It may also be all you know! For me I have never had a healthy relationship (except hopefully this one because that is what it seems like so far) so I compare to my bad relationships a lot because I have never experienced anything outside those toxic and abusive relationships therefore I'm almost out of my realm
August 3rd, 2019 2:35am
Oftentimes, trauma and abusive or toxic relationships leave a lasting impact on the way you see situations, new relationships, and other people. Many people who have gotten out of toxic or abusive relationships find themselves constantly searching for red flags because they feel like if they could have seen it sooner they would have saved themselves a lot of pain. This causes them to panic when they see something in a person that reminds them of another bad relationship. Even if it's a little thing, such as a certain speech pattern or habit that has nothing to do with someone's character, it can be hard not to make connections and draw conclusions.
September 25th, 2019 5:01am
I think you expected too much from your partner and your partner did not do so. It happens in everyone's life, what we gave don't get the same, also we always regret what we have chosen and always want to get the path that is not taken earlier. Please read THE ROAD NOT TAKEN and u will understand. What do we do, we just put our self in others relationship or we compare a person with whom we felt bad and our mind did not accept that person. What is needed to do? We have to b positive and calm while introducing with a new person, every fingers are not , never be same.
November 1st, 2019 10:08pm
I compare everyone to my bad relationships because I don’t want to get hurt again. I am so afraid to get crushed into a million pieces I have to not pick the people I can build with so I minimize my chances of being hurt again. Being hurt by someone you love is the worst. It tore me down to my bones and took everything from me. It took my love away for everything. I didn’t want to live anymore and I finally started to realize this isn’t how I want to be and I built myself up, I have a relationship with myself. I now trust myself and my judgements on others because I don’t want them to tear down what took me so long to build.
November 14th, 2019 3:46pm
Because we never forget bad things. We learn how to live with them. How to overcome those obstacles. I don’t think we reach to a point when the memory just disappear , but I do believe that we reach a point in our way where we learn how to handle it. You may be comparing everyone to your bad relationship because you’re scared to fail a gain, to be hurt again, to suffer. To fall in love with someone that will make you the same harm as the last person. Maybe you just have to give yourself time to heal from that, to realize how to live your live without living in the past.
December 29th, 2019 4:27am
It is in human nature to look around us for reference. It's what causes a lot of feelings of shame on certain topics. When dealing with a bad relationship it's important to stay honest with yourself and know the things others might display aren't always true. sometimes people who are in a bad relationship will pretend everything is fine whilst in public. so when you are looking around for reference, take the things you see with a grain of salt. it's not per say a bad thing to look around you when you are in a unhealthy relationship, it keeps your compass pointed north. This is important so that your unhealthy relationship doesn't start to seem normal to you because the only thing worse than a bad relationship is blaming yourself for it.
February 6th, 2020 4:55pm
Because it's the natural thing to do. We are fearful of experiencing a repeat of the bad relationship. When we trust someone and they hurt us, it takes time to move beyond that pain and trust another person. We do not want to relive that pain, so we are suspicious of the motives of the people we are in subsequent relationships with. Unfortunately, it takes the new partner demonstrating that they are not like the one who hurt us. We cannot take people at their word about certain things, and matters of the heart is one of those. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes it takes self-care to move beyond the bad relationship.