Why do I compare everyone to my bad relationship?
Last Updated: 04/08/2021 at 6:53pm
Jackie Dross, M.S. Community Counseling
I have a passion for working with people from a non-judgmental, strengths based approach to meet their goals for personal growth.
Top Rated Answers
We can challenge our perspective to see this comparison with other eyes. How? With a question. What if you're not just comparing, but you're actually perceiving what qualities are lacking in your own relationship? If we unravel the meaning of comparison, you arrive to the conclusion that you're just discerning with your natural intuition whatever is lacking in your life. Despite knowing that comparisons do not always involve something intuitive that is positive, in this case, you even state that you're in a bad relationship, which confirms that you're just aware of what you deserve. Discernment and awareness can come from understanding what qualities you perceive in the world that are not being manifested in your life. This is the heart of true comparison.
Your previous, bad relationship had a large impact on you. It is hard to completely let that go and move forward, but part of processing what happened and what you went through is in that comparison. You are still hurting, potentially. And, a comparison is a big part of how we communicate and share experiences. Even if we don't altogether want to see similarities between a and b, they present themselves, anyway. The farther from the bad relationship you get, and the healthier relationships and development that you gain, the less this comparison will happen in the future. You just have to give it some time.
Sometimes we compare other people to our bad relationships because we are afraid that entering a new relationship will result in similar negative outcomes. We compare one situation to another as a coping/defense mechanism. We put up our defenses so we don't risk getting hurt. In our mission to avoid the risk that we may get hurt again, we miss out on the chance that something could be amazing. It's easiest to fit other people into our previously experienced molds of people. It takes more work to truly develop the mentality that each person is an individual and having one relationship that doesn't work out is not predictive of having another relationship that ends the same way.
Sometimes when you've had ban relationships, you have trust issues and get scared with new people. Sometimes comparing people can come from worries and thoughts like "He dumped me, so this guy will to" or If one person uses you for sexual wants, you could have worries that your next mate will too. It's totally not a bad thing, and it can be taken care of. If you experience these comparisons very often, taking a break to regain your trust would always be an option! The world of love is a scary place, so it's totally understandable if you compare people to your bad relationships.
It's hard not to compare everyone to the past relationship. You are trying to make sure that you won't get hurt again, and if there is a slight similarity, you will back away. When you compare everyone to the last bad person, you are trying to make sure there is good in them. If you see that the person is good, and not like the last one, it helps you realize that maybe you won't get hurt again, but if you find out that they are more similar then anything, then you will find a reason to shut yourself down once again. This keeps you from getting hurt.
Related Questions: Why do I compare everyone to my bad relationship?
I have very rapid mood swings, what's the best way to manage them so no one gets hurt?I find myself thinking of people as useless and tedious. What's wrong with me?Why do I feel worse after crying?Are psychopaths necessarily bad people? What's the point of happiness if I don't want it?Am I depressed or just sensitive? How do you know if you're truly happy?I can't stop crying for days on end. What do I do?How do I prevent negative thinking?What makes a person emotionally strong?