Why do I feel bad when someone does something nice for me, specially if they buy me gifts?
184 Answers
Last Updated: 03/18/2023 at 7:03am
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Lisa Groesz, PhD
Psychologist
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Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
December 11th, 2019 3:18am
The question isn't really why do you feel bad about people doing something nice for you... It's why do you feel like people shouldn't celebrate you and how they see you.
How do you feel about that question instead?
A person's value in their own eyes is never the same as through the eyes of another. We are all our own worst critics.
If we can take a moment and think about how the person giving us a gift or a compliment feels to have taken such a bold step to break out of their own comfort zone and pick something they think you will like to have or hear, then Thank you really isn't enough sometimes to express the celebration of their own presentation of a gift.
For the fear that this nicety may not be there tomorrow. Gifts sometimes create a kind of bonding with the giver. Sometimes, we feel bad because we become receiver.
This may be because you are unable, or are restricted in your ability to do something nice for that person in return. It's always nice to be treated well, and if anything, take this opportunity to think about how much happier we would be if we all paid each other compliments and bought little gifts of appreciation for each other. You don't have to buy gifts of course, many acts of kindness can cost nothing!
You may think immediately that you now owe that person something as well and might not want/cannot retribute the favor or, more importantly, that for some reason you do not deserve the appreciation received (e.g gift), therefore you feel bad for accepting.
Usually when I feel bad on this situations is because I feel obliged to give him back the gift. As if it wasn't a gift, but a favor that will, in the future, be asked in return - or just expected, what might be even worse.
Because you don't know how worthy and how precious you are. You think you don't deserve it. But you do!!
Because you feel like you don't deserve the time, money, or effort that it takes for someone to give that gift to you. This comes from toxic thinking and you should know and realize that you are worth it and that those people love you and cherish you
I feel bad when somebody does something nice for me or buys me gifts because I appreciate their thought they’ve had of me and want them to feel equal as I do. It’s not pleasant for one person to be giving for the ones happiness, it must be shared together, with each other. Not alone. For me to be able to express gratitude for something the other person has to feel the same way as me, if they don’t it puts a feeling of guilt inside me. Feeling grateful and happy together is the best way anyone can not feel guilty.
Anonymous
November 26th, 2016 10:14am
It is probably because of low self esteem. You don't feel like you deserve it. It's really bad to feel that way though. You are totally worth being treated nicely,you are an amazing human being. Instead of worrying, enjoy the nice things that people do for you. You deserve it.
Anonymous
January 4th, 2018 9:28am
Sometimes people feel bad after receiving an unexpected gift from someone close to them, either because a) they feel they owe them something in return and aren't sure of what to give that would make up for what they received or b) Its an act of kindness in which they are unsure of how to repay.
Personally, after a lot of self-reflection, I found in my experience of receiving gifts it made me feel guilty, weak, and dependent on others. My experience with gift receiving goes back to my childhood. My mother used gifts as a form of control and to meet her needs. Gifts were always used to hang over my head when I did not meet my mother's emotional needs. This created a lot of guilt within myself and dependent and weak when excepting something from others. I always felt someone who gave me a gift had an ulterior motive. My perception of gifts were based on the historical relationship with my Mom.
I personally dont do well with getting gifts because I feel like I either dont deserve them or I worry about having to give something back, because it feels like the right thing to do. Sometimes its difficult to accept someone may want to give me something, because it feels like there should be some reason. On Christmas and birthdays, I have a hard time with gifts because although I'm so grateful and I make sure they know that, I always find myself thinking either: "I wish they hadn't spent the money on me for something I dont *really* need, when they could have used it for something else," or "I haven't done anything to merit getting a gift." I have to remember that just as I feel good giving other people gifts, they also may feel the same, and gifting is a beautiful thing to do amongst people you love.
Anonymous
November 9th, 2016 8:52pm
The feeling of receiving a gift or a good gesture can be slightly overwhelming to some people. Often this can cause a feeling of guilt if the deed is not returned, however, gratitude often suffices.
I think it's because we often feel undeserving. We don't view ourselves important or good enough to have someone do something nice for us. However if someone gives you a gift or a compliment they do so because they feel we deserve it and we should learn to accept that.
Sometimes I feel like I owe the person something. I prefer to receive favors or gifts from people I can repay.
Anonymous
November 21st, 2018 8:26am
I think it’s because you don’t want to be seen as selfish or as a person who is giving and would not like to receive things back. This is probably because, in my opinion, people would like to be seen as more modest and more of like the people who are the ones that give and don’t get back because that makes them look better, since some people might rather receive than get. This is because receiving gifts from others makes the person feel more fulfilled and loved, since it’s one of the 5 ways to show someone you love and / or care about them.
Anonymous
April 1st, 2018 3:07am
When someone does something nice for us, we may feel bad about if we don't truly think we deserve it. We may not fully believe that we are worth receiving the love, the gift, or the help. These feelings could be more obvious to us, where we admit that we "don't deserve it", or they may be more subtle where we find ourselves doubting "why would anyone want to do this for ME? I'm nothing special!"
Anonymous
November 16th, 2015 10:32am
Sometimes it is hard to accept gifts, especially when you have had a lifetime of not receiving that many. It makes us uncomfortable, when really we should just enjoy the moment, the kind thought, and say thank you.
It's a feeling of needing to do something for others because they gave you something nice, and you feel the need to do something nice in return
For the mindset of ' i am not worthy being treated like this ' , ' Now i must do sumthing to return this kindness , what a hassle' or ' What is this guy trying to get from this. There must b sumthing behind this'.
It's kinda hard for me to believe that people doing nice things just out of ' Kindness ' . It's just that rare.
' Gifts ' or ' Being Nice ' which directed at me were mostly for rewarding my deeds. I am so used to have it that way, so many times that i doubt there is any of them comes with 'Sincerity' in it.
Anonymous
January 18th, 2019 1:35am
I think it depends really. Do you feel you are not worthy of someone doing something nice for you? That may affect your ability to receive love from others, your thoughts on your own self-worth? Or are you sensing this person is overextending themself to the point of buying your relationship, like people pleasing? A sensing of misappropriated boundaries. Or Would you do the same for someone else? It could be a guilt thing as well that you can’t receive if you wouldn’t do the same. . It really all depends on an individual situation from my experience.
Anonymous
November 5th, 2020 6:18pm
im answering this because i feel the exact same way. although there isnt a specific answer for that, i can mention some things that you might relate to. you feel like youre not worth it, low self esteem can bring us down making us believe we dont deserve good things. you can feel like youre being selfish or it just feels offensive. i know this feeling. but dont let that stop you from letting people be kind with you.
I once read that we can only accept the love and gratitude you think you deserve. Could it be that you think that you don't deserve it?
I think because there tends to be a feeling of obligation to return the favour at some point which puts pressure and expectation on ourselves.
Sometimes, yes, but it depends on who it is that is buying me something and what they are buying me. For example, a coworker and I have an agreement that we take turns buying each other lunch, so whenever we go out we know whose turn it is to buy. On the other hand, when I am given an unexpected gift from someone, such as a friend or coworker, I feel like I do owe them something in return. As long as the purchase is justified I am happy and take it guilt-free, but I do believe in returning the favor as often as possible.
Sometimes I feel bad when someone does something good for me like when they buy me gifts because I feel like I don't deserve those kind actions.
I also feel bad because I sometimes feel like I cannot reciprocate the same action with the same measure. Especially if the action costed a fortune for example if a friend stayed with me when I was sick.
In addition to all that, I sometimes feel bad when a person does something nice to me because I will forever owe that person and nothing that I could ever do could ever convince me that I have fully paid the debt.
Anonymous
October 28th, 2018 4:57am
Often times when someone does something nice for us, we feel the need to return that kindness. When a gift or nice act is done spontaneously it is difficult to return, making us feel guilty as we can't do the same at the moment. The reason you're most likely feeling more guilty about gifts is that they actually hold some form of monetary value; something had to of actually been given to provide this item for you. Another reason is that you can also feel yourself undeserving for whatever reason that may be. Just know that whoever is being kind has solely good intent. ^^
Sometimes due to our own trauma or self esteem, we feel unworthy of the things others do for/offer to us. It is important to remember that gift giving is a love language and we are all deserving of love. Typically, when you do go out of your way to do something for someone, or when you give a gift, why do you do it? Does it feel like a burden? Dose it make you happy to give? Chances are some one did something nice for you, or gave you a gift because they love you! Accepting it is ok!
Perhaps you do not think, in some deeper way, that you are worthy of the gifts, even though you have clearly earned them through your actions of care towards that person. However, this can be hard to decipher if you feel that the gift if unwarranted or is being used as a bribe of some sort, whether for your attention or time. This can be confusing to the psyche. This can be manifest by your feeling bad when someone does something nice for you, especially if they buy you gifts, if you do not believe that there is reciprocality in the relationship. I hope this helps.
It can be hard to accept nice things because you feel like you're not deserving or you're just a very humble person, and that's not a bad thing! But you should allow other people to do nice things for you, it's coming from a place of caring and possibly love and you should allow that into your life. So instead of feeling bad (which I know can be hard, sometimes it's just automatic) just practice being thankful. It's one thing to say thank you and another to actually be thankful. If someone does something really nice that means they're grateful for you and want to show their gratitude. Allow yourself to accept these nice things and tell yourself that you deserve it, because you do!
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