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I'm scared of becoming the kind of parent my parents were, how do I avoid it?

22 Answers
Last Updated: 12/25/2018 at 7:14pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Jill Kapil, PsyD


I have over 9 years of clinical experience, specialize in anxiety, and am passionate about my work. My approach is collaborative, empathic, supportive, and goal-oriented.

Top Rated Answers
September 21st, 2015 4:31am
You know the answer to your question. Why? Because you already know you dont want to be like your parents, so you've identified their flaws. Now don't do what they used to to do, just be conscious of you actions all the time and aware of what you do.
November 13th, 2014 4:43am
it sounds like you are afraid of following the same steps of your parents. That shows that you are a compassionate person
November 30th, 2014 9:02am
It could pay to do some investigation. Find out exactly what it was that you disliked about the parenting style you were brought up with and why do you dislike it? Why did your parents do it the way they did? Questions and investigations like this sometimes help us to get a clearer picture of the kind of parent we do want to be. It can help us deal with the way we were brought up, sort out some of the negative feelings so that we can concentrate on the present moment. Even after a little investigation and discovery and growth as a person and parent, you may still occasionally caught yourself saying "I sound just like my mom/dad!" and that's okay. Nobody's perfect, your parents weren't and you won't be either. Being willing to learn from your mistakes will go a long way in parenthood (and in life). If you love your child and have their best interest at heart, you will be well on your way to be the best kind of parent your child needs. You will do just fine! Remember: there is no such thing as a perfect parent. If you are constantly going to try and be perfect, you are going to miss most of this wonderful adventure called Parenthood!
December 23rd, 2014 9:27pm
At first, you just have to realize who you are yourself. Are you your parents? If you aren't, then you just have to work towards being yourself, instead of always thinking about how they're acting
December 29th, 2014 2:20am
Really there is no same parent. Each parent does their job in one way or another, and you will end up parenting in a way that fits you. Your children will be lovely, as long as you remember to love, support, and Sid with them on every if not almost every thing they do.
September 16th, 2014 3:02am
You just become your own person. Only you can pave your own path - you don't have to become the kind of parent your parents were. Have you discussed this worry with a counselor?
November 2nd, 2014 5:31pm
The easiest way to not become the kind of parent your parents were is to be your own person. You'll need to find out what interests you, and strive to think about decisions before you make them.
December 7th, 2014 9:08pm
I was also scared of that..but I am just like my Mother. My Mom always yelled,yelled and never punished. Which I do, with my son. It's very hard for me to make him take a time out, I just yell to try to get my point across. When I realize I'm doing this, I immediately try to calm myself down and try a different way to approach the punishment...but I was RAISED that way...and maybe that's the problem. I'm just so used to that from my childhood that I carry that in to motherhood. Just breathe, and think...what is wrong here and how do I fix it?
Anonymous - Expert in Parenting
April 29th, 2015 10:34pm
If you find yourself acting the way your parents did, snap out of it. But under no circumstances should you let your past experiences with your parents dictate how you yourself parent. You'll be depriving your children a lot of emotions!
May 22nd, 2015 11:03pm
Just try to be the best parent you can be, there's no wrong or right way to parent, you just gotta go with what your gut tells you
June 5th, 2015 9:22am
You can look at their parenting skills, take best bits or you can do the opposite of them. You must listen to your inner self/instinct. Sometimes the child teaches the parent.
January 11th, 2016 10:44pm
Your parents are your first example for everything from love to friendship to personality and more. However, as your grow and learn and are inspired and influenced by other people, places, and things, you have an opportunity to become whatever it is that you desire. You may have to work harder at it because of your past but that only build character and deserves respect. Take from the good that they gave you and you are in charge of creating the rest. Let the bad be an example of what not to do and move forward towards your parenting goals.
February 1st, 2016 2:28am
It helps to identify exactly what you disliked about your parents. Maybe make a list of all the things that you feel were unhelpful to you as a child and then write out how you will prevent yourself from doing this to your own child. For example, if your parents yelled a lot about everything you could talk to a counsellor about how to manage your anger and stress. If your parents invaded your privacy you could research ways to facilitate healthy communication between you and your child.
February 8th, 2016 2:28am
Look at your parents as an example - a bad example. Evaluate what they did wrong and see if you can find similarities in your actions. Look at how you can build a supportive environment and seek help from others to maintain it. Be conscious of your actions and communicate with your children
June 27th, 2016 4:10am
Learn from what your parents have done wrong and be better. You are not your parents so you can be better. Believe that you can is the most important 1st step.
July 25th, 2016 4:53pm
Well, I made a list of positive and negative things my parents did. Once I did that, I'd refer to it and make sure I followed the positives not negatives. I also read about of a parenting book by Rebecca Eanes. I know you'll do great! -Alex
September 13th, 2016 2:12pm
This was always my fear too, more specifically that I would become my dad. Your personality is part genetic but only partially and you can override it. I am proof of that. By my age my father had cheated on my mother more times than he could remember and was a compulsive liar. I have been faithfully married for quite some time and tend to be "brutally" honest, avoiding even white lies. Its all about self control, being aware of yourself and your behaviour, and thinking before you act. Your partner will also be very important in this, talk to them and be clear and agreeable about how you plan to raise your child together.
September 27th, 2016 2:47am
Some things are out of our control no matter how much you may try to prevent it. Just make sure you become the best parent you can be.
November 20th, 2017 10:06pm
Well, first you should recognize what you're parents did, that you dont want to do. Then perhaps you should set steps or a plan to make sure that it doesn't happen.
April 2nd, 2018 12:52am
Because you are scared enough and aware enough to recognize their failures and focus your energies on exploring and researching good parenting techniques. Put the new teaching into practice in your family.
May 1st, 2018 12:45pm
We all carry some of our parents traits but being aware of the traits you did not appreciate in your parents will help you avoid them.
December 25th, 2018 7:14pm
Just very easily by being yourself. You are not your parent, and there is no way you could be another person. Knowing what you did not like as daughter/son you will help you to avoid behaviors you did not like. You are the only person who can decide what kind of parent you want to be and since there are no instruction in parenting, you will grow your experience day by day. You most probably won't be perfect, none is, but as long you'll do the best you can and you'll be able to forgive yourself when you don't manage it, you will be a perfect parent.