What do I do if my husband and I can't agree on how to raise our children?

16 Answers
Last Updated: 08/21/2018 at 10:29pm
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Top Rated Answers
Anonymous - Expert in Parenting
January 1st, 2015 10:52pm
Sometimes it is not a matter of disagreeing on parenting, but a matter of different belief systems and/or poor communication between parents. From experience I can say that both parents need to respect each other and allow the other one to speak without being interrupted or feeling ridiculed or defensive. Each person must use active listening and speak to each other with respect, even if their beliefs do not match up. Using an open mind and active listening will allow each person to understand why the other person believes what they do about parenting. Once both parents understand each other’s belief systems and why they have those belief systems, a middle ground can be found. I cannot stress enough how important it is that both parents must be able to do this in order to settle parenting disagreements.
Mateia
October 26th, 2014 7:01am
That is quite normal. Couples often don't agree. The crucial factor is whether you can negotiate and come to an agreement which is ok for both of you and which both of you are willing to implement
AlexPrime
October 27th, 2014 2:18pm
This happens to me and my wife all the time. You have to consider the past, of each parents upbringing and the set of rules they were brought up with. My dad bought me a motorcycle when I was 4; and now my own son is 7 and I am still not able to get him one. My wife and I are at a standstill. With most other issues, we discuss and reach some compromise. Currently I have proposed to let my son start go-carting, and next year we will review getting him a motorbike.
GoodGuyChad
November 5th, 2014 9:03pm
You agreed on having children, but there was no implicit agreement that you'd agree on all the decisions it takes to raise a family. Your family and your ability to work through disagreement w/ your husband is far more important than the outcome of any one decision along the way.
Subas
December 9th, 2014 10:52am
You should sit down and talk to them, try to explain your points and listen to his and try to settle on things you can both agree on. It's important to see the other side of things too and to not attack someone by telling that they are wrong. It should be a combined effort.
RachelZen
January 6th, 2015 3:50am
When I was married to my son's father, we butted heads quite a bit about how to raise our son, deal with his behavioral issues, etc. I subscribed to the "attachment parenting" philosophy, while he wanted to go a more traditional route. The compromise my ex-husband came up with was that I would raise our son until he was 13, and then he would take over. I agreed, knowing that this was a ridiculous idea, but it gave me free reign to raise my son as I saw fit. Ten years later, my son is an amazing, funny and wonderful boy. He still has some behavioral issues, but for the most part, he's a delight. Despite the warnings that co-sleeping, paying attention to his needs and being respectful of his feelings would make him a spoiled brat, it turns out that just the opposite is true. My story, however, is probably unusual. Here are my thoughts for what others might do in this situation: 1. Write out your parenting philosophy/ies, trying to be as specific as possible (for this behavior, I'd use "x" method). 2. Come together and present to each other what you have written. 3. For each behavior, discuss why one method might be better than another for YOUR child/children, keeping in mind that every child has his/her own personality and ways of doing things. Some methods will be more productive than others. 4. Try to find common ground. 5. If you can't come to a compromise during the discussion, perhaps you could target specific problematic behaviors (such as whining) and try both methods of dealing with it. See if one works better than the other or if perhaps a combination of methods is more effective. 6. If all else fails, find a parenting class you can both attend. Sometimes a third party can help suggest ways of raising your child that neither of you thought of. It is important to present a united front if at all possible. Children need consistency. Raising a child is trial and error sometimes. They don't come with manuals, unfortunately, so you and your spouse will have to write your own. :) Good luck!
Skittledpinkcupcake
December 6th, 2014 6:51am
Communication is always the key to a healthy relationship. Yes, your relationship with your husband is just as important as it is with your children. Make a list of situations that you are most concerned about, waht would you/he do, if you both have conflicting ideas try and express exactly why you chose your decision, and he should do the same. Remember to us the words "i feel" "i think", when expressing, this lessons the feeling of being belittled. Hope this helps! I know this response may be geared towards a small piece of raising. I took the question as more of what to do when disciplining.
Funfloor
April 25th, 2015 5:37am
Well That is a serious issue. As I have not walked a day in your shoes, I am not able to give you any specific advice.
DaveC2016
June 4th, 2015 12:49am
Parenting is based all on compromise. My wife and I are always butting heads about how to raise our son. The best way to handle this indifference is simply communicate both of views and compromise by putting together both ideas. That will also help you both as a couple.
PoliteOcean
September 7th, 2015 3:23am
This can be difficult. And most couples should discuss this before having a family. However if it wasn't, then perhaps you could seek the advice of a family therapist or counselor to help. Or sit down and talk and make a list of the the things you agree and disagree on. And start from there.
allnaturalUnicorns70
August 29th, 2016 1:05pm
Not agreeing is not an option. Parents need to be a united and loving team. If compromise is not an option, an objective 3rd party might be able to help you find common ground. Mutual respect and appreciation for each other and your respective views are critical.
originalSummer75
September 5th, 2016 2:38am
Communicate it with him in a lovely way.tell him that he is a good father and you support and trust his judgement but explain to him why you think a particular issue should be handled in a different way.
Anonymous
April 16th, 2018 2:44pm
Find common ground and build from the basis that you both want what’s best for the child. Compromising is a huge part of marriage.
miraculousHeart73
April 24th, 2018 9:48pm
Couples counseling is always an option! Or you could sit down, write what you would like to do, and compromise. It might be frustrating in the beginning, but overtime you will have good communication between each other.
endearingLion70
June 4th, 2018 8:49pm
It is for the children benefit that both parents will agree at least on the main things or at least compromise
NancySV1
August 21st, 2018 10:29pm
Its very common for spouses to disagree on how to raise children, both the husband and wife were raised differently. If there is a stale mate in how to raise your children, try to compromise, take a little advice from your husband and he take a little advice from you. Some things may work better than you think, and other things may not. Raising children is difficult, being a united in the parenting can make it a bit easier. Talk to each other early and often about the decisions you both want to make on raising your children. It will be ok in the long run if you and your husband disagree on some things, but make sure you agree on whats most important to you both. Having happy and healthy children.