How can I stop thinking my parents' divorce influences my actual love relationships?
Last Updated: 04/10/2018 at 4:15am
Tracy-Kate Teleke, M.A., LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
I assist adults and couples in CA experiencing relationship challenges and interpersonal struggles including anxiety, depression, and a myriad of other life challenges.
Top Rated Answers
You are you. You are not another version of anybody in your life. I have always thought my marriage would probably end up like my parents' - having a divorce after years of lies, cheating, anger, cries, disappointment, etc. However, I am married to the love of my life who treats me with respect, gives me hope, and most importantly, I am married to someone who I can be my true self with him. I think the most effective way is to realise what made our parents separate from each other and learn from the mistakes. This won't be a one-day process but something that we have to work on.
I think in some ways you need to seperate your own experiences from theirs and be aware that there are a so many different factors will have contributed to the divorce even if maybe one predominates. Every relationship is unique and history is not doomed to repeat itself but having the outlook it will is only going to hinder you. If you are already in a relationship it might also be worth speaking to your current partner about this - they might be a great source of support.
Everything we encounter effects us at some point, there is no way that we can escape this. However, we can allow people a fair chance and not make decisions based on the relationships/choices of others. Not every relationship that we are in will have the same result as another.
Well technically it actually does influence your actual love relationships. So thinking about this is a good thing. Now what you need to do is understand how it affects it and how to change so it affects it less. It's psychological fact our parents relationships affects us. It get's programmed into our subconscious, we feel that we will follow their foot steps. It's pretty complex and intricate. It goes along the lines that we become our parents. So to step away from that, you need to consciously choose to be different, and educate yourself in awareness and understanding of healthy relationships that were not mirrored to you when you were younger. We can be successful if we didn't grow up in success with out getting the tools do so if we didn't grow up being given the tools.
Actually, I think maybe it might be better to own the fact that the closest relationship you know of, your parent's, does influence your thinking. The question then is how?
You have to remember that you are not your parents. Learn from the mistakes they made, ask them what went wrong, then use that to help your relationships grow.
Parents choose the way they want their life to go, but their divorce has nothing to do with you. They just fell out of love and that is okay sometimes. people fall apart sometimes, and its not your fault. You wont be like them if you don't want to be so just be able to find love its okay and divorces are not hereditary!
This is a hard one. Many people grow up in some shadow/or ways of their parents weather good or bad. Have you thought of seeing a therapist and talking things out? Or even sharing with your parents how their divorce has affected you?
You can stop thinking about your parents divorce influencing your love relationship by talking to them about this issue and work through it together or separating divorce and your relationship to separate groups if you can.
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