I slept with a guy I've loved for 3 years, but he had a girlfriend. She doesn't know and he doesn't want me to tell her. He'll hate me if I do. I want to keep him in my life and let her know the truth. Any advice?
Last Updated: 04/05/2019 at 5:52pm
Lauren Abasheva, LMHC
Licensed Professional Counselor
A sex positive, and kink knowledgeable therapist with an open mindset and a clear understanding that we are all different.
Top Rated Answers
I’m afraid you would have no other choice than to tell this girl. I don’t know any of you, so I can’t assume you or this guy’s character. But I will ask you this, if you had a boyfriend and he cheated on you for a friend he's known for over 3 years, wouldn’t you want to know? Cheating is something you should never overlook. This girl is the innocent party here, she doesn’t even know what her boyfriend is up to when he leaves. And this, in my opinion, is very sad. I strongly believe that a cheater should never be protected. He has a girlfriend, God knows how many other people he has treated on her with. In a relationship, both partners must be faithful. That’s what, I believe, makes a strong and long-lasting relationship. I know you love this person, maybe that’s why you’re not seeing what me or many others might see. But cheaters should never be protected. Yes, when this girl discovers that her boyfriend is cheating, there would be heart-wrenching emotional effects. But it would prevent him from doing this again since he was caught. If you decide to stay silent and let this go unseen, then he would feel invisible and go on with his cheating tendencies. Again, I don’t know any of you, so I don’t know your characters. I’m just telling you from my experience and from what I’ve seen time and time again. I have no advice to help you keep this man in your life. If you keep contact with him, then it’s highly likely that you might have other sexual contacts. You must ask yourself this, what would you want someone in your position to do? Take a minute, look deep inside of your heart. Deep, deep, deep down. Instead of thinking about your relationship with this guy, take a minute and put yourself in this girl’s shoes. I know you are a smart person and I know you would never want someone to do this to you. The decision is ultimately in your hands.
You slept with a guy you've loved for three years and he has a girlfriend. Whether she was in the picture before or after these three years is neither here nor there. If he felt the same wouldnt he have left her to be with you. Is that someone you really want to invest in? If he can cheat on his girlfriend and keep that from her, that says a lot about his character. Imagine if he did that to you. Is that someone you want to be with. Also ask yourself how would you feel if someone slept with your boyfriend. Sometimes we have self reflect about our actions and how they affect others.
Had as in they broke up? My advice is to talk to him. If he is still with her, she deserves the truth. If he is with you now, tell him you feel like she needs to be told the truth and apologize for it. If he does not want to tell her just cause he feels bad or guilty then maybe it is time to find someone else to love. 3 years might seem like a long time but it sounds like part of that he was seeing someone else. You don't want to keep pining over someone if they are not with you or do not want to be with you. You deserve to treat yourself better.
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