When I'm angry, why do I always feel the need to hurt myself?

307 Answers.
Last Updated: 05/21/2018 at 6:57pm
When I'm angry, why do I always feel the need to hurt myself?
★ This question about Self-Harm was starred by a moderator on 5/12/2016.
Top Rated Answer
November 21st, 2014 8:39pm
You feel everything is your fault. You cannot take it out on the other person so you take it out on yourself. You hate yourself for what you've done, so you feel the need to hurt yourself.
Newest Answer
May 21st, 2018 6:57pm
Personally, I do it because I like the pain, and it keeps me grounded when I’m angry. Instead of hurting others physically, i do it to myself and just say hurtful things.

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Top Rated Answers
December 25th, 2014 7:08am
Many people turn to self harm as a form of control when they are experiencing something they feel they are unable to control, such as intense emotions.
July 21st, 2018 1:04am
Looking for answers on the internet...we've all been there. I just want you to know you don't have to figure this out on your own. I know this might not be something you want to discuss with your friends or family, but if you join this site you can get free, anonymous support from trained listeners and a huge support community. Nobody is here to judge.
December 7th, 2014 7:11am
Often when we are experiencing extreme emotions such as anger, we may feel the need to do something which allows us a moment of calm or relief. Sometimes hurting oneself results in a release of endorphins or "happy hormones" which give us this relief.
November 21st, 2014 10:09pm
My self-harm was also very tied in with anger. For me, I did not allow myself to express my anger outward, and I invalidated my feelings to an extent that I didn't think there was even any reason to talk about things because they 'weren't real'. Also, I did not express my feelings/distress in a healthy and frequent manner so they built up to a point where I was going to explode at someone - and it was either myself or others. Because I felt it was unacceptable to throw things or hit people, I hurt myself (which I considered a better or totally fine solution). It took a long time for me to re-learn how to manage distress and anger, but one of the first and most important things I tried (for me) was journaling and drawing and seeing a counselor. Those three things gave me private places to express and explore my feelings. I still got angry and hurt myself for a while (I had to learn DBT and CBT skills before I really recovered) but verbalizing my feelings and exploring where they originated was a critical first step to understanding what was going on in my head and heart.
June 19th, 2015 7:41pm
I struggle with this sometimes on a daily basis. I would want to take my anger out on myself because I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems or my anger itself. I would feel guilty for having people try to help me.
December 20th, 2014 4:07am
Well, multiple reasons, one has to do with control. When we feel we have to control over our lives and the direction it is headed, we self-injure as a way to take perceived control, as in "I can control what I do with my own body at least." But that idea is a façade. You are actually losing control when you self-injure. Another reason has to do with not having a coping mechanism to deal with a flood of overwhelming emotions. The concept of cutting when in pain is actually more universal than one might think. A lot of tribal cultures self-mutilate after the death of a loved one to show that they are grieving. I think that people want the internal pain to match their external. It's a way of crying out for help. But it isn't healthy. It's an endless cycle. When you self-mutilate you create a permanent reminder of your pain - and then looking at the scars will take you back to the same state - as in, "oh my, I can't believe what I did to myself" and make you want to cut again because you can't contain the guilt that you feel - when instead you should focus more on the positives and not sink into the cycle. Once you start, it can be very difficult to stop. I suggest finding alternative/healthy coping mechanisms, such as writing as a form of release, or exercising when you feel depressed, or any other hobby that sparks passion in you and that you find stress-relieving. It helps more than you know. Take that emotion and direct it toward something more productive and healthy that you can feel good about.
July 25th, 2015 4:24pm
Self-harm releases hormones known as endorphines - which reduce the sensation of pain, relieve stress in the body, reduce blood pressure, boost self esteem and simultaneously act as a trigger for positive feelings within both the body and brain (like morphine).
November 22nd, 2014 11:08am
You feel like punishing yourself for something or you want to release all that anger on something so you decide to hurt yourself. but honestly, it will lead you nowhere. hurting yourself will only affect you, no one else
July 30th, 2015 10:38pm
Depression and anger are linked. It's possible that your anger is actually sadness. Another thing might be that you feel guilty for being angry. It's is perfectly ok to be angry. It is just another emotion.
December 18th, 2014 4:30am
I guess its because when we are angry we tend to do things on impulse. And sometimes we feel like the anger on the inside has to be taken out and thus we hurt ourselves physically. I guess its because when its taken out physically, we feel like its something we can control. The things that make us angry might be things we cannot control, such as family problems, self-hate and such.
November 23rd, 2014 8:03pm
Sometimes I do it for the pain, either because I want feel numb and just want to feel something, or simply to punish myself. Sometimes I am comforted by the sight of my own blood .. I wasn't allowed to cry when they were younger, and blood has replaced tears for me, or it is otherwise symbolic somehow of "getting rid of the pain." For people who are victims or survivors of physical or sexual abuse or molestation, it may be a way to "reclaim" their body, a pain that they can control, or a way to stop flashbacks or keep myself from dissociating.
July 17th, 2015 10:58am
You feel everything is your fault. You cannot take it out on the other person so you take it out on yourself.
November 21st, 2014 6:54pm
it's a way to cope with feelings. feeling physical pain can help you feel more real, more in control of your body, calmer (there is also a biological explanation for this connected with endorphine release). it's also a way for showing what you're feeling inside on the outside.
July 12th, 2015 5:11pm
Because you feel helpless, that no one can help, therefore you hurt yourself, because you need somebody to listen, to care and by hurting yourself you feel that you will get the attention you need to help you deal with the emotions and problems you are having to deal with.
August 6th, 2015 6:01pm
To release the pain because you can find no resolution and you're so built up with rage at that time therefore you inflict pain on yourself to let out your anger.
May 22nd, 2017 5:05am
Sometimes people hurt themselves as a way to focus their anger, some people do it so others may be able to see their pain and help them, and others do it because they feel that they need to be punished for something. If you are doing this, you should seriously consider seeking professional help. Stay safe.
January 4th, 2015 6:21am
when youre feeling certain emotions, they can seem like theyre out of control. self harm is a negative coping skill that can often bring back that feeling of control. however, you could also be using it as a punishment for feeling those emotions.
June 26th, 2015 3:58pm
Anger is the worst enemy to your soul. One might be angry due to several reasons. But, it eventually leads to bad situations. It blocks your positive thoughts, your mind and it disables you to think clearly. So, you see life as some in vain opportunity. You feel like a loser due to all this. You shall start to compare your life with others. So, you start harming yourself.
July 16th, 2015 4:03pm
Only you can know the answer to why you feel the need to react that way, but you don't have to do that to yourself. Your body is important, strong and beautiful. When you're angry try to figure out what's going on inside instead of taking it out on yourself. You deserve better for yourself
August 31st, 2015 7:00pm
you may feel there need to hurt yourself because you dont know were to turn to for help as you feel lost /trapped
July 16th, 2015 8:19pm
When you're angry, and have to keep it to yourself, your impulse may be to harm yourself to take out your anger, as a way of expressing the emotion you are forced to repress. Self-harm is a serious problem for many adolescents & adults, but the good thing is that self-harm can be overcame with positive coping methods. 7cups.com/self-harm/
December 31st, 2015 6:01pm
Because that's how frustrated you are. But please don't do it anymore. I don't know you but I do know you're beautiful!
June 11th, 2015 3:43am
In my experience with self-harm, I believe that one needs to hurt themselves when angry because it's an easy release to quickly calm oneself down. It can become an impulse. The uptight feeling of being angry needs to escape somehow, so I think that's why some people self-harm.
August 8th, 2015 5:07pm
We know hurting others is out of the question, yet we have to channel the anger somewhere. We hurt ourselves because we think it's better for us to get hurt than somebody else. In other words, we are just being super kind to others when we can't control our emotions. When feeling angry, it is important to remember that we have to take care of ourselves no matter what and no one would wish for us to get hurt whatever the circumstances.
August 12th, 2015 4:30am
One reason is because you feel the need to show physical pain to release your emotion, but you cant hurt anyone else, so you decide that the best person to hurt is yourself.
August 15th, 2015 1:53pm
Anger is such a hard emotion to deal with, and often one that we are taught to suppress instead of express in productive way! The problem with suppressing anger is that it builds up inside and can create a lot of tension and confusion within yourself. Anger, and all emotions, need to be expressed somehow! With anger though, it can be one of the most intense emotions, and without knowing how to deal with it, it can become very internalised and many peoples only technique in dealing with it is to harm themselves as a sort of release! It is not wrong that you think this way, it is natural to want to clear yourself of the pent up anger, but there are definitely more safe and productive ways, they just need to be learnt and tried! And thats where out beautiful listeners can come in, alongside any further professional help that may be necessary to teach you how to express your emotions safely!
July 12th, 2015 8:12pm
Angry is usually a function of lack of perceived control over a situation. Harming ourselves is something that we do that allows us to feel totally in control of the situation, the actions involved and the outcome.
July 4th, 2015 4:42am
Well you feel like that because you need to get your emotions out, but it's not the best thing to do.
July 31st, 2015 7:31pm
When you get angry, the anger can only really go in two directions. Outwards, in which case you inflict the anger on somebody else, or inwards, in which case you inflict the anger on yourself. It might be because nobody else is around to receive it, or because you don't want to hurt others, but internalising the anger can lead to all sorts of reactions, self-harm is one. I personally believe the best step is to recognise these moments, and try to defuse them after the anger has started, but before the harm begins.
June 19th, 2015 4:51am
It's a way to canalize your pain. You rather feel physical pain than emotional/psychological pain because you feel that you can't handle your thoughts anymore.
July 15th, 2015 12:19am
When we let our emotions take control of our mind and body, we feel the urge to hur ourselves physically, so then the physical pain will be bigger than your feelings. But that doesn't work, because usually after you hurt yourself, the guilty feeling arrives and it just knocks everything down. So everything time you feel the need to hurt yourself try to do something you love, listen to music (but not something that could be a trigger), read your favorite book, watch your favorite movie/TV show, cuddle with your pet or a stuffed bear, and if you want to, cry, just cry those feelings out. Please, don't hurt yourself.
August 15th, 2015 3:42am
Anger is a strong emotion, one that can be quite dangerous. I always feel the need to hurt myself beause I need an escape, something to get all of the anger out. Self harm ohysically shows pain, cutting things is a way to relieve stress and anger. It's just unfortunate that we often look to our own bodies first before any other items.
August 16th, 2015 6:58pm
Sometimes it's a defensive mechanism. Maybe you feel like it's your fault and it triggers you to cause pain to yourself because you don't know how to solve the issue.
August 16th, 2015 11:53am
Anger can affect different people in different ways. If you feel that you need to hurt yourself when you're angry, you may need to learn a bit more about what makes you angry and ways to stay away from situations that make you angry. It also may be worth doing some research on different ways to manage anger for if the situation is unavoidable.
August 16th, 2015 11:55am
Because we've learnt to take out our anger on ourselves as that's the only option we've had left, but it's up to you to change that cycle. It's not easy, but it makes life so much easier.
January 9th, 2016 6:24am
Sometimes, people are unable to control the things that trigger a person to feel upset. Harming yourself is something you can control, so I believe people harm themselves to feel more in control of themselves.
September 29th, 2016 9:55am
Either the pain causes endorphines to block the feeling, creating an addiction, or because you feel guilty to have gotten angry with someone, or because you do feel like breaking the face of someone but in order not to break them you preffer to damage yourself, However you are not angry, you are peace,you are love, you are compassion ,you are undrstanding, and you by understanding yourself, you will realize, that you do not need to self harm not to harm anyone, if you know how to deal with the root of this anger.
June 21st, 2015 9:30am
I used to feel the need to hurt myself as an expression of how I felt inside. Sometimes, because of the built up of emotions, I would just have an outburst that resulted in a bad injury. The self harm was done during periods of extreme anger. I really think that we need to express how we feel and if we don't express tiny bits and pieces now and then, talk about what;s bothering us, our emotional problems, they might manifest sooner or later as a form of self harm.
July 12th, 2015 4:03pm
Generally in my experiences with self harm it was to forget the emotions I was going through and to distract myself from how I felt. Also, for me, when I was angry I wanted to hurt something and I chose to hurt myself because I felt like somehow I deserved the pain. But after a while of using self harm as a coping mechanism it became more like an addiction, where I was self harming over literally nothing but feeling a little bummed out.
July 15th, 2015 3:15am
Anger is often related to frustration. And when someone feels either of those, one starts to feel restless and confined. If you want to hurt yourself, it's because you feel like the thing you're angry about is your fault. When I feel angry and want to hurt myself, usually it's because I want to release my anger without breaking an object and without hurting others.
July 16th, 2015 4:13am
I think anger is one of the most controlling feelings you can have. Maybe when you're angry all the other emotions show up to the family reunion.
December 20th, 2015 12:10pm
In a life with disability, anger and resentment follow each other in a clouded thought that hurting myself is nearly a illusion. When I want to hurt myself, it's hollow. As an extremist to stay alive, my life becomes contentment and learning not to hurt myself has become a type of happiness.
December 26th, 2015 4:38pm
I think this is because we are angry with ourselves.. even if we don't know it. Furthermore, we don't want to hurt others so we hurt ourselves instead.
January 6th, 2016 3:43am
Anger us a difficult emotion to feel and go through for most of us. Lashing out verbally or physically is what most people think of but for those of us who react inwardly and use methods such as self harm to cope it is common to express that anger by harming ourselves. Maybe it is impossible to direct our anger at the cause or we feel guilty for even feeling angry in the first place. Understanding and validating your feelings in the first place is important - why do you feel the way you do right now? Is there something you can do about the situation that angers you? Can you write an angry letter and dispose of it? Work through your thoughts and feelings? Talk it through with someone? Can you do some physical exercise work off that angry tension? Scream punch a pillow? Is there an alternative to self harming which may perpetuate your feelings? Anger as with all emotions is temporary its a wave - allow yourself the time, space and compassion to ride it out.
January 30th, 2016 4:46pm
Self harm may be used as a form of control, especially if a person feels that they're in an uncontrollable situation. It might also calm the person, taking away the displeasure of experiencing intense emotions. I used to self harm whenever I became angry because I felt that it was a good way to release my emotions. It wasn't a very healthy outlet, and I should've found better ways to calm myself.
June 4th, 2016 2:56pm
When you're angry your mind always resorts to pain. You're feeling all this frustration and stress so whats a little more going to do to you? Harming yourself with absolutely never be the answer, but your mind might tell you that its the only way to relieve stress, but its most definitely not. Take a walk, talk to somebody, let it out, never resort to hurting yourself.
October 12th, 2016 7:00pm
Because you think it's the only solution left, you dont feel the need to calm yourself or there is so much pain that consumes you
July 12th, 2015 10:07am
Because you feel like it's the way to let your anger out. I used to hurt myself a lot because i thought it helped me feel better. But needless to say it was not worth it.
August 12th, 2015 5:04pm
It's natural to feel like you want to take your anger out on something and feel relieved afterwards, but there are safer and more effective ways of releasing your anger than harming yourself. For example, punching a pillow, going for a walk, exercising using equipment (e.g. in a gym), talking about your anger, or writing it down. :)
January 3rd, 2016 7:32am
I believe this deals with needing a way to channel through whatever you're going through. Anger is usually accompanied with violence, and in some cases, that violence to yourself alludes you believe you feel better. I recommend finding a new method, such as something like running, boxing, or meditating, to signal your feelings out.
January 14th, 2016 9:46pm
I think you are looking for a way to let your anger out and if there is no one else around, you let it out on yourself.
January 21st, 2016 5:35pm
Because you feel like getting the anger out. Hurting is not a solution, instead talk it out. It helps
January 24th, 2016 11:25pm
When we get angry, there's always a reason that got us to that point, right? There's some sort of trigger that makes us think, " why in the heck does this have to happen to me?" The adrenaline that comes with anger, well it affects people differently. Some people want to hurt objects- or people- while others want to hurt themselves. It's just the pain of being hurt and wanting to focus it else where I suppose, but the truth of the matter is that it will never help you. All you're doing is causing yourself double the pain that had originally made you so irate. If you're angry, write it out. Write an angry, passionate letter and just keep typing until suddenly what caused that rage makes sense or you run out of reasons to explain why you're so angry. It's alright to not be content all the time, no one is, but don't settle for constant displeasure. Fight for yourself.
January 27th, 2016 10:23pm
Hurting yourself gives you some release. It makes you feel like you are in control because you cant control the pain or anger that you are feeling.
January 30th, 2016 2:23am
When Im angry, I feel the need to hurt myself. I think for me, its because its the only way I learned how to cope with the anger without hurting someone else.
February 4th, 2016 7:14am
We tend to blame ourselves for problems we don't know how to fix which, ends up getting up frustrated. We think hurting ourselves will make our anger go away.
January 31st, 2016 9:00pm
Usually when a person is angry and they want to hurt themselves its mostly because they cant take their anger out elsewhere. When you get angry and feel that need, writing the thoughts and the feelings down helped me a lot when i was going through that same problem, after i wrote it down if i was still angry i would flush the paper in bits down the toilet and i would be calm by then. If you do not flush it down the toilet you could always keep a journal where you have all the times you have been mad.
February 6th, 2016 8:52pm
What you state is a great feeling of helplessness. Try channeling that helplessness using a stress ball or performing tasks breathing .
February 10th, 2016 5:28pm
This might be because self harm releases endorphin's that tend to relieve you and make you feel more relaxed. It may also be because you feel like whatever has angered you was your fault so you take it out on yourself.
Recent Answers
March 29th, 2017 1:55am
I used to feel the same way when I would be angry. I realized it was because I was angry at myself than I was angry at anything else so all I wanted to do was cause myself more pain than anything else. Take a step back and think about it clearer now, are you angry at yourself or at something else?
March 22nd, 2017 12:45am
Because you don't know how to deal with the anger. Everything inside of you is burning and because you don't know how to let it out, you choose to hurt yourself, imagining that all the anger is fading away. The pain actually calms you down.
January 26th, 2017 5:57am
I think you feel the need to hurt yourself because the physical pain hurts a lot less than the emotion and mental pain you feel inside. But hurting yourself is never the answer and there is always a more beneficial and helpful way to cope with those harsh feelings.
January 19th, 2017 2:54am
When people get angry, we mainly get the idea that we aren't worth much. I strongly suggest though you don't harm yourself in any way because you will eventually look back on it and regret harming yourself when you're mad. The best thing to do is to calm yourself down first, and reflect on what made you mad just so you know why it's not worth harming yourself.
December 30th, 2016 1:46am
When we don't feel we're worth being expressed, we tend to impress ourselves negatively using pain, because that's what we sometimes feel we deserve. With this low self-esteem, anger brings along with it negative impacts, such as self-harm.
December 8th, 2016 1:39pm
In some cases, it's because you feel to need to punish yourself. In others, it's your cope mechanism, or a way to deal with something. If that's the case, I'd recommend finding a different way to deal with your problems rather than hurting yourself.
December 2nd, 2016 3:20pm
If you are angry, you probably think that hurting yourself will take way the emotional pain. You resort to physical pain when you no longer want to feel emotional pain.
November 25th, 2016 10:25am
Anger is a very powerful emotion that cannot always be controlled by one's mind. Bottling up anger and not looking for healthy ways of dealing with it might result in your mind looking for any possible way of release. In this case, hurting yourself. It is always wise and safe to learn how to deal with powerful emotions like anger, before the tension accumulated could result in extreme acts.
November 9th, 2016 1:19pm
You feel this way because you have nothing else to take it out on. And sometimes you may feel angry about yourself or think it is your problem for whatever had happened. Try getting a pillow, punching bag or a stress ball, or even talk it out with someone. Could be more helpful and leave you unharmed.
November 5th, 2016 10:05pm
When you get angry, your body releases hormones that make you very emotional. You will try and do anything that will take your mind off of it and release your anger. Often, the satisfaction of hurting yourself will encourage yourself to do it again. Overcoming this is difficult, but the best way is by releasing your anger somewhere else, perhaps by drawing or doing something else you love.
November 5th, 2016 9:57am
Whenever I'm angry I tend to have the urge to hurt myself. That's because I have the need to punish myself for failing. For getting people's hopes up. And for a billion more reasons.
November 5th, 2016 4:03am
it is easier to hurt yourself than to hurt others.
October 23rd, 2016 10:29pm
Anger normally results in the need to hurt something because taking your anger out on something help calms you down. If you're the kind of person that does not like to hurt others or you're a masochist, you will probably feel the need to hurt yourself.
October 22nd, 2016 6:20am
I understand this feeling very well and battle with it quite often myself. Based on my experiences, I feel like the anger comes from a place of misguided self-defense. It may be a mechanism you are putting in place to not have to deal with the anger. When you are angry, do you also feel any secondary emotions? Sometimes a person can feel guilty for their rage.. like it is wrong or pointless in some way. Instead of facing an issue that seems too daunting and seemingly impossible to deal with, we respond by hurting ourselves to beat back the overflow of emotions. Some people do it to calm themselves as pain may give you a feelings of "resetting" your mind and emotions. Some people self harm to feel again when you are feeling cold or numb inside. I have also heard that some people self harm to stop themselves from lashing out at others whether physically or verbally. Maybe inside, you feel like you deserve the pain. But trust me, you don't. The need to hurt yourself may be strong but it is definitely not right. There are many coping methods out there and hopefully both of us can find a method that will help us handle our emotions.
October 21st, 2016 3:34pm
You feel the need to hurt yourself because you need to take out your aggression in some form. Hurting yourself is not the safest way to get your anger out. I suggest breathing exercises or taking part in an activity that you find joyful.
October 13th, 2016 12:58pm
You feel angry but mostly from yourself. Things that triggered your anger may somehow be connected about you.
October 12th, 2016 10:28pm
I think that for a lot of people, the pain distracts them from whatever is really bothering them. For me, it wasn't really like that, but more of a stress release so that I could focus on something that wasn't hurting me so much. I felt a lot more emotional than physical pain.
October 5th, 2016 2:36pm
I'm going to say this again. We except the pain we think we deserve. I know that I feel like this sometimes, but it's only normal to feel like that. Okay not normal, but it's okay I guess you could say. Some people have a hard time showing their feelings, like when we're mad we cry or want to hurt ourselves like you said
October 2nd, 2016 7:56pm
I think the same way it's just natural I tend to just think positive and keep my head up and so should you love because no matter what your special in else's someone's eyes
September 16th, 2016 12:25pm
because someone is hurting you and it feels as if you need to let the pain out so you will tend to want to put the pain into hurting yourself
September 11th, 2016 5:03pm
For my personal experiences I think it's because you're desperated, you are filled with anger and stress and you probably have no one to blame it on or you don't know who to blame for your bad mood. So you blame yourself. Or you don't even know why are you so angry and that makes you feel even more mad at you. You don't think straight and you feel like everything's your fault.
August 2nd, 2016 12:48am
Maybe without realizing it, you are angry at yourself and you feel like you can't take that anger out on anyone else. So your mind turns it on yourself, and you may want to "punish" yourself.
July 18th, 2016 11:08am
when you are angry you automatically want to let it out which is quite normal. some would like to show it on others while some would feel like breaking things...some people also feel like harming themselves as that anger would soon evaporate and sympathy on oneself would arise.
June 13th, 2016 8:23am
It is common for people to have the urge to hit, hurt something when they're angry. The urge to hurt yourself means that you realizes that hurting others is not a good thig, but your craving is not satisfied. I suggest you to distract yourself, or writing all of your feelings, or just pouring it all out with your mouth.
June 9th, 2016 11:54pm
It relieves mental pain to inflict physical pain. It helps you focus on somethinother than the fact that your upset.
June 9th, 2016 8:46am
Sometimes we need to express that angry energy, so it can come out in many forms. Physical excertion releases this, but if that is unavailable we sometimes turn to other things, such as self harm, to "numb" this pain/anger.
June 7th, 2016 11:10am
I think its a way to cope with all the feelings inside of you and letting them out and making yourself feeling more relax. When you don't know how to make yourself feel better na dletting out all that anger, you feel like you want to hurt yourself. Especially if you have thoughts of being failed in life or have bad confidence all that anger inside of you turns against yourself.
June 5th, 2016 9:48am
Sometimes when I've experienced anger, it's because I made what I thought was a big mistake. So I'm upset with myself. Maybe I'm embarrassed or experiencing a memory of being told in the past that I was an embarrassment. There have been times that the desire to punish myself was the thing I needed to do. So I'd hurt myself. At other times, I didn't want to feel that emotion, so I'd hurt myself. There could be a lot of reasons that someone might hurt themselves when angry, but in my experience it is the emotions under the anger that are creating the feeling that i need to hurt me.
May 17th, 2016 6:10pm
Self-harm may have become your automatic reaction to any kind of situations, whether it is to relieve pain or to give yourself more pain because you think you deserve it.
February 12th, 2016 4:44am
Hurting yourself is there to actually release the intense emotion that you have between yourself and the situation that makes you angry. I would instead try to take a couple of deep breaths and let the angry slow down before responding.