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Why do you hurt yourself more when someone else has already hurt you?

11 Answers
Last Updated: 12/23/2019 at 1:49pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Brenda King, PsyD


I treat life changes, women’s issues, and issues of aging using evidence-based treatments with healthy doses of warmth, empathy and humor to enhance healing and growth.

Top Rated Answers
February 20th, 2016 10:34am
when someone else hurts me i can not do anything about if he or she hurt me when i know its not my fault and they hurt me without my fault so i think i can do nothing with them i mean i can not hurt them back because it will hurt me more so why not hurt myself and it will take away that anger built up inside me because of them
May 11th, 2015 4:38pm
When you hurt yourself it's on your own terms. Self harm can also feel like a quick relief at first, and then you become addicted. When you hurt yourself you may feel like you are in control, where as if someone else does it, you may feel out of control.
December 13th, 2016 6:44am
It's actually about recreating the trauma to feel more in control of both events. If psychologically and unconsciously you can convince yourself that you had control over the trauma by harming yourself further, you will have put your mind at ease by subconsciously accepting that you will have more control over future traumatic events, and you may have a shot at continuing your life without ever encountering trauma again– since you're the one that's in control.
January 27th, 2015 1:12am
Sometimes, when you've been hurt once, it's easier to think that you deserved to be hurt than to think that somebody decided to hurt you. And if you deserved to be hurt, then you should keep hurting yourself.
June 1st, 2015 9:29am
You feel as if its your fault, and that it will make the pain of them hurting you go away for a little bit when you hurt yourself
March 28th, 2017 4:47am
When we are hurt by someone, we tend to have a huge buildup of emotions, emotions that tend to lean towards the negative side, such as anger, resentment, annoyance, frustration and so on. When someone is not familiar with coping strategies that can help release those trapped emotions in calmer ways, they tend to find something I like to call "A quick fix"- an easy way to release the built up emotions. And that negative coping strategy usually involved hurting ourself, emotionally or physically,. Emotionally - through guilt and a maintained feeling of pain. Physically some may cope through self-harm or neglecting your bodies needs.
November 30th, 2017 3:43am
Punishment. You feel like you deserve it. The pain throughout the length of time the cut/bruise/burns are there remind you how bad you were.
July 9th, 2018 6:00am
People tend to beat themselves down because the other person that hurt them could've made one feel worthless, unloved, etc. Depending on the person, words and actions can deeply impact how they view themselves.
July 30th, 2019 3:45am
You feel this way because when you have been hurt you basically 'beat yourself up' because part of you blames yourself for what has happened. You question yourself, should I have said this, could I have done that... You think of every other possible outcome to the situation and this is how we hurt ourselves more. The truth is we cannot control someone else's choices/actions but we always blame ourselves for their choices/actions. Once we accept that that we are not responsible for other peoples and no matter what we would have or could have done differently it is possible their choice/action would have remained the same, then we can stop beating ourselves up and begin to move forward with our lives.
October 27th, 2015 2:33am
Cause most of the time, if that person means a lot to you, and if they hurt you bad enough, you're likely to put yourself down, and stress over the situation. Whether it be overthinking the situation, or making the situation worse, and in turn, making it harder on yourself.
December 23rd, 2019 1:49pm
Because you feel like you may deserve it, that this person acted this way with you because you did something wrong, or even said something wrong, so maybe being treated like that is what you deserve. You can also not be used to get affection and a healthy treatment due to past relationships or even past friendship. Sometimes we get closer to people not healthy for us and we don't want to let go, so we just let them hurt us until either the friendship ends or that you are too broken to do anything. Anyway, you do deserve to be treated right, you are worth it