My boyfriend is turned on by thinking of me cheating on him. He feels bad for that. What can I do to get his thoughts changed?
Last Updated: 11/25/2020 at 5:19am
Andrea Tuck, LCPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
I tackle and discuss a multitude of social and emotional health issues. I have a belief that through empowerment and non-judgmental support clients' can thrive.
Top Rated Answers
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change his thoughts. People are turned on by different things. The fact that he has shared this with you says that he trusts you with this information and feels free to be vulnerable with you. It is great that you have this kind of relationship. Many couples find it better to discuss their fantasies with each other. Some of these can be explored within the couple if both members are okay with this. The purpose of discussing what you want in the bedroom is not to convince the other person of what you should be doing. But rather to share your wants and desires, see if they are something that you share as a couple, and having an open dialogue about the sexual aspect of the relationship. It is not shameful for couples to discuss their sexual life as it is a part of the relationship. It is not a negative thing if you do not wish to engage in the behaviour that your partner thinks about. However, your partner should also be okay with this and mutual respect is crucial. There should be no pressure to engage in behaviours that you are not comfortable with. Many couples can still have healthy relationships and sex lives even if they do not fulfill every one of each other’s desires and fantasies. Good luck in your relationship!
How do you first of all feel about this? Have you questioned your connection to the idea? Is it something that interest you, may interest you, or something you are totally against? Ask him if it’s real what he means or just him joking around. Sometimes people have these sexual fantasies, but in reality that is all they are, they will actually never try to make it happen. This also gives you an opportunity to truly find out together your deepest true sexual kinks as a couple. Now if it’s something y’all agree on it can grow to something better, if it’s not you are learning something new over your relationship.
You need to talk to him about this. What exactly is it that turns him on about this phantasy? Does he wanna feel powerless? Does he wanna feel like he has a girlfriend, that is very popular by other guys? The other question is, why he feels guilt. Does he want to push you into cheating on him? Or does he feel guilty by being turned on by those thoughts? You need to be clear how you feel about it and tell him. That could help him either accept those thoughts or to get rid of them. Good luck!