BlueEyedBaby01 Member Profile

...See more My husband (44) of 22yrs moved out a month ago to stay at his mom's saying he needed time to decide if I(43)/the marriage is worth the effort. No fight occurred . Our marriage had been emotionally distant for a while and threats of divorce used to be fairly frequent. He isn't a bad guy but has poor communication and coping skills that have lead to some emotionally abusive behavior throughout our marriage. I never set boundaries either and accepted it so that's on me. We fell into a routine of me seeking connection and him feeling me expressing what I needed was a criticism so he felt attacked and withdrew. Over time I stopped looking to him for support and affection as much bc I didn't want to be rejected, didn't know how he would respond and didn't feel emotionally safe. Since leaving he's promised to return on certain days but then there's a reason he can't. He came home "for good" Sunday then changed his mind monday. I told him I couldn't continue this way. That I needed him in the house working on the marriage with me but I couldn't stay in ambiguity due to the hurt it caused. He said he needed to do therapy and"fix" himself prior to returning. I held my boundary (I used to beg and plead and I refuse to do that anymore) and he said he saw no other way than divorce as our timelines didn't match up even though he says that isn't what he wants. He says it's to hard to see and live with me when we aren't happy and he needs time to think and work on himself. The one boundary I set he continues to break. & Didn't seem concerned about the pain his choices cause me. I genuinely don't want him here if he doesn't love me and honestly I'm not over being told he has to think for a month on if I'm worth the effort or my questioning if he's talking to someone but I am gutted. I know some of it is just because we were together 22yrs but this hurts and I really don't have support. I found that he's been calling/video chatting with a number out of state several times daily since at least October. He always calls when he leaves for work in the morning. He said it's a male friend (who I do think he told me was moving to this state and I have seen him talk to). I called the number and got VM. Whoever it was told my husband bc he ask me about it shortly after. He dodged the question of who it was but finally stated he ask me not to see anyone and he wasn't either and that it was this friend not a female. All month he has sent mixed messages. He's said hurtful things, told me he didn't think I/the marriage was worth the effort, that i suffocate him bc I like to try to address and solve concerns and that he wants a divorce. But then if I don't text him he will text me. He's sent messages telling me he's sorry, he doesn't want to lose me and he loves me. He says he's returning but then there's an excuse. Yesterday I told him I could no longer be an option to someone who had been a priority to me. That I wasn't asking for a divorce at this moment but I could not guarantee how I would feel if and when he decided whatever he wanted to do and that I needed to start to heal so I really only wanted to communicate about our adult kids and bills. That he stated he needed time/space and he should take it. He said he understood and was sorry. I didn't text again. A few hours later he text telling me his whole life had been him being submissive and helping others when he was "dying inside and not mentally normal" and that he was done being around people who wanted him to be something he wasn't. I validated his feelings and ask if he were referring to me and he said just in general. He reinforced this had occured for 44yrs. I told him I hoped his therapy he said he was starting helped and that he found a way to be stable and ok bc he deserved that. I kept responses minimal. He text later telling me to sleep well and again this morning telling me to have a good day. ??? I don't understand the mixed signals at all! He has a pattern of getting his ego boosted with other women ( 3x in 22 years) one of the times we were separated for 3 weeks and the other two I found the texts and while they were not romantic or sexual he was still prioritizing the other women over time with me and stated it made him feel good to be able to help them.l while minimizing the pain it caused me. All of those instances were years ago. He also has a pattern of falling into episodes where he feels sorry for himself and takes everything as an attack. Tbh the fact that I haven't begged him to stay and to love me is likely one of the reasons this has went on so long. I have communicated my feelings and been vulnerable though and made to clear i was 100 in to work on it if he was. Until I set the boundary yesterday. I know he has some self esteem, depression and anxiety issues and a traumatic past and he's made a lot of progress. But that isn't an excuse for ignoring my pain or for treating me poorly. A part of me thinks I should wait just in case but the logical part of me is screaming he's made it clear what he wants with his actions and if we tried again the cycle would likely continue. I do fine at work but at home it's so hard. He's the one I talked to, texted etc. he's all I've known for so long and I'm scared divorce is a mistake but I'm scared it's a mistake to wait for him to figure it out. We were happy once ( with intermittent emotional outbursts on his part) so I think we could be again if we both wanted to be. I almost expect him to come back as that's been previous behavior but I'm scared I'll allow it and scared I won't and that either would be a mistake. I don't even know what I'm asking other than for opinions on if I'm doing the right thing holding that boundary, I feel like a month is more than enough time if he really wanted to be with me. Am I being naive giving him the benefit of a doubt with this number ? Is it ok to leave even if it may be mental health related or should I stay and support him instead ? Why am I even wondering all this when he hasn't cared too awful much about my feelings over the last month (but I am)? When does it gets easier not to automatically pick up the phone to call or text them, when does it gets easier in general? Any advice is welcome but please be kind. Thank you and sorry it's lengthy.

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