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Hello everyone! For starters I'd just like to get it out there what I'm by no means self-diagnosing here, I merely have suspicions about the possibility of having BPD, which my past therapist, and loved ones suspect as well. Big issue is, I'm terrified of talking about it (Just a heads up, this is going to be long, and is everywhere at points.)
I feel a lot of shame for the way I think, and the way that I feel. I wanna start with my relationships first. They've never been stable to say the least as it's been a constant up and down, especially since I attract harmful people. One moment, I love said person, specifically love intrests, then I hate them, and I mean genuinely despise them.
I go from "I love you so much, you mean everything to me", to " I don't know why I thought I ever needed you. You're horrible, I hate you more than anything, you repulse me. I don't even know why I keep you around." I've never said these things out loud because I know how much it would hurt the person, so I keep it to myself. At those time's I come off as standoffish, and distance myself for a bit so I don't lash out. This has become a constant cycle, and at some points I've almost cut off people because of the hatred I felt at that time.
Usually this happens when I feel rejected, or like the person is going to leave. I feel very distraught, and desperate then even if I have no reason to feel abandoned/rejected. It's a mix of hatred, a bit of self entitlement because I've changed everything about myself just for them, terror, hatred, sadness, and more. I've had panic attacks over the idea of being rejected/abandoned, and have admittedly done things to harm myself in order to keep the person around. I also have a tendency to shower them with love, and praises if I start to feel rejected/abandoned in order to make sure they don't leave.
Just like the constant "I love you, I hate you" cycle, I've never told the person that this is revolving around that I've hurt myself "because" of them, or that I'd hurt myself if they left me because I know it'd deeply hurt them for the rest of their life. I've had that done to me, and know how much it hurts.
I have a tendency to form really strong obsessions. As embarrassing as this is, I've formed strong obsessions with people I hardly know, have only seen once, and/or have never once interacted with. They become all I think about, I build a whole fantasy world with them, and I'll start to change myself to what I think they'd like more even if I've never interacted with them, and won't see them again. It's a full blown obsession which lasts till I find another person. It makes me feel so ashamed of myself. This especially happens if I form a bond with a person. Specifically, a love interest.
I wanna elaborate more on me changing myself for others. It's not intentional. I change myself into what I think they'd like most in order for them to love me/keep them around. I feel like I'm constantly playing a character, and this "character" can completely change depending on who I'm around because I pick up on their traits, personality, interests, and much more. I have a fragile sense of my identity to begin with, and utterly lose it in relationships. If you were too ask me who I am, what I like, what I dislike, what I want too do, etc, I couldn't tell you. Honestly, I only "know" when I have a romantic partner, but of course, that's only what I think they want, so that's what I become. It's not who I really am, and when they leave, I fall apart again.
The next thing I wanna talk about is my emotions/mood swings, oh my god, the mood swings. I go from feeling insanely happy, downright dangerous to myself, suffocatingly anxious, deep numbness, then furious very fast. To give some perspective of how severe they are, I have bipolar disorder, which makes this more confusing, and the mood swings are so bad that I think I'm in an episode. The thing is, they don't last long enough too be an episode because they last for minutes, hours, or a day or two which isn't long enough to be an episode. It's a mess.
The worst is my anger. I get agitated so fast it's unbelievably at times. I don't typically lash out because I usually hide somewhere I can be alone to calm down, but it's noticeable. I'm good at keeping it under control, but not much so when it comes to managing it if that makes sense? The most frustrating part is that I feel nothing despite feeling everything at the same time. I've always described it as having a hollow core, but feeling absolutely everything flesh up.
I have a long past of engaging in self destructive/impulsive tendencies (self harm, attempts on my life, eating disorders, substance issues, etc), and struggle with severe dissociation as well. There's much more, but this is already pretty long. It's all very confusing, and I know that if I don't get help, this is going to kill me. I feel lost right now. I want too get help, but I'm terrified too because I don't know what others will think of me. I'm very good at hiding all of this to the point where people are shocked when I tell them about this all, but it's tearing me apart on the inside. I wanna talk too my psychiatrist, but I don't know how.