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For the past three months, I've been feeling really numb after an extremely horrible and graphic trauma code. I've been having flashbacks almost everyday and nightmares every single night. Since I left the scene that day, its been stuck with me. "We could always leave the scene but the scene never leaves us" is what we always say and there doesn't exist a more accurate description. Once I was back from this call, covered in blood and ashes, I didn't want to talk about, look at myself nor acknowledge the fact that it happened. I didn't want to believe what I saw, I didn't want to remember what I heard, the screams, the sirens, the blood, limbs and organs which are far away from the body...this seemed impossible to me, impossible to forget, impossible to overcome, impossible that Id be the same person again, impossible to feel happy, impossible and impossible...that's all what I had in mind.
I talked to many people about that, here and in real life, people with similar experiences and I'm really thankful that they exist and I got to talk to them, no matter how much I thank them I wont be able to thank them enough.
To skip past most details, I woke up today morning to think about it again as I do almost every single day. I started thinking again of what do I exactly mean by wanting to "move on". Is it that I wanted to forget everything about? Well that is impossible! I realised that this was an experience and that I wouldn't like to forget an experience no matter how horrible it was. I realised that I never acknowledged that this is the type of experience I neededĀ to prepare myself for what's still to be coming. Now I feel so much better about it, especially the fact that I did my best to try and save all the victims. Its true that I didn't "succeed" in reviving them but there was nothing more to be done. I'm now certain I gave all what I could, and I got to experience something unique...in a bad way but I know I cant let this negatively affect anymore. That's life, not everything goes as we want it to, we cant save everyone and we cant do the impossible because after all I'm still a human.
So in conclusion, I now feel much better about it and yes I'm still numb but in a good way.