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How do I help explain to a parent that what I feel is valid after they reacted badly?

135 Answers
Last Updated: 03/19/2022 at 6:27am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Melissa Strauss, LPC

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I am client focused and believe everyone has a strength. I feel confident in seeing clients with generalized and social anxiety, depression and relational goals.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
July 2nd, 2016 6:54am
Maybe you could give it some time? Wait until you have all calmed down and the mood is right to bring it up again to discuss. They may also need time to digest what you have told them. I don't know what you told them but it is possible that they were taken by surprise or shocked which is why they reacted badly, maybe they need time to take it in :)
Anonymous
July 30th, 2017 8:06am
If you let your parents know that their behaviours are important to you and you value their care and respect - then expressing the negative ways that they have made you feel will be much easier. In my personal experience, showing my parents that they have hurtfully impacted me when I much rather respect when they encourage me allows for myself to validate how I honestly feel,
Anonymous - Expert in Depression
July 5th, 2016 10:03am
Give them time to cool off, show them maturity and show them you understand their perspective, bringing them to a sense of understanding will take a lot of time and effort, but its necessary
weirdblueberry05
August 9th, 2017 4:42pm
If I was you,I would try to make them understand that feelings are feelings. Sometimes you can't control the chemical reactions in your head about some specific situations. Based on a lot of things you will perceive certain situations in your own way. So it is your reality,they are valid. If it is ok with them try to tell them things that bother you and suggest something that would make you feel better. Also try to you sentences as "I feel..." not "You make me feel.." . I hope it works!:)
HopieRemi
July 9th, 2016 11:12am
You want to make sure you wait until your parent is calm because someone who isn't calm will not be able to understand what you are saying. Always remember to speak calmly and assert yourself so your message is taken seriously. Also try to speak in "I" statements rather than "you".
Millichidulinas
July 13th, 2016 12:13pm
Keep telling him/her what are your feelings and use a lot of details. Try to explain situation with your feelings and details.
MsYani
July 22nd, 2016 4:41pm
With a calm tone, ask your parents for time to be able to express your concerns and your hurt feelings without them interrupting. Tell them you need them to listen so you can explain why you feel they reacted badly. Explain that this certain matter is very important and concerning to you. And that even though they may feel or think that it is insignificant, remind them that to YOU it feel large and that you actually are seeking THEIR expertise on how to handle this situation. Let them know that if they shrug it off or react badly, YOU feel pushed aside or feel as if your problems are not important. This feelings might make you feel to not be able to express later on feelings or problems that may affect/impact your life on a greater scale.
Bri22
July 2nd, 2016 4:28am
Write a letter explaining how you feel in response to the situation as well as your emotions regarding the situation itself. Acknowledge you understand them too and reiterate what understanding you want them to get out of it too in a calm and reasoned manner.
courageousIris14
June 13th, 2018 2:39pm
Sit down with that parent and in a calm and relaxed manner, explain with them how you’re feeling after their bad behavior. I feel that always remaining calm and FOCUSED when approaching a parent, or anyone that’s hurt your feelings, is the best way to get your point across. Also, allow your parent to view their reasons for their behavior. LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. The best way to communicate in ANY fashion is to LISTEN and REALLY hear what is being said to you. Evaluate it. Digest it. Then access what and how your next move will be. Never worry about what YOU are going to say next. LISTEN. Hopefully you’ll achieve a positive conclusion after your explanation of your feelings.
LoverOfHappiness
August 6th, 2016 7:27am
It may seem not fair, but asking for their reason as to why they reacted badly can help. It hels if you allow the person to see that you are willing to see their side, and then you can counteract it by telling them you understand and explaining why you feel the way you feel in a calm manner.
Anonymous
May 27th, 2020 10:21am
It is going to be hard to do it, but you will have to be the bigger man or woman in the situation even if your parent continues to treat you unfairly. It may be easy to fight fire with fire, but that will only create a bigger issue. You have to take initiative, walk up to your parents, ask them if they are available, and open up about how you feel and what you feel. It sounds cliche and generic, but being straightforward is better than beating around the bush and hoping that they understand later. People are a lot more loving and care than society makes them out to be. I wish you the best, and I believe in you!
Anonymous
July 26th, 2018 12:28am
I dealt with the “you’re just confused” comments from my family, I’ve been there. I would say just sit down with your parents and discuss LGBTQ+ people in general, maybe a celebrity or something, so they can warm up to the idea of having an LGBTQ+ child.
Diana132
March 8th, 2020 1:32am
It's great that you are in touch with your own emotions and understand your thoughts. How do you think you could best express them to this parent? How do you think they will react? I know how hard it can be to talk to someone about their actions and decisions, but do you think talking to this parent will help the situation or resolve your feelings? think of ways you can combat this situation that will be easier for you or won't contribute to your feelings of nervousness. Ask yourself if you are sure about what you're feeling and consider if you think this is something necessary in helping you with your feelings.
Anonymous
March 7th, 2020 11:13am
I think it is very hard for parents to not react on our situation. When we are young they are used to react to every single cry, always! As we grow older I believe it is hard to step out of the way and acknowledge that we can deal with our situations quite well, or that we can grow into it. Especially when their kids are facing a challenge, it is hard for a parent not to interfere, and this is something one also has to respect. I would explain to a parent that I acknowledge their attempt to act, and that I appreciate that. But, that I need more support, rather than someone else taking over. Therefore it is crucial to feel seen and accepted in the situation that I am in, with all its emotional turmoil.
Anonymous
March 1st, 2020 2:45am
Explain to them how it makes you feel and describe how you’re feeling and how it is affecting your daily life. Explain why you’re feeling that way and that it really is affecting you and that you’re being serious, and what you’re feeling is real. Try to calm them down and tell them you wouldn’t be talking to them if you didn’t think it was that serious, and that you want them to consider your feelings and be validated. Ask them why they reacted like that and try to have a conversation with them about it and try to get along.
friendlyBlossom7141
February 7th, 2020 9:07am
Firstly stay calm! Do not fight fire with more fire. Try and figure out how you are currently feeling. Angry? irritated? Devalidated? you need this for the next technique i have learned from a listener a log time ago! when you have calmed down and taken your time to figure out how you are feeling. You can pick up a conversation at a different point when everyone is calm and has the time to listen. And here is where the technique comes in, this being: Talk from how you are feeling. Do not accuse! say things like: the way you reacted to my (fill in conondrum") Made me feel such a such way. But i do feel such and such a way about this conondrum. This made me feel as if how i felt was not valid. With this conversation technique you do not accuse anyone of anything so they will not feel attacked or jugded. most of the time. But it does make it clear in a friendly nonhostile way how you feel. And gets across the point you wanted to make in the first place.
bellarina74
January 31st, 2020 8:52pm
Ask if you can have a conversation with them because you have a few concerns and would like to talk to them about them. You have every right to have this conversation. Especially if you are feeling badly or confused. Start by asking if you could have a few minutes of their time because you have a couple of concerns you would like to talk about. If it’s not a good time for them, ask when you can have a few minutes of their time to talk about your concerns. They then have the option of accepting your request or declining to discuss your concerns
beautifulsoul247
December 26th, 2019 4:41pm
Describing a reaction as bad is a relative term. Such a reaction would vary from person to person. Only you would know what the specific reaction of your parent would be. In previous situations where such a reaction was observed, think about what helped to diffuse situation. Is it better to seek another appropriate time? Is my tone respectful? What would be the best choice of words? Am I interrupting when my parent speaks? Do I sound like I am talking back to my parent? How is my body language? Am I rolling my eyes? Am I shrugging? Do I appear closed off, like I'm ignoring what they're saying? Am I being reasonable? Am I willing to hear their side? Think about how you'd like your parent to respond to you and give them the same courtesy. Since your parent is in the position of power, considering the possibility that you may not get your way this time, helps you prepare beforehand on how to react calmly. Communicating maturely in the present will serve you in good stead for future occasions, even when relating to people other than your parent.
Anonymous
October 13th, 2019 9:06pm
I've been in this situation before, and I know how stressful and nerve-wracking confronting parents can be. You have to be mindful of how your parent could react to what you say. Is it something that could make them angry? Would they be understanding? Think of ways to express what you feel in a way that they understand. Remember that the goal isn't to get them to agree with you; it's to have them validate you. Brainstorm what you say based on seeking validation rather than persuasion, and remember to be completely honest. Validate them too by acknowledging their previous reaction.
YouWillThrive
September 11th, 2019 5:13pm
Parents will always think good for their children. But they are also human and can make mistakes. Even though they think what they are thinking is good for the child, they can be wrong. Make the parent understand that their opinion matters to you and will always matter but You should be the one making decisions about your life. Take baby steps. Make them allow you to make small decisions of your life at first. Then gradually make more and more decisions yourself along with consulting your parents. When the parent sees that you can make your own decisions in a good way they will start to give you more autonomy, even when they sometimes disagree with your decision and react badly.
Wadey
June 6th, 2019 7:15pm
Sometimes parents forget that we are people just the same as they are, and easily overlook our feelings, thoughts and opinions. It's sometimes helpful to remind them that you are at a point that you have developed into your own person, and your ideals and feelings will not always coincide with theirs, but you respect their feelings and would ask that they give you that same respect in return. Mutual respect is usually what I find to be the biggest issue in any relationship, rather it be friends, family or a partner. You must respect one another even if you disagree, to therefore value one another's feelings.
Anonymous
June 6th, 2019 6:11pm
To have someone listen to you, you need to listen to what they have to say. Listening is extremely underrated! Keep your calm, and understand they worry and bother because they care. See where they are coming from and try to address each point they layout in their argument. If anything bot only it builds a stronger case for you but they might even see your vision clearly. They will also respect you for hearing them out. They might even return the favor and an argument could become a discussion. After all your parents together are you! Something to think about.
professionalcallie23
March 22nd, 2019 9:58pm
Sometimes when parents are talking to their children, they are only thinking like a parent. Angry about you not listening, or that what they didn't think what you did is right. They forget the lesson we learned as children, empathy. Putting yourselves in another person's shoes. Sometimes as adults you forget that your children have their own point of view, & no matter how much you both believe you're right you have to understand that. Even though you may be young your feelings are still as valid as anybody elses! Try to calmly explain how you feel to them, or instead of face to face try writing a letter that says this is how i feel...
Anonymous
March 21st, 2019 7:20pm
Sometimes it is hard for people to walk in your shoes. I find it helpful to ask them if they have ever been in a similar situation or felt similar things. Being open about your feelings and helping parents to connect to them on a personal level could help the conversation. I think that emotions and feelings are always valid and experience as we all experience them differently, it can sometimes be hard to understand each other, or where we are coming from. Stating that your feelings are valid in the same way that their feelings are, might enable them to question their reaction.
Anonymous
August 9th, 2018 3:24am
Explaining to a parent or someone who’s played a big role in life something that they don’t believe you the first time is hard. I know from experience. Depending on how it is, you could try to let them cool off and then sit down and try to talk to them again. If things got heated try to see how you could avoid repeating it. Explain to them and let them see how important it is to you. Also keep in mind some things take awhile.
ShiningTree123
August 22nd, 2018 6:03pm
It will vary from culture to culture... in some cultures, talking back to a parent is strictly taboo and sometimes one's best option is to bite one's tongue and find other outlets for one's feelings. It will also depend on the relationship between the child and the parent - some parents are more open to listening to their children than others... again it may simply be a waste of time in certain circumstances to carry on a discussion which is going to lead nowhere. It is always best in life to take a step back mentally in a heated situation and pause to reflect; putting oneself in another person's shoes is often a useful exercise... maybe spend some time writing a carefully-worded note can help, where we can express ourselves calmly and rationally... chances are the parent may also regret having lost their cool, and if there is sufficient love in the relationship, will be eager to rebuild a bridge when the opportunity presents itself.
Anonymous
August 12th, 2018 10:08pm
Speaking honestly to a parent is the best way to connect with them, they will appreciate that your telling the truth and try to empathise with youn
Anonymous
August 10th, 2018 1:19pm
Maybe talk to a friend of your family and make them tell your parents that may be easier than you telling it on your own
Anonymous
July 29th, 2018 3:12am
This is a little tricky because everyone has different kinds of parents and different kinds of relationships with them. Something that seems to work, is waiting for the atmosphere to cool down and then calmly request them to hear and listen to you first and then make their own judgment after you're done. You may explain why you feel the way you do and at times it can be helpful to let them know that their reaction hurt you and made you feel like your feelings aren't valid. It's easier said than done but it can be worth it. p.s: no matter what, remember that your feelings are always valid
Anonymous
March 19th, 2022 6:27am
Personally, what worked for me is explaining what they made me feel, why, and how that has impacted me. If the parents cares for your emotions, they will usually acknowledge that and try to grow. Try expressing, as well, that you understand why they reacted the way they did. They're people too. Have a conversation with them where you treat them as equals. I do want to emphasize that sometimes parents can be more focused on themselves and their own problems to the point of being somewhat blind to yours. Stay calm. Sometimes they won't be as supportive as they could be, and it's important to validate yourself if that's the case.