Listening Qualities Examples
We will discuss *Few Listening Qualities* when a member is talking to you. We will run through examples that range from awful to exemplary, so that you can get a sense of the range of possible answers.
Hopefully this will serve as a good reference point for you as you develop, practice, and reflect upon your listening skills!
* Quality 1 - Introduction *
How are you greeting your member and welcoming them to the community here at 7 Cups?
Remember, you are giving the first few lines of the conversation, so it is nice to start off in a positive and welcoming way! Especially if this is the member's very first time on the site.
Awful: yo, what up??
This response is too casual and insensitive. We want to not only be professional, but also thoughtful, with our language.
Mediocre: Hi I'm Ruby!
Even though this response introduces herself, it's pretty bare bones. We could improve it by providing the member with more welcoming and guidance.
Good: Welcome, my name is Ruby, how are you doing today?
This response welcomes the member, introduces herself, and also asks the member how they are doing. It covers the important bases! It would be even better if we explain our role as a listener and how we are here to help.
Exemplary: Welcome to 7 Cups! My name is Ruby, and I'll be your listener for the next hour. You can feel free to tell me what's on your mind and I'll be here for you. What brought you to 7 Cups?
This response welcomes the member, introduces herself, and explains how a listener is here to support the member through what the member would like to share. It also asks what brought the member to the site today, which is a great way to get the conversation going.
* Quality 2 - Response Time *
How prompt and attentive are you with the member?
We want our members to feel listened to and cared for. One important way to do this is by being timely with our responses.
Awful:
Member: I'm feeling kind of down today (1:00pm)
Listener: Sorry to hear, what's got you down? (1:04pm)
A 4-minute response time is a lot to wait for, especially right after the member shares an important feeling. Moreover, the listener's response was simple and standard, so should not take so long before sending to the member.
Mediocre:
Member: I'm feeling kind of down today (1:00pm)
Listener: I'm sorry to hear that, what is making you feel that way right now? (1:02pm)
A 2-minute response time is okay, but not great, if the response is simple and standard. We can improve it perhaps by breaking it up into multiple smaller responses, so that the member knows you are following along, or we can add some shorter statements or even emoticons, in addition.
Good:
Member: I'm feeling kind of down today (1:00pm)
Listener: I'm sorry to hear that :( (1:01pm)
Listener: What is making you feel that way right now? (1:02pm)
This response is very similar to the one above, only it is broken into smaller pieces, thus decreasing each response time. If you find it's taking you a long time to write your messages, sending smaller messages is a good way to improve your response time without drastically altering your content.
Exemplary:
Member: I'm feeling kind of down today (1:00pm)
Listener: I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down. (1:00pm)
Listener: Sometimes when we have those moments, it can feel distressful. (1:01pm)
Listener: Did anything happen in particular, recently, to make you feel down? (1:01pm)
This set of responses is very prompt, as well as attentive. The listener sent multiple messages that each built upon the previous message, shortly after one another, so that the member could feel like the listener is very actively engaged.
* Quality 3 - Empathy *
How are you relating to the member, emotionally? Are you putting yourself in their shoes, trying to understand how they feel in their situation?
Everyone wants to feel understood. By responding in a kind and empathetic way, the members will feel more supported.
Example Member Scenario: My boyfriend showed up 40 min late to our dinner date. Again! This is the second time he's done it in a row and it's getting to me!
Awful: You're making such a big deal out of this! So you had to wait, so what?
This response doesn't even understand why the member would feel distressed by what happened, and even worse, it diminishes the member's feelings. Instead, we want to support our members and build them up.
Mediocre: Yeesh, your boyfriend is a big jerk for doing that.
This response emphasizes the negative feeling that the member is having about her boyfriend, but it is judgmental and not the most kind remark to make. We can improve it by focusing on relating to the member's feelings in a more objective way.
Good: It sounds like you're feeling frustrated that your boyfriend was late to dinner, that's a long time that you had to wait for him.
This response lets the member know that you are understanding her frustration that her boyfriend caused. It also lets the member know that you understand why she is frustrated: because she had to wait a long time. By letting the member know that you can see not only how she's feeling but why she might be feeling that way, she will feel more supported and heard.
Exemplary: It sounds like you're feeling frustrated that your boyfriend was late to dinner again. I understand that it's particularly frustrating that he was late not only once, but a second time. It might have felt like he was letting you down by not making the effort to show up on time.
This response goes a step further: it pays attention to the detail that the member shared about her boyfriend being late again, and it thinks about how having to wait a second time can feel additionally frustrating. By thinking deeply about how situations can affect people's feelings, we can relate to them more, and maybe even offer some insights that they themselves might not have been aware of.
* Quality 4 - Open-Ended Questions *
Are you asking open-ended questions to understand the situation better?
Asking open-ended questions (questions that don't have a straight 'yes' or 'no' answer) is a great way to learn more about the situation and also understand the member's thought process better. It's also a great way to be more engaged in the conversation, which will help the member feel more comfortable with opening up more.
Example Member Scenario: I'm not looking forward to driving up to see my wife's parents this weekend. Her dad's never interested in anything I try to talk about, and we don't end up doing anything fun there anyway.
Awful: Oh, sounds like a pain in the bum.
This response doesn't give the member any opportunity to share any more information.
Mediocre: So you don't like her dad?
This response is a yes or no answer, but at least it gives the member some space to elaborate on his way of saying 'no' if he would like.
Good: Is it a long drive? What do you guys usually do together when you are there?
This response first gives the member an easier, more neutral question (is it a long drive) that is easy to talk about. Then it gives the member an opportunity to talk about what they do together as a group, so he can share more about what his family is like, and share more about his thoughts about it all.
Exemplary: It sounds like visiting your in-laws makes you uncomfortable, which I can understand. What are some interests or hobbies that her dad has, that he enjoys in his own time? What do you guys usually end up doing to spend time together when you are at their place?
This response is first of all empathetic, as it lets the member know that you are understanding his primary emotion of discomfort around his in-laws. It picks up on the father's disinterest in the member's conversations, and inquires about what the father might be interested in -- this could possibly help the member think of some ideas. And it also asks about how the family spends time as a group, so it gives the member an opportunity to go further and talk about the family dynamic as a whole.
* Quality 5 - Not Giving Advice *
Are you responding in a non-judgmental manner, and not advising or convincing the member what to do?
It is not our role as listeners to tell the member what to do, because they know their situation best. Instead, we want to be supportive and non-judgmental. We want to help the member figure out how to help themselves. One great way is to ask questions about how they feel about a certain situation, or to ask them what ideas or solutions they might be able to think of.
Example Member Scenario: I like my friend a lot. He's sweet, and caring, and always knows how to make people laugh. I don't think he has any idea how I feel for him though.
Awful: Oh my gosh, you need to tell him. Tell him what you like about him and ask him if he feels the same way. Then he'll know!!
This response is very directly and clearly giving advice. Not only is it telling the member what to do, but also how to do it. We don't want to do that!
Mediocre: Have you talked to him about it?
This response asks the member if she has talked to him about it, which isn't direct advice. However, it's sort of indirect advice in a way, because it's indirectly asking the member to talk about it to him.
Good: What do you think would happen if you talked to your friend about how you felt?
This response is good because it asks the member for her thoughts and opinions. It asks her to put herself in a possible scenario, and then think about and explain how she would feel in that scenario. It also gives her an opportunity to think about the possible outcomes. By asking an open-ended question like this in a non-judgmental way, you give the member an opportunity to come up with ideas and decisions for herself.
Exemplary: What has your friend done that has made you think he is unaware of your feelings towards him? Do you think that letting your friend know your feelings would be a good thing, or how do you think it would affect your connection? (Note: might split these questions up into multiple responses rather than asking all at once)
This question goes a step further to ask very specific questions to help the member process and figure out her thoughts. It's helpful to start by talking about something concrete, such as what her friend has done, so that you can learn more about the situation and be objective. It's also a good idea to ask the member how she thinks various choices would play out -- would it help her in a positive way or might there be consequences that would be good to think about?
* Quality 6 - Reflection *
Are you letting the member know that you understand what they are saying, not only the situation itself but also how they are feeling?
Reflection -- the process of describing back to the member what they have told you -- is a good way to let the member know that you are following along and understanding what they are going through.
Example Member Scenario: My best friend and I used to be really close, but lately she's been hanging out so much more with these two other girls. Sometimes days go by before she responds to my texts and I just don't know what's wrong.
Awful: Oh. Okay.
This response doesn't reflect what the member said at all. It could have been a response to anything. In general, the more specific the better.
Mediocre: Oh so you have been with your friend less.
This response reflects the most important idea, that the member hasn't been with her friend so much. To improve, we can reflect the other details as well.
Good: It sounds like things are different with your friend now than they used to be, she spends more time with other girls now and is less available.
This response reflects the main important ideas that the member has conveyed. It's good progress! If you've reflected the most important ideas, then you're doing a good job. To do even better, you can pick up on the finer details and emotionally relate as well.
Exemplary: So things have been different lately with your friend than they used to be, and it sounds like you're struggling to figure out why that is. Especially since she is such a close friend to you. It sounds like it's difficult to wait a long time for a response from her while knowing that she is with others.
This response is more nuanced and goes a step deeper. It acknowledges the member's fundamental confusion and struggle with why her friend has been less present in her life. It also recognizes that this is particularly difficult for the member, because she was so close to her friend before. As a whole, it reflects the emotional pain the member feels when her friend neglects her to spend time with others, so the member can know that you are understanding her situation on a much deeper level.
* Quality 7 - Validation *
Are you patient, accepting, and assuring of the member's feelings and concerns?
Validating the member's experiences and feelings is crucial because it helps them feel more accepted and more valued. Not only that, it also gives them the space to practice self-compassion towards their own feelings. This can go a long way towards healing.
Example Member Scenario: I don't even know why I'm having all these feelings, I can't stop crying, it's just all so stupid.
Awful: Yeah it's a waste of time, you should get on with your day. Actually do something, you know?
This response diminishes the member's feelings and also the way they live their lives. We don't want to diminish or belittle anything the member is going through. Instead, we want to support them through what they are feeling.
Mediocre: It's okay.
This response acknowledges that what the member has shared is okay, but on its own, it can sound a little like empty consolation. If we add more detail and specifics, we can help the member feel more supported.
Good: Sometimes we need to just cry. It's not stupid that you feel like that.
This response lets the member know that sometimes we will have difficult moments and that it is okay to cry or to experience whatever emotional release that they need to. It also lets the member know that an abundance of feelings or tears is nothing to feel stupid about. All of this is very important, and fundamental to convey.
Exemplary: I understand, sometimes our emotions can feel overwhelming. Crying is entirely okay and can even sometimes help us feel better. I know it feels stupid to you, but you don't have to be so hard on yourself. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling.
This response is particularly empathetic -- it acknowledges the overarching idea that emotions can sometimes just feel like too much to bear. It not only encourages the member to accept their crying as something that is okay, but also to embrace it as a tool that can sometimes help us feel better in our lives. It reminds the member that we don't have to put so much pressure on ourselves to feel a certain way or to hold it all together. Most importantly, and overall, this response gently lets the the member know that all of our feelings are valid and we can view them as such.
* Conclusion - The Most Important Thing *
People come onto this site because they want to feel heard, cared for, like they are not alone.
When you are having your chat with the member, you can ask yourself: "Is this a response I would be comfortable hearing myself from someone I am talking to, on a day when I am feeling down?"
At the same time, nobody is perfect, and you certainly don't have to be perfect in your member chat! If you're feeling anxious or nervous, if you're putting pressure on yourself to come up with the best responses possible -- that may very well be a sign that you care. And caring is important. In fact, it's the most important thing.
If you care about the person you are talking about, they can tell -- and it makes a difference. It makes all the difference.
I hope that we can all help each other grow and strive towards the exemplary answers, so that we can best support our wonderful members. <3
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