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134340a
79 M Embraced
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2019 Member sinceOctober 11, 2019
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Possible TW
Self-Harm Recovery / by 134340a
Last post
 October 12th, 2019
...See more I'm not sure if I need to put the TW but I'll have it just in case, I don't wanna risk it. So for the past year, or maybe even longer, I've been clean. And honestly that was such a big achievement that I would brag about silently to myself. I was insanely proud that I made it this far. God only knows how difficult it was to resist the urge that would come on so strong. Eventually I had not done it in so long that the little thought in the back of my head that wanted me to do it slowly faded out. But this past week, I relapsed- bad. It felt like all of the suppressed urges had come spilling out all at once. Of course I didn't want to do it because of how far I came, but the best way I could describe it was like blacking out/having an out of body experience. It felt like I was watching myself from the outside, just destroying my body. I felt hopeless and like I couldn't do anything to stop myself if I had tried. When I was finished I realized what I had just done and had a panic attack. It felt like everything that I had worked so hard for was just flushed down the toilet. Everything, just gone. I wanted to puke. I was crying so hard that honestly I think I was gonna puke. Now whenever I look at myself in the mirror I feel a visceral feeling of just disgust and shame. Shame of knowing that I broke promises to so many people, shame that I broke promises to myself. Now, I kinda don't know what to do with myself. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I don't know what to do.
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