911maria911 Member Profile

...See more The problem is... I don't know who I am anymore. I'll be 53 years old in December. When I reflect back over my life, I thought I knew who I was and where I was going in life. Damn, I was dead wrong. I see where I am today, and I hate it. Everything went sideways and upside down. Everyone I know is stable: they have family, they have jobs, they have holiday plans, they have a spouse (or are dating), they are... NORMAL. I never asked for a lot out of life, and that's probably a good thing seeing as how life has decided to saddle me with next to nothing. When I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize the person who looks back at me. That person has dark brown hair with silver and gray coming in. She has wrinkles and large pores on her face that she never had before. And what the hell is THAT!? Oh. It's a bread trail of age spots on my legs. Perfect. The image in the mirror is cruel. My mind cannot relate to this person. In my mind, I'm still in my 30s or 40s. On a GOOD day. (Some days I don't even feel 10.) The image in the mirror is who the world sees. I feel like no one knows me. I've failed at most of what life places in people's handbooks. I got married, and then divorced. I've had one abusive relationship after another. Last September I was thrown away by the man I was engaged to marry. No advance notice, I just woke up one day to see him bringing in moving boxes. I never got any closure. A year later and I'm still mad as hell over it. In fact, I can't move beyond it. He waited for me to exhaust everything I had in savings, and got mad at me when I tried to better my life by getting on SSI and attempting to keep my home. I'm pretty sure the house was the last straw for him. He thought I'd sell it and use the money to pay off his mortgage and pay down the credit card bill he racked up when he was a crack-smoking alcoholic. And here I am. I'm alone, with my precious little dog for company. Visits from others are rare. I have agoraphobia, BPD, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. My income is from state disability and is only $197 a month. I am on every program I can find to keep my utilities on. That $197 I get I use to pay for my dogs medical insurance and the Xfinity bill. After that, there's nothing left. Because of the agoraphobia, it's hard to leave the house. For the first time in my life I'm not able to pay for my tabs, so I can't drive anyway. I've never felt so scared and so alone in my life. I took care of both my parents in this house until they died. I miss them every single day. The neighborhood has gotten bad. It's now considered a high crime area. Anyway, I'm new here. Just wanted to say "hi". 😆 Thanks for listening. PS: I tend to talk so much. Apparently I'm no better when it comes to writing.

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