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AbsurdBook399
1,496 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts25 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2023 Member sinceDecember 12, 2017
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I feel so failed by every medical professional I have ever seen
Disability Support / by AbsurdBook399
Last post
 April 16th, 2018
...See more I'm sorry, y'all, I just need to rant and vent here for a bit. I'm going to apologize in advance for all the yelling and cussing I'm about to do. So I've been a type 1 diabetic since 1995 when I was diagnosed at age 6. My teen years were really rough (for a lot of reasons) and somewhere along the way I quit caring about my health. but here's the thing. I just learned the term "burnout" about 3 weeks ago. I've been struggling with a chronic illness for 24 years and this is the first time anybody has ever told me that this is a thing. Turns out I've been in burnout mode for 15-20 years. Nobody ever told me about this shit. Not my endos, not my GPs, not my therapists (I'm especially mad at the therapists. Like, I don't expect them to know all that much about type 1 specifically as it's not so common, but I'm sure EVERYBODY with ANY kind of chronic illness goes thru some form of this.) I mean I went to a fucking diabetes camp every summer for like 8 years and not once did any of the councilors sit us down and say "hey, look, there are going to be times where you feel overwhelmed and can't cope with the daily struggles of doing one of your organ's job for it. but it's ok. here are some healthy coping statagies." No. I feel like if anybody had just said "the way you're feeling is normal, here's how to deal with it" I'd be so much healthier. Both physically and emotionally. I mean, jesus, I was a fucking CHILD and instead of showing compassion and understanding they always treated me like a criminal for just trying to pretend I was normal. And so I have been beating myself up and calling myself a failure and a shitty person and "bad diabetic" for 20 years because that's what every Dr I've ever seen has made me feel like. So there's that. But wait, it gets worse Because I learned the word "burnout" and that it's normal I joined a bunch of T1D support groups on social media to see if anybody DID have some good coping mechanisms. And I learned something. 15-20% of type 1's also suffer from thyroid problems. I've had 4 different Dr's tell me I have an enlarged thyroid and not one fucking one of them bothered to ask me if I had any of the symptoms to go with it. None of them ever seemed even slightly concerned so I forgot all about it. But since so many of my fellow T1's seem to be having problems I gooogled the symptoms out of curiosity... And it turns out that I have every single fucking one. And have had them since I was maybe 9 or 10. And I've complained about the symptoms for years. And they all just fucking look at me like "what do you expect me to do about it?" Like... I can take the little things without complaining. The constipation, dry skin, inability to loose weight (boy is that a sore spot with Dr's as of right now,) the irregular periods, achey joints and muscles, brittle nails, occasional dizzy spells and a sometimes weird heartrate, and intolerance to temperature changes, no those are just annoying and I can put up with them. But the brain fog and severe chronic fatigue coupled with the depression and anxiety that have plagued my my entire life since my tweens THOSE I'm pissed about. Do you know how different my life could have been if I had been able to concentrate on my school work? If i'd had the energy to participate in any kind of extra curricular activities? If I hadn't been too tired to even attempt to make friends? They should have fixed this shit when I was a teenager. And yes, it can be argued that most of those symptoms are also diabetes things or that the depression and anxiety are the product of my shitty childhood, or maybe I really am just a fat, lazy fuck like all the Dr's and dietitians have implied that I am. But a 9 year old shouldn't be so exhausted that they can barely keep their eyes open at school and an 11 year old shouldn't be complaining of constant severe joint pain. Instead everybody (including my own family) said "eh you're fat kid, get more exercise" (I wasn't fat, chubby yes, obese no) or flat out called me a hypochondriac or acted like I was just complaining to get attention (which isn't true. As a kid I mostly just wanted to be invisible and left alone. Having people fawn all over me when I was sick is still particular kind of hell.) I'm apprenticing to be a tattoo artist in my spare time. I would have gone after this much earlier and much harder and I would be a full time tattoo artist and owner of my own shop by if I had ever had the energy to dedicate myself to it like I should. But instead I spend half my days literally sobbing on the way to work to my dead end full time job because I'm too exhausted to go but I have to force myself because if I don't I won't have a roof over my head. And I know I'm going to be too drained by the end of the week to do anything more than take up space when I get to the tattoo shop. And the worst part about it is that I have absolutely no faith that if I go to the Dr and say "look here's the problem, lets do something about it" that anything will actually change. I don't have insurance so I go to a low income county family health clinic and the only Dr I have access to there isn't even an actual doctor, he's a nurse practitioner with a bad attitude. This is the same guy that said to my mother on her last visit that she was a waste of his time "because there were hard working middle class people he could be helping instead" (yes, he ACTUALLY said the part in quotes) I have to drive 2 hours away to their sister clinic to be seen by somebody else. I'm just so ANGRY at the entire situation, rage doesn't even come close to describing it. I haven't been this angry in over a decade and I don't know how to handle it. I've been pacing around my office for the last couple days trying to come to grips with it. The only consolation I can find in all this is if I hadn't taken the shitty path that I have I wouldn't have met my fiance but goddamn....like...shit. there aren't even enough cusswords to express the frustration I'm dealing with right now. Anyway, thanks for sticking with me this long. Hugs to anybody who has some sage advice <3
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Trying to figure out what is wrong with my Mom
General Support / by AbsurdBook399
Last post
 March 16th, 2018
...See more (I"m sorry, but this is going to be a really long one.) My Mother has been mentally ill her entire life but we have never been able to get a proper diagnosis for what exactly is wrong with her. She refuses to admit that there IS anything wrong and the very few times either myself or her own parents have been able to drag her to see a mental health professional she refuses to cooperate with them. I was hoping if I listed off some of her symptoms someone here might reccognize them and be able to point me in a direction to get her some help. Its's been hard to pinpoint because, I believe, she suffers from multiple disorders. So I guess I'll start with the biggest problems and work my way down. 1. She has what she calls "repressed memories" (wich are actually delusions or false memories.) They started about 10 years ago. (I go into more detail about them in this earlier post: https://www.7cups.com/forum/RelationshipSupport_66/FamilyRelationships_44/Dealingwithamentallyillparentwhorefusestogettreatment_120505/ ) She had been drinking a lot and crying a lot at the time and then suddenly found religion, got "saved", got sober, and claimed that "Jesus has been reavealing the hidden things that were done to her in her past." All of her delusions are either grandiose or very very dark. They mostly involve being raped and abused by almost everyone she has had contact with. She also totally believes that she has had ongoing, years long, sexual and romantic relationships with multiple celebrities. The thing is they are absolutely not lies. She's one of the most scrupulously honest people I've ever met. Honest often to her own detriment. She completely believes these things really happened to her and no amount of pointing out how ridiculous it is will convince her otherwise. 2. She has serious problems with any kind of authority figure. Parents, teachers, bosses, cops, the landlady (especially the landlady,) doctors, etc. She is stubborn and obstinate beyond the point of sanity. If anyone she sees as an authority figure tries to push her to do anything she will go the oposite way, even if it means her own detriment. She can't hold down a steady job because she won't take any kind of direction from bosses or supervisors. She has technically always been self employed but working inside a shop and she constantly gets let go because of petty disagreements with the owners over small details. (Side issue: she has now been unemployed for 5 years because of this and I provide 100% of her financial support.) 3. A violent and suddenly explosive temper. I never know what is going to set her off. She has never been physically agressive but is extremely verbally abusive. When she blows up she screams and screams and screams until she runs out of steam. May be for 5 minutes or may be for 5 hours. And then she's done. like nothing ever happened. 4. Paranoia and extreme distrust of anybody new. "People have been breaking into the house and eating our food and messing with our computer and possibly raping us in our sleep." She believes that the whole world exists just to hurt her. (She raised me to think the same way... boy did that take a lot of getting over.) She has hated everyone I have ever been friends with for at least the first 6 months they are in my life and took every opportunity to bad mouth them and tell me how they are terrible influences and they're going to ruin my life. After that she accepts them completely as a member of the family. 5. Everything she does, she does to extremes. She goes over the top, hardcore, fanatical about stuff. The biggest example would be when she "got Jesus" when I was 11 she went so deep into it that even my nice Christian grandparents were like "daaayum getting her saved was a mistake." ok, so those are the big ones, I'll breifly list off a few more things I don't think are bad enough to be part of an actual disorder but are worth mentioning anyway, just in case. She has a super high sex drive and a very dirty mind (like to the point I'd call it a fixation) both of which she is totally ashamed of and tries to supress because, well, you know... Jesus. She has a victim complex and nothing is ever her fault. She gets overwhelmed easily and gets panicky then shuts down completely. This happens especially when she is trying to learn something new. Shes scatter brained and rambles constantly She's clingy, needy, posessive and controlling. Not sneaky enough to be manipulative tho, but is the queen of guilt trips. Uuuummmm... that's all I can really think of for now. If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me. Any light anybody can shed, or any advice y'all can give I really appreciate <3
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