Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
AccidentalAsshole
118 M Embraced 1
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2017 Member sinceSeptember 18, 2017
Bio
Recent forum posts
AccidentalAsshole profile picture
Am I an asshole?
Anxiety Support / by AccidentalAsshole
Last post
 August 18th, 2018
...See more I'm 38 years old and I have experienced a lifetime of rejection and betrayal that has left me with a deep, abiding sense of mistrust toward other people. This is why I tend to retreat into the safety of my family or the one friendship I am able to maintain at any given time. Currently that friend is my wife of 10 years. How have I been rejected and betrayed? I could provide endless anecdotes of various importance and impact. But an example is that I was part of a youth group for years in high school and had always felt like I was welcomed and accepted among my peers there. I felt lik I had multiple friendships that blossomed and allowed me to become a better person. Then, in my early 20s, I inadvertantly started chatting with this woman from that youth group. That woman was always one of the nicest, kindest people there, and not somebody you'd expect to say something nasty without cause. She didn't know who I was while chatting, but I knew who she was, and we started talking about that youth group. Long story short, she told me that nobody in the youth group knew how to take me, that people didn't really like me, but humored me, basically. It crushed me, having this person who you would expect nothing but kindness from basically telling me that everything I thought I knew was a lie. Another example is how I had an ex who I had a son with and I learned that she got pregnant a second time on purpose (she never got her Depo Provera shot, yet insisted she did) and when I told her parents what happened, her mom said, "I thought she got pregnant with [son's name] on purpose." I would say those two examples are the least and most consequential instances of betrayal in my life. Recently, I was involved in a political group and was doing an intense amount of work, investing many hours a day trying to get everything up and running when nobody else would. I befriended this woman who became my second in command. We worked well together for a few months, hanging out as families and our kids playing a bunch. Everything was great. Then she started accusing me of trying to undermine her or do all her work for her, which I wasn't, but because of my ADD, I duplicated her work. Her accusations grew increasingly irrational and bizarre and I thought the others in the group could see that. Privately, I was told by a few people that this was the case. But this woman kept making more and more accusations against me, saying that I was verbally abusing her and harassing her. Many suggested I stop responding, which I did. But publicly, nobody defended me and the attacks continued for a whole day. Then people who allied with this woman started making disparaging comments about me as well. Once again I found myself having the rug pulled out from under me. People I thought I knew, who were only listening to this woman's side of the story, were now talking about me like I was an abuse monster. Finally, I left the group. This was about a month ago and I've been in a meloncholy funk since then. I don't want to call it depression because I know that's something far different. But I feel depressed. I feel demotivated and hurt and like I will never trust people again. I want to withdraw from society and ignore people and stop trying. But I also want to keep doing the work I was doing. It's starting to affect my social and political life in ways I don't like. But I feel like these things must keep happening to me because I'm the problem, I'm the asshole, and even though I've spent a lifetime trying to be the kind of person that others like to be around, I just keep returning to the same patterns and behaviors that seem to drive people away. I want to change, but I don't know how. I want to stop letting this shit bother me, but I don't know how. I want to be normal, but I don't know how. Please help.
Search more from @AccidentalAsshole
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
7 total badges
Hand Shake Linked Quintet First Post Reaching out First Compassion Teammate
Report an issue